Man Not Really Sure How To Pronounce 'Van Nuys'

PHILADELPHIA, PA- Area man Frank Kallendar, 35, is reportedly not really sure how to pronounce the latter word in the Los Angeles district name of Van Nuys. "Is it like, 'noise'? Or,'news'? Or what?," a perplexed Kallendar asked no one in particular after coming across the title of the community in the San Fernando Valley region of LA. "Or is it like, 'newies' or something? I doubt it would be like 'noose' or anything like that." The man said he actually looked up how to pronounce it on the computer once before, but all he got were "these weird little symbol things."

No One Told Houston They Were Supposed To Let Air Force Win The Armed Forces Bowl

FORT WORTH, TEXAS- After a 34-28 win over the Air Force Falcons on December 31, 2008 in the Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl, it was revealed that, apparently, no one told the Houston Cougars that they were supposed to let Air Force win their own freakin' bowl game. "Honestly, I didn't even think of it," said Houston head coach Kevin Sumlin, after being informed of the expectations. "I guess it makes sense. To be honest, I was just thinkin' of winning the game."

Millions of fans, analysts and military veterans were shocked after seeing the conclusion of the game. "I just assumed they would fumble on purpose and let the Falcons get it for a touchdown or somethin," said Vietnam vet Terry Shaw, 75. "I couldn't believe they actually blatantly won the game. Those punks."

Many inside military circles are calling Houston's intentional win a "slap in the face." Even the President has taken to expressing his views. "I respect the University of Houston and their great athletic programs," President Bush commented. "As a matter of fact, my daughter's friend went there.

But this is uncalled for. I must say, I am disappointed in both the university and the coaches and players for disgracing our great military like this. It was just uncalled for."

When reached for further comment, Sumlin said, "Mmm. Wow. The president got in on this? That's pretty big. Um, again, I apologize, but me and my team had just been doing what we had been doing all year. That's winning football games. Again, we weren't thinking. Please accept our apology."

Area Third-Grader Wins Coolest Ruler Ever At Chuck E. Cheese's

EVANSVILLE, IN- After a long day of playing arcade games, are third-grader Ryan McKenzie used his hard-earned tickets to purchase what he described as the "coolest ruler ever." The ruler, which cost 250 tickets, features a purple, sparkly design, with a yellow sticker imprinted with the Chuck E. Cheese's logo and a picture of Chuck E. himself in the center. "Awesome!" he said after receiving the object. "This is so cool!" He also earned enough tickets to buy two packs of Smarties, an "awesome spider ring," and stickers. As of press time, maternal sources claim that McKenzie will just end up "selling (the ruler) in a yard sale or something."

Reports: Internet Explorer Cannot Display the Webpage

INTERNET EXPLORER LAND, CYBERWORLD- According to computer-screen reports, Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage. "What do you mean you can't display the webpage?" area internet-surfer Don Raglesby said. "You display it every other time. Stupid friggin' thing."

The reports, which came after Raglesby attempted to visit a website he goes to "all the friggin' time," seemed to annoy Raglesby very much. "What the heck is this?" he said. "Man, I always go to this site! This is bullcrap!"

Even after Raglesby's "50th freakin' time" of reloading the webpage, the graphic still appeared on his screen. "This is stupid," he said. "What a load of bullcrap."

According to the reports, the most likely causes of the failure to display the webpage include not being connected to the internet, the website encountering problems, or a possible typing error in the address. As of press time, Raglesby does "not even freakin' plan to diagnose [his] stupid connection problems."

New President To Solve All Of Nation's Problems

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY- Joy is the mood of the times here in the U.S., as the new president-elect Barack Obama is reportedly going to solve all of the nation's problems by himself and make the U.S. a joyous utopia of happiness and prosperity. "Obama's gonna help pay off my mortgage, and my car, and take care of my babies, and everything!" said Angela Smith, 26. "This is the best moment of my life!"

In addition to solving the nation's economic crises, the new president is also expected to end the war in peace, capture Osama Bin Laden, bring our troops back home safely, fix Social Security, improve our nation's schools, bring an end to war and violence in general, and eradicate racism forever. "I can't wait for Obama to take office," said Pittsburgh-area man Joe Libtenkoff, 29. "He's gonna solve all of my problems." Lincoln, Nebraska native Judith Hormonie, 32, also echoed similar sentiments. "Obama's gonna help pay my mortgage, get my children better education, pay off my car, bring my son back from the war, give me a raise, lower gas prices, help me clean up around the house, improve my marriage, walk my dog, feed my baby, improve my sex life, clean my house, and wash the car," he said. "And the bathroom could use some cleaning. I can't wait for this great man to become president."

Perhaps Los Angeles-area woman Rianna Richardson said it best: "Oh my gosh! I love him! I LOVE HIM!!! Obama is so amazing! I'm so glad he's finally president! Oh, wow!!! (sniff) Oh, thank the Lord! This is the happiest moment of my life! Oh, thank you, Obama, so much for coming here! Oh, thank you! Thank you!" she said as she broke into tears and dropped to her knees in joy. "I love you, Obama! I LOVE YOU!!!"

Man Who Used To Stare At Sun Now Mysteriously Blind

PHILADELPHIA, PA- Area man Rick Schefske, 43, who used to make it a point to stare at the sun for minutes at a time daily, has now mysteriously been declared legally blind in the middle of his life. "This comes as a surprise to me," said James Newfolk, PhD, who ran studies on the man. "Rarely do people go blind in the middle of their life for no reason."

According to his family, Schefske would routinely stare at the sun for minutes, sometimes even hours, on end. "He loved to admire the beauty of God's creation," his father, Ryan, said. "Especially by staring for hours on end at a bright heavenly body. It's too bad he won't be able to see the sun again. He loved to just sit there and stare."

"I remember one time when he was 7," his mother, Patricia, commented. "He had just ended another one of his going-out-and-staring-at-the-sun sessions, and he comes back inside and says, 'Mommy, I think my corneas are being directly melted out of my skull.' Ha! What a kidder."

Schefske said that before he went blind, he had had dark spots in his vision in the exact location where the sun had hit his line of sight. "Ever since I can remember, they had always been there," he said of the spots. "Whenever I turned away from the sun, it was like I was still looking at it. These spots were in the exact same spot that the sun had been in my line of vision. Also the same shape as I saw the sun. I remember thinking that was a strange coincidence."

When asked for their opinion on why their son went blind, Schefske's parents were clueless. "I really don't know," his father said. "I really don't know why he went blind. It's just kind of a mystery."

"My great-great-great grandfather was blind in his left eye," Patricia said. "Maybe that has something to do with it."

After extensive studies on the man, scientists suspect that his habit of openly gawking at the sun may have had some part in his going blind. "Basically, the only thing we can find, besides a weak genetic link, is his habit of just staring at the sun," Newfolk said. "But, honestly, we think it has more to do with genetics."

Although the cause has not yet been found, many scientists are warning against staring at the sun for the time being. "We think it may have a weak connection to blindness," said Dr. Evan McGregor, PhD, or Princeton University. "Although there would seem to be no clear link between sitting down and staring at a brightly burning heavenly body for hours at a time and eventual blindness later in life, we seem to have found a small connection. The public may want to hold off on the sun-gazing for now, while we research this."

Special Ed Teacher Tired of Working With These Retards

ATLANTA, GA- Special ed teacher Lola Dickinson, 43, is reportedly tired of working with "all these stupid retards." "I used to have a passion for helping special ed kids learn," Dickinson said. "But now, they just get on my freakin' nerves! Gosh!"
One of the reasons cited for Dickinson's disillusionment with the children was their inability to grasp simple intellectual concepts. "It's like, c'mon, 2+2=7? What the heck is that?," she said. She was also upset over their "complete childishness." "They always goof off in class and stuff, showing everybody the paper duck they made that looks more like a freakin' chainsaw or something," she said. "No wonder you're so stupid. Gosh, I can't deal with that."
Also cited were the kids just being "plain stupid." "There'll always be at least one comin' in here with a raincoat on when it's 75 and sunny," she said. "What the heck? And as if that weren't bad enough, they always wear bike helmets and crap, even when they ride the bus. I mean, seriously, what's with that? They've got problems."
According to Dickinson, the last straw came when her student, Joey, 15, came to class with his shirt on backwards and his boxers on his head, singing 'Take Me Out To The Ballgame." "I mean, seriously, why do you have your underwear on your head? C'mon! What the heck?"
Dickinson said she plans to quit her job teaching at Central High School by the beginning of the next school year, if those stupid retards don't kill her by then.

Ask A Struggling Stand-Up Comedian

by Ron Davie

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

My dad just had a messy divorce. He seems really down right now. I don't think I've ever seen him like this! I don't like it. How can I lift his spirits a little?

- Concerned in Carolina

Dear Concerned,

How y'all doin' tonight? Good? Good, good. How about that weather, huh? What is it with weather, anyway? I mean, it's like stuff that comes out of the sky! I mean, think about it! It's just kinda weird, you know? I mean, it's... yeah. (Clears throat). So, um, what about that movie?

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

I have a friend whom I like as a person very much. However, he seems to think that something more is going on between us. How can I get him to realize that I just want to be friends without hurting his feelings?

-Just A Friend in Jacksonville

Dear Just,

So what's the deal with airline food? I mean, it's just normal peanuts with the word, 'Southwest', on the bag. It's kinda funny when you think about it. I mean, it's just... No? Okay, um... Well, what about those Democrats? I mean, what the heck? Umm... yeah.

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

I love my boyfriend, but I'm confused. He wants to have sex, but I wanted to save it for marriage. Should I get into bed with him? Or should I call the relationship off?

-Torn in Toledo

Dear Torn,

So I was walkin' down the street today, and I saw this man. And this man, he had a shirt on. Yeah, good thing he had a shirt on, right? But no, he had a shirt on that said, 'Vote for Pedro.' And I'm just standin' there, thinkin', "Who's this Pedro dude? Didn't we already have the elections? And I thought it was between Barack and John. Is this some kind of third-party dude? And is he from Mexico?" You know? Cuz I didn't know what his shirt meant. Yeah.

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

Ever since I've moved out, my dad has called me about three times a day! He always wants to go out to eat or wants to check on me or something. I appreciate that he's concerned about me, but he's being too overprotective! How can I let him know this without hurting his feelings?

-Wanting Independence in Washington

Dear Wanting,

Wait! Where is everybody going? Why are you leaving? No, wait! Don't leave! Come back! Wait! No! Wait! Um, ha... I'll be in Cleveland next we- hey! Why are you throwing tomatoes at me? Wait! No! Please! Wait!

Ron Davie is a struggling stand-up comedian whose weekly advice column, Ask A Struggling Stand-Up Comedian, runs in over 700 million newspapers nationwide.

Poor Movie Review Manipulated To Sound Like Good Movie Review

LOS ANGELES, CA- A poor movie review for the upcoming film, "Punisher: War Zone", was manipulated by advertising executives at Lions Gate Films to sound like a positive movie review in the films' new trailers.

"This movie lacks the original qualities and exciting, pulse-pounding action needed to create a first-rate action film," a review by Variety's Todd McCarthy read. "Overall, it's just not very exciting! Do not waste your money on this film. It certainly does not deserve my five stars! Or my two thumbs up! The new ads feature snippets of McCarthy's review that some claim are taken out of context. The series of 30-second spots includes such quotes as, "original," "exciting, pulse-pounding action," "a first-rate action film," "it's... very exciting!", "Do... this film," "five stars!", and "two thumbs up!" After seeing how the ad execs had deliberately misquoted him, McCarthy said, "This is not right! How can they do this? I never said that! It's not in the right context!" Executives for Lions Gate Films thanked McCarthy for his support of their commercials, as they thought he said, "This is... right! I... said that! It's... in the right context!"

Everything Always About Area Man

WALLA WALLA, WA- According to reports from his wife, Aneta, everything is always about area man David Wrinkleshtien. "Everything's always about you," she said. "Why can't you think of somebody else for a change?"
The report came when the couple was looking for a restaurant to eat out at Thursday night, when Aneta proposed that they go to Freddy's Pizza Parlor. David countered, however, with his preference of The Meat Shack, claiming he "liked it better." After hearing David's case for eating at The Meat Shack, Aneta informed him of the always-about-himself status of everything. "That is so typical of him," she said later. "It's always, 'me,me,me,me,me!', with him. I mean, I'm not sayin' it should always be about me, but c'mon. He always chooses where we go to eat. He always chooses the color car we buy. He always chooses everything! Why can't it be about me every once in a while?"
After being charged with only thinking of himself, David shot back, "Why can't you vacuum the downstairs every once in a while? Huh?" The night ended with an awkward dining-out at The Meat Shack.

Area Man Recognizes Alteril Infomercial Guy From Extenze Infomercial

NASHVILLE, TN- Area man John Hedgecock, 43, recognized the guy from an infomercial for the sleep-aid Alteril today from the infomercial for a male-growth pill called Extenze. "I've seen that guy somewhere," Hedgecock thought to himself, as he tried to remember from what other cheap daytime/late-night paid programming he had seen the dude. "I know I've seen that guy before!"
According to reports, it took Hedgecock nearly five seconds to recall seeing the guy in an infomercial he had seen in a long night of flipping through the channels. "I remember seeing that infomercial now," he said. "It was kinda gross."
As of press time, the man is unidentified, but it is widely believed that the poor sap really needs to get a life.

Thanksgiving Parade Float Worker Cannot Believe She is Doing This

NEW YORK, NY- Area woman Janet Turnsten, 39, who signed up to work a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float, cannot believe she is actually doing this right now. "Oh my gosh," she thought to herself, as she helped keep a Santa statue erect while wearing a Christmas tree outfit and half-heartedly waving to spectators. "On national television. Holy crap. I look like a freaking idiot. What was I thinking?" Turnsten also added that if she ever even thinks of doing something like this again, whoever's around at the time should just go ahead and shoot her right there.

Not Sure What Else To Do, Area Man Eats

MARIETTA, GA- During a moment of boredom today, area man Ryan Ricklesby decided to eat. "It's Thanksgiving, right?" he said. "I wouldn't want to let it pass me by without chowing down!" Ricklesby also plans to eat a piece of pumpkin pie later on tonight that he will not even be hungry for.

Watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV Highlight of Area Man's Year

DOVER, DE- Watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV is the best highlight of area man Dave Dorschke's year so far. "I love the parade," Dorschke, 29, said today as he grabbed a tub of popcorn, plopped down on the couch, and watched the parade without any family or friends, since he has no friends. "Wow, look at that."
The parade beat out other moments that most would consider barely memorable, including his high school reunion, watching the "New Year's Rockin' Eve" on TV, and that one episode of David Letterman with that guy who does the celebrity impersonations really good. "This is great," he said as he watched the M&M's float pass by. "I couldn't wish for anything better."
Although he had a great time watching the parade, Dorschke said that "that one time last year when I watched 'A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving'? Man, that was even better."

Point/Counterpoint

Point


I Bet I Could Sex Her Up Real Good


by Jay Morelli





Ooooo, check out that as#! Uh, I could have a lot of fun with her, if you know what I mean. Mmmm, look at that! I know what I would do if I got that as# to myself. Mmmm, da#n! I wish I could get my eyes on those boobies! I bet she's so horny right now... Mmm, what I would do with her in bed... wow.


I could have a lot of fun with her! Hours and hours of wild, crazy f@#$ing, just me and her, together. Mmm, gimme somea that!


I mean, just look at that a$s! Wow! I could give her all the pleasure she wants! Mmm, that's the kind of girl I could picture myself goin' at it all night with...





Counterpoint


He Looks Like The Man I Could Spend The Rest of My Life With


by Audrey Mariel





Ooooo, check out that face! That's the kind of looks I'm lookin' for in a man! I could have a lotta fun with him after dating for five months, getting married, and considering our future and financial stability together, if you know what I mean.


Mmmm, look at that! I know that he looks like the kind of responsible, trustworthy man I could buy a house, start a family and spend the rest of my life with! Dang! I wish I could get my eyes on his body, after courting and getting married, that is. I bet he's so eager to start a family right now... Wow, the parenting team we would make... mmm.


I could have a great future with him! Years and years of great, amazing marital faithfulness, just me and him. Wow, give me some of that!


I mean, just look at that cool, calm demeanor! Wow! He's just the type of emotionally stable man I could use in my life! I bet he could give me all the emotional stability I need to balance myself out! Wow, that's the kind of man I could picture myself asking out on a date, going out for six months with, getting married to, buying a house with, starting a family with, and spending the rest of my life with...

Under Racial Pressure, Redskins Change Name To 'Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen'

WASHINGTON, DC- The Washington Redskins have just announced today that, due to growing pressure from racial equality groups, they have changed their name to the Washington Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen.

"The Washington Redskins have officially changed their name to Washington Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen," Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen Owner Dan Snyder said. "We felt this was the right thing to do, and we shouldn't put it off anymore."

The Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen had come under fire from racial equality groups in recent years, and the pressure had only gotten worse the past two years. In 2006, the National Association for Indian Rights (NAIR) protested the team's former name. "This is a disgusting misrepresentation of the Native American people," NAIR President Tom Martin said of the team's former name at the time. When the team ignored the NAIR's complaints, they decided to boycott the Redskins' games for the 2007 season. However, this did not have much of an effect.

"To be honest, we just wanted those m@#!?!#@!kers out of our hair," Snyder said. "I'm glad we can move on now."

When informed of the team's new nickname, Martin said, "WHAT?!" and beat the reporters away with a shovel.

Ask A First Grade Teacher

by Miss Robinson

Dear First Grade Teacher,

My husband is driving me nuts! Whenever I get dinner ready at 5:00, he's not there to eat what I've been slaving away at all day. Whenever we make plans to go out, he calls me saying he's got to postpone because he's going to be home late. And whenever he is around, all he wants to do is watch TV! He never wants to spend time with me! How can I get him to notice me?

-Frustrated in Ft. Lauderdale

Dear Frustrated,

Okay, class: 9+9 is what? Jimmy? What was that? Noo, not seventeen. You're close, though! Melissa! Uuu, so close! Johnny? Yes, that's right! Good job, Johnny! Now, who can tell me what this is? Jessy! Yes! Alright, Jessy! Way to go! I think she deserves a sticker for that, what do you think, class? Here you go, Jessy! Way to go! Alright, who can solve this one? Anybody? Drew! What was that? Oh, so close! Jake! Yeah! Good job!

Dear First Grade Teacher,

I love my friend a lot. But he just doesn't seem to understand that I need some personal space! Whenever I'm at home, he calls, asking if he can come over. Whenever we're at work, he tries to talk to me all day. I really like him as a friend. He's a cool guy. But how can I get him to understand that I can't talk to him all the time?

-Overwhelmed in Oshkosh

Dear Overwhelmed,

Okay! On to spelling! Who can tell me how to spell the word, 'dog?' Jimmy? No, not an a... Leslie! Yes, that's right! Okay! What about 'zebra?' Tommy! Alright! Yeah! Okay, here's a toughie: spell 'water!' Jimmy? Uu, almost! There's no i! Try again? Yeah! Good job! High five! Okay, on to another word... let's see here, 'car!' Joshua! That's right! You're so good!

Dear First Grade Teacher,

My boyfriend and I love each other very much. We were trying to resist the temptation to have sex before marriage. Unfortunately, we had a breakdown one day and failed to stay abstinent. Now I'm pregnant! Should we go ahead and get married? Or should we take our time?

- Surprised in Sycamore

Dear Surprised,

Okay, time for recess! Who's our line-leader today? Let's see... Jimmy! Alright, Jimmy, c'mon up here... What's that? No, you were the line-leader last week, Merissa. It's Jimmy's turn this week. I know, I know... you'll get another chance later on. Don't worry. Hey, you know what? You can be second in line! How's that sound? Huh? Yeah, get up there! Alright, has everybody got their snacks together? Oh, does anybody have an extra snack to loan Tommy? Anybody wanna share? Hmm? Awww, look at that!

Dear First Grade Teacher,

My parents are always coming over! No matter whether I invite them or not, they just seem to pop up at our house whenever they feel like it! I love my parents, but I'm a 43-year-old woman! It's getting almost unbearable. I can't stand it anymore? What do I tell them?

- Fed Up in Fargo

Dear Fed Up,

Oh, Johnny, don't do that! No, don't jump off the swing like that! You could hurt yourself! Next time, just get off, okay? Thank you. I don't want you getting hurt! Joey, why are you crying? What's that? Hang on, hang on... okay now, slow down and tell me what happened. Why did he do that? Timmy! Come here, please! Why did you push Joey off the monkeybars? Why couldn't you ask him to move? Next time, just ask him, okay? He got hurt, okay? We don't want him getting hurt! Okay, you two go play!

Miss Robinson is a North Dakota first grade teacher whose advice column, Ask a First Grade Teacher, runs in over 700 million newspapers nationwide.

What Do You Think Area Father Is, Made of Money?

BOISE, ID- According to reports, what do you think area father is, made of money? "What do you think I am, made of money?" said area father John Smith when his daughter asked him for cash to go to the movies. The report also stated that maybe she should use her own money, since she has that job. By the way, did she pay area father back?, the report asked. According to previous reports, trees do not grow money, and if you only have ten dollars left, maybe you should skip the Ferris wheel.

Area Packrat Might Need That Later

DETROIT, MI- Area packrat Ryan Stewart, 35, stopped you from throwing away that thing in your garage today, claiming he may need it later. "I might need that sometime down the road," said Stewart, who keeps every newspaper, receipt, and piece of junk mail he has received in the last year in a pile at his house. In addition, he also has a stack of every science test and quiz he has taken since seventh grade in his closet. Although you see no possible use for the object, or his stash of old gum wrappers, you gave it to him anyway, claiming, "Okay, whatever."

AREA TEEN FOUND GUILTY OF DISCUSSING ACT ESSAY TOPIC WITH FRIEND

PROVIDENCE, RI- Local teen Jake Houshmeier, 16, was found guilty today of discussing the ACT essay topic with a friend, sources reported.

The decision was made after a series of court appearances and appeals, which eventually led to the Supreme Court's trial.

According to reports, Jake was "hanging out" with his friend, Blake, on Saturday after taking the ACT standardized test. The two were watching football, and Blake asked him how the test went. "Oh, it was okay, I guess," Houshmeier responded. "It was pretty easy. Just kinda boring. The essay topic was stupid, though. It was -----------------------------------------."

After local authorities gained awareness of the incident later that day, they reported it to the ACT headquarters in Iowa. Not only was Houshmeier arrested the next day, but legal action was brought against him by the higher-ups at the ACT company. "We cannot have public knowledge of confidential information like this just floating around everywhere," said an ACT spokesperson, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "What are they going to do next? Discuss the details of the social sciences section?" He then shuttered in horror.

According to Riverside High School teacher Mrs. Bonworth, who administered Houshmeier the test, Jake had been informed that "you can't discuss the details of the test. Please. Really. It's prohibited. It's really, really not good," before taking the test. "I did all I could," said Bonworth. "I'm just sorry he had to go and do this."

When informed of the incident, Jake's friend Jonathan replied, "Jake did this? Ooooo. Busted." Jake's ex-girlfriend, Melanie, replied, "Good. Finally got what he deserves." His other friend, Ryan, said, " Ooo, dang. He is so grounded."

Houshmeier is scheduled to be on Death Row starting tomorrow. His death by lethal injection is expected to come within ten days.