McCain Kind of Glad He Didn't Win

FLAGSTAFF, AZ- Former presidential candidate Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) claimed today that he was kind of glad he didn't win the election on Tuesday. Although disappointed that he did not win, McCain was reportedly relieved that he would not have "all that responsibility and stuff."
When informed of Sen. Barack Obama's win, McCain grimaced slightly, but then gave a sigh of relief. "I'm disappointed, yeah, but I'm kinda glad also," he said. "My friends, I Have dne so much for this country and I always will. But I just don't know if I could take that kind of responsibiltiy. All those people to deal with? Man!

Good luck, Obama!"

McCain Just Realized He Might Actually Get Elected

WASHINGTON, DC- In a campaign speech yesterday, presidential candidate John McCain realized that he might actually be elected to become president of the United States of America.
"I was just giving a routine speech, and then it hit me," the senator (R-AZ) said. "I could actually become president of the United States of America. The United freakin' States!"
After he had outlined his plan on health care, the assembled crowd applauded McCain. It was in that moment, he says, that he realized what was happening.
"I just got quiet for a minute while they applauded," he said.
"As I was just standing there watching them, it just hit me- I could become the leader of the United States! I mean, do you understand that? The freakin' States!"
After the speech, McCain reportedly went into the restroom of his bus and began pacing frantically about and hyperventilating.
"Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap," he said to himself over and over while pondering the possibility that he could actually become the freakin' president.
Although he knew he could become president, McCain said he hadn't really realized exactly what he could win until now.
"I mean, yeah, I understood what I was running for," he said.
"But, I don't know... it just hadn't hit me yet, you know? I mean, the president! Do you get that? The next George Washington! I mean, do you realize who I could be following in the footsteps of here? Lincoln, Jefferson... wow. That's some seriously huge crap right there."

Presidential Rally Attendees Don't Realize Question Is Rhetorical

CONCORD, NH- Attendees at a John McCain presidential rally didn't realize yesterday that most of McCain's questions during his speech didn't require an answer and were self-fulfilling in nature. When McCain asked quite thoughtfully, "Who's gonna lead the nation to prosperity again? Me or (Barack) Obama?", he was not necessarily looking for an answer. However, the crowd responded passionately, "You!" or "McCain!", quite nearly killing the atmosphere the senator had created up to that point. Later in the speech, McCain outlined his opponent, Barack Obama's, position on oil drilling, then said,"My friends, is that the kind of leadership you want in Washington?" Half of the crowd responded with a sluggish, "No," or "I dunno."
When asked about the crowd's responses yesterday, McCain said, "Well, it made it kind of awkward, you know? Like, I was trying to emphasize how much more experience I have than Obama and I was like, 'How many years has Obama been doing this?' And then, people said, like, 'eight' and stuff. Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. You kinda just ruined the whole feel of the moment, ya know? They kinda missed the point."
It is widely believed that the awkwardness of the aforementioned moments could cost McCain several million votes, effectively ending his campaign.