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Study: Men Much More Willing To Accept Things When Written In ESPN Font

WASHINGTON- According to a study released Friday by the Pew Research Center, men are much more willing to accept things if they are written in that cool ESPN font.
"Our findings indicate that no matter what the news, from a wide variety of subjects such as having cancer or that their dog died, men are much more willing to accept if it is written in that cool, space-age ESPN typeface," said lead researcher Michelle Keene.
In the study, men from ages 18-50 were isolated in a private room and then given a variety of bad news written in Times New Roman font. They then were shown the same headline written in ESPN font.
Across the board, men responded to news such as, "Your mom just had a heart attack," or "Your wife wants a divorce," negatively when the headlines were shown in Times New Roman. However, when shown the same story in that cool ESPN style of type, the men said, "Sweet!' and "Awesome!"
According to a similar study, no one had any idea how to react when shown a negative message in Wingdings.

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Cancellation Of Erectile Dysfunction Medication Ads Could Lead To Thousands Of Men Shooting Their Dicks Off

PHOENIX, AZ- After the dissolution of the relationship between Pfizer and Lilly, the companies which make the erectile dysfunction medications Viagra and Cialis, and the NFL, and the subsequent cancellation of the companies' ads during football games, the nation's collective sufferers of four-hour-long erections will now have no clue what to do in order to help address this problem, leaving the horrified and perplexed men to their own devices to help address their priapism.
"Usually, the commercials tell men with erections lasting more than four hours to see a doctor right away," said noted Phoenix-area physician James Roberts. "But without these helpful ads, men will be completely in the dark about what to do with their horrifyingly long and painful erections."
Experts speculate that many men will at first be pleased by how long they can maintain an erection, but then be in such pain and misery that they will attempt to shoot their dick off.
Others will most likely take advantage of their situation and have sex with their wives for three hours straight, but after the fourth hour, become so preoccupied with their engorged penis that they too shoot their dicks off.
Others still are expected to pleasure themselves vigorously, but after the fourth hour comes, and they still have not managed to get rid of their huge boners, will also reportedly shoot their dicks off.
"We are looking at a penis-detachment pandemic the likes of which would make Lorena Bobbitt green with envy," said noted priapism specialist Dr. Steve Carson. "The country's men should know: If you sustain an erection for more than four hours, please, do not shoot your dick off. Just see a doctor."