"I Am A Nine-Year-Old Cotton Bunny Rabbit With Eyeballs Where My Nipples Should Be," Sean Spicer May As Well Have Said In Unrecorded Press Briefing

WASHINGTON- In an unrecorded press briefing on Monday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer may as well have told assembled reporters that he was a nine-year-old cotton bunny rabbit with eyeballs where his nipples should be.
"I suck on my own fingers when I want to history truffle road stop," Spicer very well could have said. "59 700,000 Tom Cruise my house likes to eat bad people."
Spicer may have ended the briefing by regaling the assembled press corps with a tale of how his childhood pet lizard had once farted fire.

Apples And Oranges Figure Out They Actually Have A Lot In Common

YOUR KITCHEN- According to reports, apples and oranges, the fruits notable for their perceived lack of shared interests, found out they actually have a lot in common on Tuesday.
"Frank [the apple] loves Nirvana's early stuff, just like me," Herman [the orange] said to reporters Tuesday. "Not to mention we both bear at least somewhat of a resemblance to a circle."
At press time, night and day were still as different as apples and oranges.

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Unrated Version Of Movie Total Letdown

MUFREESBORO, TN- After viewing the unrated version of "The Strangers" on DVD on Sunday night, area man Luke Carlton was forced to admit it was a total letdown.
"There was, like, only one scene added to the movie, and it wasn't super-violent or sexy or anything like that," said a disappointed Carlton, who said he was very upset by the film's lack of added gore or violence. "I was expecting, like, a bloodbath or something. Damn it."
At press time, Carlton was thinking, and noticed that every single one of the unrated movies he's seen have been exactly like this.

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Questions Abound As To Whether Zaza Pachulia Intentionally Stabbed Kawhi Leonard

OAKLAND, CA- Following a play in Sunday's Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals, in which Golden State Warriors center Zaza Pachulia pulled out a knife and stabbed San Antonio Spurs forward Kawhi Leonard in the stomach, many people are asking if Pachulia meant to harm Leonard.
"I think [Pachulia] knew what he was doing," said Oklahoma City resident and longtime basketball fan Mark Kellery, adding that even if Pachulia unknowingly brought the knife to the stadium, took the knife out of his pocket, and stashed it in his sock while getting dressed for the game, he should have been "more aware" of his actions during the game.
"When you're out there on the court, you have to have an awareness of your actions and their ramifications, like taking a 7-inch Ginsu blade out of your sock, running toward a Spurs player, and stabbing it in his midsection as he leapt into the air for a jump shot," Kellery said. "You have to know that little actions like that can cause a lot of damage."
Many across the country are echoing Kellery's sentiments.
"This guy is just a reckless, airheaded individual," ESPN's Stephen A. Smith said Monday on his show, "First Take." "He may not have meant to injure Leonard in any way, but what did he expect to happen after he pulled that knife out and subsequently stabbed the man three times as he jumped into the air, and four more times after Leonard slumped to the ground in pain? Guys have to be more careful and more aware of their actions out on the court."
Leonard, however, defended Pachulia's actions, calling the stabbing an "honest mistake." "I don't think he meant to harm me," Leonard said. "He was just going all out on the play. I would've done the same thing."

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