McCain Kind of Glad He Didn't Win

FLAGSTAFF, AZ- Former presidential candidate Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) claimed today that he was kind of glad he didn't win the election on Tuesday. Although disappointed that he did not win, McCain was reportedly relieved that he would not have "all that responsibility and stuff."
When informed of Sen. Barack Obama's win, McCain grimaced slightly, but then gave a sigh of relief. "I'm disappointed, yeah, but I'm kinda glad also," he said. "My friends, I Have dne so much for this country and I always will. But I just don't know if I could take that kind of responsibiltiy. All those people to deal with? Man!

Good luck, Obama!"

Mickey Mouse Wins Presidency In Shocking Turn of Events

WASHINGTON,DC- In a shocking turn of events, Mickey Mouse, the famous Disney character who has appeared in such films as Fantasia and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse: Mickey's Treat, received enough write-in votes to win the presidency of the United States of America early Wednesday morning.


"This is a truly shocking day in U.S. history," CNN political analyst Wolf Blitzer said. "I think I speak for everyone when I say that we did not see this coming."




Mouse will be the first-ever animated president in U.S. history, as well as the first non-human in the Oval Office. His wife and fellow mouse, Minnie, will succeed Laura Bush as first lady. When informed of the improbable win today, Mickey, who received 51% of the vote, said, "Oh boy! Really? Hot dog! C'mon, Pluto! Let's go!"




Many political analysts had expected Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) to win because of his large lead in some pre-election polls. The polls, however, did not take into account the strong affect that write-in votes can have on an election. "We tried to make our polls as accurate as possible," Blitzer said. "Unfortunately, we just didn't think of America's most famous cartoon character . Don't underestimate Mickey."




Cartoon characters around the world are hailing the results. Fellow Disney character and friend Donald Duck said, "Oh boy! Good job, Mickey!" Goofy, another friend of Mouse's, also congratulated him. But it was not only his Disney colleagues who celebrated with him. Kermit the Frog, who can be seen in the Muppets movies, claimed, "This is truly a great day." The Smurfs sang, "Mickey-ee-ee-ey! Mickey-ey Mouse!" Scooby-Doo had this to say: "Rickey Rouse? Ralright! Gro, Rickey! Roohoo!" And Spongebob Squarepants, who lives in a pineapple under the sea, exclaimed, "Alright Mickeyyy! Woo-hoo! Go Mickey! Go Mickey! Go Mickey!"




Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Obama, although disappointed, accepted the defeat with grace. "If you're gonna lose to someone, lose to Mickey Mouse, right?" McCain commented.




"I can honestly say I did not see this happening," Obama said. "My opponent (McCain) and I would, I'm sure, love to congratulate him. But why didn't I think of running an attack ad on his relationship with the 101 Dalmatians? Or how his appearance and character have changed throughout the years? Darn it!"




Obama finished second in the polls, at 30%. McCain received 18% of the vote, while other candidates, such as Jesus, Uncle Sam, Fidel Castro, 'your mom', and Ralph Nader comprised 1%.

McCain Just Realized He Might Actually Get Elected

WASHINGTON, DC- In a campaign speech yesterday, presidential candidate John McCain realized that he might actually be elected to become president of the United States of America.
"I was just giving a routine speech, and then it hit me," the senator (R-AZ) said. "I could actually become president of the United States of America. The United freakin' States!"
After he had outlined his plan on health care, the assembled crowd applauded McCain. It was in that moment, he says, that he realized what was happening.
"I just got quiet for a minute while they applauded," he said.
"As I was just standing there watching them, it just hit me- I could become the leader of the United States! I mean, do you understand that? The freakin' States!"
After the speech, McCain reportedly went into the restroom of his bus and began pacing frantically about and hyperventilating.
"Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap," he said to himself over and over while pondering the possibility that he could actually become the freakin' president.
Although he knew he could become president, McCain said he hadn't really realized exactly what he could win until now.
"I mean, yeah, I understood what I was running for," he said.
"But, I don't know... it just hadn't hit me yet, you know? I mean, the president! Do you get that? The next George Washington! I mean, do you realize who I could be following in the footsteps of here? Lincoln, Jefferson... wow. That's some seriously huge crap right there."