Wal-Mart Voted 'Most Depressing Place In U.S.' For Seventh Consecutive Year

BWNTONVILLE, ARKANSAS- For the seventh consecutive year, Americans have voted Wal-Mart as the "Most Depressing Place In The U.S.," according to a recent survey conducted by the American Research Group.
"This is great news," said Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke. "We hope to continue Wal-Mart's proud tradition of impersonal, machinistic environments, apathetic employees, and depressingly low prices for years to come."
Among reasons cited by those polled in the study were Wal-Mart's bland, white, windowless interior, the majority of the customer base consisting of depressed losers who have no hope in life, and the greeters, who are almost always surely on the last leg of their life, if not literally on their last leg.
"It's a pretty depressing place to be," said New York resident Aaron Shupelo, who claimed to only visit Wal-Mart when he needed low prices on all his favorite painkillers.
"For some reason, I have seen a much higher proportion of amputees at Wal-Mart than anywhere else I have ever been to. I mean, doesn't that just creep you out? And make you sad?"
Other reasons cited for Wal-Mart's atmosphere of despair: the low prices there, which serve as a constant reminder of the customer's lack of financial resources; depressed, lifeless, and disheartened employees; the lack of music, or any cheerful sound whatsoever, coming from the building; violent child-parent confrontations/screaming matches; the dreary tabloids found displayed visibly at the checkouts; and the high concentration of fat ladies sporting tight clothes and screen-printed bottom shorts.
"Some places are depressing because they remind you of a time in your life that you'll never get back," remarked Aaron Forsworth of Spring Hill, Colorado. "I wish I could say Wal-Mart reminded me of such a time, but...."
"This is an entirely different kind of depressing."
Wal-Mart beat out the likes of nursing homes, funeral homes, the Holocaust Museum, Waffle House, and Kansas for its envied position.
When informed of the achievement, local Wal-Mart electronics department employee Bryon said, "Umm... I duno. Ask Brianna."

Stuff Just Not Going Right For Area Man Lately, You Know?

ALBUQUERQUE, NM- It was reported today that stuff is just not going right for area man Rick Ross lately, you know? "I dunno, it seems like things just aren't going my way these days," he said. Ross, a 29-year-old bookseller at the local Barnes & Noble, is just having a tough time lately, okay? You know how it is. You got work, you got family, you just gotta bunch of stuff you gotta take care of, you know? It's like, can't you get a little alone time here? Anyway, stuff has just been crazy lately. Like, just the other day, Ross spilled coffee all over his shirt, and the guy was really wanting his coffee and being a total jerk and stuff and just started shouting at Ross and everything. Man, it was not pretty. And, man, that's not the end of it, either. Just Monday, this customer was like all screaming at Ross and stuff, and it's like, man, give him a minute, you know? Plus, problems at home and all this crap... it's crazy, dude. And it's not like Ross did anything wrong or something, you know? I mean, the guy is just trying to support his family, and all this- oh, hold on, Ross has got to take this call. Yeah, this is- Oh, what's that? Oh- oh my goodness. Crap- Ross' mom's in the hospital? Oh crap. What else can go wrong?..........

Oh.

Oh man. Sorry, gotta go.

Report: F#cking Celtics

AUSTIN, TX- According to a report made earlier this evening by Austin resident Jon Refarce, f#cking Celtics. "Stupid f#cking Celtics," Refarce said after the Boston Celtics beat the Orlando Magic in Game 5 of the NBA Eastern Conference semifinals on Tuesday night. "What a bunch of dumbf#cks."
The report went on to explain how the Celtics always f#cking get their way with s*it and how he's so f#cking tired of it, the dumba$$es.

Man Pushes Luck With Fast Food Cup Capacity Again

AUSTIN, TX- Area man Luke Jefferson, 46, pushed his luck again today with the amount of soft drink his paper cup could hold. Jefferson, who routinely visits the CiCi's Pizza on North Lamar Boulevard for lunch, decided to go all out when filling up his cup with Cherry Coke at the soft drink dispenser. Although he had already filled the cup almost to the brim, Jefferson, who describes himself as a "giant risk-taker," decided to take his chances with one more push on the back of the trigger labeled "Cherry Coke." "After that last fill-up, I couldn't get my top on without a bunch of Coke pourin' out the top and goin' all down my cup and everything," the man said exasperatedly. "This happens every time." Jefferson then went on to recall the time, as a kid, when he was "making a Suicide" and reluctantly had to pour out all the root beer portion of his concoction in order to fit the cap on. "That's just one time," he said. "I could go on and on for days." Jefferson smirked, wondering why "silly [him] always repeats the same darn mistakes." In order to solve his problem, Jefferson ended up pouring out some of his ice into the grated deposit at the bottom, although he could've just gone without a top in the first place.

No One Told Houston They Were Supposed To Let Air Force Win The Armed Forces Bowl

FORT WORTH, TEXAS- After a 34-28 win over the Air Force Falcons on December 31, 2008 in the Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl, it was revealed that, apparently, no one told the Houston Cougars that they were supposed to let Air Force win their own freakin' bowl game. "Honestly, I didn't even think of it," said Houston head coach Kevin Sumlin, after being informed of the expectations. "I guess it makes sense. To be honest, I was just thinkin' of winning the game."

Millions of fans, analysts and military veterans were shocked after seeing the conclusion of the game. "I just assumed they would fumble on purpose and let the Falcons get it for a touchdown or somethin," said Vietnam vet Terry Shaw, 75. "I couldn't believe they actually blatantly won the game. Those punks."

Many inside military circles are calling Houston's intentional win a "slap in the face." Even the President has taken to expressing his views. "I respect the University of Houston and their great athletic programs," President Bush commented. "As a matter of fact, my daughter's friend went there.

But this is uncalled for. I must say, I am disappointed in both the university and the coaches and players for disgracing our great military like this. It was just uncalled for."

When reached for further comment, Sumlin said, "Mmm. Wow. The president got in on this? That's pretty big. Um, again, I apologize, but me and my team had just been doing what we had been doing all year. That's winning football games. Again, we weren't thinking. Please accept our apology."

Area Third-Grader Wins Coolest Ruler Ever At Chuck E. Cheese's

EVANSVILLE, IN- After a long day of playing arcade games, are third-grader Ryan McKenzie used his hard-earned tickets to purchase what he described as the "coolest ruler ever." The ruler, which cost 250 tickets, features a purple, sparkly design, with a yellow sticker imprinted with the Chuck E. Cheese's logo and a picture of Chuck E. himself in the center. "Awesome!" he said after receiving the object. "This is so cool!" He also earned enough tickets to buy two packs of Smarties, an "awesome spider ring," and stickers. As of press time, maternal sources claim that McKenzie will just end up "selling (the ruler) in a yard sale or something."

Reports: Internet Explorer Cannot Display the Webpage

INTERNET EXPLORER LAND, CYBERWORLD- According to computer-screen reports, Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage. "What do you mean you can't display the webpage?" area internet-surfer Don Raglesby said. "You display it every other time. Stupid friggin' thing."

The reports, which came after Raglesby attempted to visit a website he goes to "all the friggin' time," seemed to annoy Raglesby very much. "What the heck is this?" he said. "Man, I always go to this site! This is bullcrap!"

Even after Raglesby's "50th freakin' time" of reloading the webpage, the graphic still appeared on his screen. "This is stupid," he said. "What a load of bullcrap."

According to the reports, the most likely causes of the failure to display the webpage include not being connected to the internet, the website encountering problems, or a possible typing error in the address. As of press time, Raglesby does "not even freakin' plan to diagnose [his] stupid connection problems."

New President To Solve All Of Nation's Problems

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY- Joy is the mood of the times here in the U.S., as the new president-elect Barack Obama is reportedly going to solve all of the nation's problems by himself and make the U.S. a joyous utopia of happiness and prosperity. "Obama's gonna help pay off my mortgage, and my car, and take care of my babies, and everything!" said Angela Smith, 26. "This is the best moment of my life!"

In addition to solving the nation's economic crises, the new president is also expected to end the war in peace, capture Osama Bin Laden, bring our troops back home safely, fix Social Security, improve our nation's schools, bring an end to war and violence in general, and eradicate racism forever. "I can't wait for Obama to take office," said Pittsburgh-area man Joe Libtenkoff, 29. "He's gonna solve all of my problems." Lincoln, Nebraska native Judith Hormonie, 32, also echoed similar sentiments. "Obama's gonna help pay my mortgage, get my children better education, pay off my car, bring my son back from the war, give me a raise, lower gas prices, help me clean up around the house, improve my marriage, walk my dog, feed my baby, improve my sex life, clean my house, and wash the car," he said. "And the bathroom could use some cleaning. I can't wait for this great man to become president."

Perhaps Los Angeles-area woman Rianna Richardson said it best: "Oh my gosh! I love him! I LOVE HIM!!! Obama is so amazing! I'm so glad he's finally president! Oh, wow!!! (sniff) Oh, thank the Lord! This is the happiest moment of my life! Oh, thank you, Obama, so much for coming here! Oh, thank you! Thank you!" she said as she broke into tears and dropped to her knees in joy. "I love you, Obama! I LOVE YOU!!!"

Man Who Used To Stare At Sun Now Mysteriously Blind

PHILADELPHIA, PA- Area man Rick Schefske, 43, who used to make it a point to stare at the sun for minutes at a time daily, has now mysteriously been declared legally blind in the middle of his life. "This comes as a surprise to me," said James Newfolk, PhD, who ran studies on the man. "Rarely do people go blind in the middle of their life for no reason."

According to his family, Schefske would routinely stare at the sun for minutes, sometimes even hours, on end. "He loved to admire the beauty of God's creation," his father, Ryan, said. "Especially by staring for hours on end at a bright heavenly body. It's too bad he won't be able to see the sun again. He loved to just sit there and stare."

"I remember one time when he was 7," his mother, Patricia, commented. "He had just ended another one of his going-out-and-staring-at-the-sun sessions, and he comes back inside and says, 'Mommy, I think my corneas are being directly melted out of my skull.' Ha! What a kidder."

Schefske said that before he went blind, he had had dark spots in his vision in the exact location where the sun had hit his line of sight. "Ever since I can remember, they had always been there," he said of the spots. "Whenever I turned away from the sun, it was like I was still looking at it. These spots were in the exact same spot that the sun had been in my line of vision. Also the same shape as I saw the sun. I remember thinking that was a strange coincidence."

When asked for their opinion on why their son went blind, Schefske's parents were clueless. "I really don't know," his father said. "I really don't know why he went blind. It's just kind of a mystery."

"My great-great-great grandfather was blind in his left eye," Patricia said. "Maybe that has something to do with it."

After extensive studies on the man, scientists suspect that his habit of openly gawking at the sun may have had some part in his going blind. "Basically, the only thing we can find, besides a weak genetic link, is his habit of just staring at the sun," Newfolk said. "But, honestly, we think it has more to do with genetics."

Although the cause has not yet been found, many scientists are warning against staring at the sun for the time being. "We think it may have a weak connection to blindness," said Dr. Evan McGregor, PhD, or Princeton University. "Although there would seem to be no clear link between sitting down and staring at a brightly burning heavenly body for hours at a time and eventual blindness later in life, we seem to have found a small connection. The public may want to hold off on the sun-gazing for now, while we research this."

Have You Ever Noticed How F@#!in' D#@! Sonuva B!@$# S#!!?

by Chad Jacobs

Tourette's Sufferer

I'm a normal guy. D@#n it! I'm okay when it comes to those d@#n motherf@ckers! But one thing really catches my attention. Haven't you seen how these people live? Again, let me repeat this: Have you ever noticed how f@#!in d#@! sonuva B!@$# S#!!?

Just the other day, I was walking down the road, when motherf#cker, you f#cking b@$!ard s#@t hole f@#ker! F@#!! Then, I saw this other guy, and he was all, "S#!t! Motherf@cking f@cker a$$ b@$!ard f@ck! S#it! F@ck!" When I came with him, he said, F@CCCKKK!!! And holy s#@t piece of s#@t motherfuc$er! S##t! F@ck! He told me I had to f@ck s#it piece of f@ck!

Now, normally, I'm a reasonable guy. But his was just too much. I mean, you know? Holy s@#t-f@$!er! But when I realized he wanted f@$k-@$s b@$tard f@$k!, how could I honestly holy f@ck! I wanted to talk to my sister about it, but how could I? She wouldn't stand for this s@#t piece of s@#t f@cker s@#t!

Now, holy living s@#t f@ck! Godd@#n f@ck s#!t f#!k s#!t! Da#n! Fuc#er f@ck! S#it fuc#! And then, when he told me, s@## holy f#cking s@it f@ck @s#-hole f#ck! So I told him I would not stand for this. And you know what he said to me? Holy s@#t f@ck! He told me he wanted to f@ck off, b@$t#rds f@ck!

And it's not just him! It's everyone like that! They're always, holy s#it, man! F@CK! And I'm always right, too! But no, they just go on and on. F@CK S#IT PIECE OF F@CK G@DD@MN MOTHERF#CKER F@CK S!IT F@CK!

So, in conclusion, people really need to lighten up. Why don't they? It makes no sense! But seriously. HOLY F@CK S#IT F#CK D@MN MOTHERF@CK S#IT F#CK D@MN MOTHERF@CK S#IT B!@CH A$S HOLE F@CK B!@CH S#IT F@CK! HOLY F@CKIN SH@T F@CK! F@CK F#CK F!CK F$CK F?CK F@CK SHI@ F#CCCKKK!

Special Ed Teacher Tired of Working With These Retards

ATLANTA, GA- Special ed teacher Lola Dickinson, 43, is reportedly tired of working with "all these stupid retards." "I used to have a passion for helping special ed kids learn," Dickinson said. "But now, they just get on my freakin' nerves! Gosh!"
One of the reasons cited for Dickinson's disillusionment with the children was their inability to grasp simple intellectual concepts. "It's like, c'mon, 2+2=7? What the heck is that?," she said. She was also upset over their "complete childishness." "They always goof off in class and stuff, showing everybody the paper duck they made that looks more like a freakin' chainsaw or something," she said. "No wonder you're so stupid. Gosh, I can't deal with that."
Also cited were the kids just being "plain stupid." "There'll always be at least one comin' in here with a raincoat on when it's 75 and sunny," she said. "What the heck? And as if that weren't bad enough, they always wear bike helmets and crap, even when they ride the bus. I mean, seriously, what's with that? They've got problems."
According to Dickinson, the last straw came when her student, Joey, 15, came to class with his shirt on backwards and his boxers on his head, singing 'Take Me Out To The Ballgame." "I mean, seriously, why do you have your underwear on your head? C'mon! What the heck?"
Dickinson said she plans to quit her job teaching at Central High School by the beginning of the next school year, if those stupid retards don't kill her by then.

Ask A Struggling Stand-Up Comedian

by Ron Davie

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

My dad just had a messy divorce. He seems really down right now. I don't think I've ever seen him like this! I don't like it. How can I lift his spirits a little?

- Concerned in Carolina

Dear Concerned,

How y'all doin' tonight? Good? Good, good. How about that weather, huh? What is it with weather, anyway? I mean, it's like stuff that comes out of the sky! I mean, think about it! It's just kinda weird, you know? I mean, it's... yeah. (Clears throat). So, um, what about that movie?

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

I have a friend whom I like as a person very much. However, he seems to think that something more is going on between us. How can I get him to realize that I just want to be friends without hurting his feelings?

-Just A Friend in Jacksonville

Dear Just,

So what's the deal with airline food? I mean, it's just normal peanuts with the word, 'Southwest', on the bag. It's kinda funny when you think about it. I mean, it's just... No? Okay, um... Well, what about those Democrats? I mean, what the heck? Umm... yeah.

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

I love my boyfriend, but I'm confused. He wants to have sex, but I wanted to save it for marriage. Should I get into bed with him? Or should I call the relationship off?

-Torn in Toledo

Dear Torn,

So I was walkin' down the street today, and I saw this man. And this man, he had a shirt on. Yeah, good thing he had a shirt on, right? But no, he had a shirt on that said, 'Vote for Pedro.' And I'm just standin' there, thinkin', "Who's this Pedro dude? Didn't we already have the elections? And I thought it was between Barack and John. Is this some kind of third-party dude? And is he from Mexico?" You know? Cuz I didn't know what his shirt meant. Yeah.

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

Ever since I've moved out, my dad has called me about three times a day! He always wants to go out to eat or wants to check on me or something. I appreciate that he's concerned about me, but he's being too overprotective! How can I let him know this without hurting his feelings?

-Wanting Independence in Washington

Dear Wanting,

Wait! Where is everybody going? Why are you leaving? No, wait! Don't leave! Come back! Wait! No! Wait! Um, ha... I'll be in Cleveland next we- hey! Why are you throwing tomatoes at me? Wait! No! Please! Wait!

Ron Davie is a struggling stand-up comedian whose weekly advice column, Ask A Struggling Stand-Up Comedian, runs in over 700 million newspapers nationwide.

Poor Movie Review Manipulated To Sound Like Good Movie Review

LOS ANGELES, CA- A poor movie review for the upcoming film, "Punisher: War Zone", was manipulated by advertising executives at Lions Gate Films to sound like a positive movie review in the films' new trailers.

"This movie lacks the original qualities and exciting, pulse-pounding action needed to create a first-rate action film," a review by Variety's Todd McCarthy read. "Overall, it's just not very exciting! Do not waste your money on this film. It certainly does not deserve my five stars! Or my two thumbs up! The new ads feature snippets of McCarthy's review that some claim are taken out of context. The series of 30-second spots includes such quotes as, "original," "exciting, pulse-pounding action," "a first-rate action film," "it's... very exciting!", "Do... this film," "five stars!", and "two thumbs up!" After seeing how the ad execs had deliberately misquoted him, McCarthy said, "This is not right! How can they do this? I never said that! It's not in the right context!" Executives for Lions Gate Films thanked McCarthy for his support of their commercials, as they thought he said, "This is... right! I... said that! It's... in the right context!"

Everything Always About Area Man

WALLA WALLA, WA- According to reports from his wife, Aneta, everything is always about area man David Wrinkleshtien. "Everything's always about you," she said. "Why can't you think of somebody else for a change?"
The report came when the couple was looking for a restaurant to eat out at Thursday night, when Aneta proposed that they go to Freddy's Pizza Parlor. David countered, however, with his preference of The Meat Shack, claiming he "liked it better." After hearing David's case for eating at The Meat Shack, Aneta informed him of the always-about-himself status of everything. "That is so typical of him," she said later. "It's always, 'me,me,me,me,me!', with him. I mean, I'm not sayin' it should always be about me, but c'mon. He always chooses where we go to eat. He always chooses the color car we buy. He always chooses everything! Why can't it be about me every once in a while?"
After being charged with only thinking of himself, David shot back, "Why can't you vacuum the downstairs every once in a while? Huh?" The night ended with an awkward dining-out at The Meat Shack.

Area Man Recognizes Alteril Infomercial Guy From Extenze Infomercial

NASHVILLE, TN- Area man John Hedgecock, 43, recognized the guy from an infomercial for the sleep-aid Alteril today from the infomercial for a male-growth pill called Extenze. "I've seen that guy somewhere," Hedgecock thought to himself, as he tried to remember from what other cheap daytime/late-night paid programming he had seen the dude. "I know I've seen that guy before!"
According to reports, it took Hedgecock nearly five seconds to recall seeing the guy in an infomercial he had seen in a long night of flipping through the channels. "I remember seeing that infomercial now," he said. "It was kinda gross."
As of press time, the man is unidentified, but it is widely believed that the poor sap really needs to get a life.

Thanksgiving Parade Float Worker Cannot Believe She is Doing This

NEW YORK, NY- Area woman Janet Turnsten, 39, who signed up to work a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float, cannot believe she is actually doing this right now. "Oh my gosh," she thought to herself, as she helped keep a Santa statue erect while wearing a Christmas tree outfit and half-heartedly waving to spectators. "On national television. Holy crap. I look like a freaking idiot. What was I thinking?" Turnsten also added that if she ever even thinks of doing something like this again, whoever's around at the time should just go ahead and shoot her right there.

Watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV Highlight of Area Man's Year

DOVER, DE- Watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV is the best highlight of area man Dave Dorschke's year so far. "I love the parade," Dorschke, 29, said today as he grabbed a tub of popcorn, plopped down on the couch, and watched the parade without any family or friends, since he has no friends. "Wow, look at that."
The parade beat out other moments that most would consider barely memorable, including his high school reunion, watching the "New Year's Rockin' Eve" on TV, and that one episode of David Letterman with that guy who does the celebrity impersonations really good. "This is great," he said as he watched the M&M's float pass by. "I couldn't wish for anything better."
Although he had a great time watching the parade, Dorschke said that "that one time last year when I watched 'A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving'? Man, that was even better."

'Dora the Explorer' Balloon Comes Alive and Eats Everyone in Sight

NEW YORK, NY- Tragedy struck the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this morning, as the 'Dora the Explorer' balloon suddenly and without warning came to life and devoured everyone in sight. "It was horrible," said balloon-handler Dan Founchep, 33, who managed to escape. "It- it just- it just killed everything... oh gosh."

The incident occurred around 9:15 central time, as the balloon was making its way past ESPNzone. The day had gone just as planned previously, until, when no one was looking, the balloon turned on its handlers and ate them all, save Founchep. It then reared its blood-thirsty head over to the crowd, which was in a panic by this time. The creature walked slowly over to the crowd and hand-picked certain observers to eat, focusing especially on the children who had so eagerly supported it before. "I AM DORA!!" the monster shouted as it threw a handful of screaming five-year-olds into its mouth. "NO ONE SHALL STOP ME!!! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

After seeing their companion turn like this, numerous balloon-characters stepped in to intervene, including Barney, who attempted to reason with it through an "I Love You" song, the Energizer bunny, who smashed it on the head with its drumsticks, and Ronald McDonald, who offered a lifetime supply of Happy Meals if she would end her rampage. Most notable of the attempts to stop her, however, was that of Buzz Lightyear, who almost took out the beast, had Dora's evil sidekick, Backpack, not intervened to stop the crime-fighter. Pikachu and Charlie Brown also stepped in, but only to aid the adventurer in her reign of terror.

After its fellow balloons' failed attempts to stop her, NYPD groups and SWAT teams were brought in to tranquilize the overgrown beast, ending the ruckus. "This is the greatest tragedy to hit New York since 9/11," NYPD police officer Michael Ricardo said. "I'm just glad it didn't escalate to something bigger."

Area Woman Panics After Getting Fingers Stuck in Chinese Finger Trap

JACKSONVILLE, FL- Area woman Janice Turnpike, 39, panicked today after getting her fingers stuck in a Chinese finger trap. "I don't know why I keep using those things," she said. "Every time, I get my finger stuck and I always think I'll never get it out." According to household reports, Turnpike panicked for minutes after struggling to get her finger free. "She was runnin' all around, sayin' she'll never use her fingers again," said husband David. "She kept sayin' they would have to amputate her fingers and stuff."

Turnpike reportedly found the finger trap in her toddler's playthings, then proceeded to put it on. After applying the device, she tried to remove it, a task which she apparently could not do. "Man, I was so freaked out," she said. After several minutes of attempting to take it off without assistance, she reportedly got nervous and attempted to run hot water over it. "I put my hand under the sink, and turned it on," she commented. "It works with pickle jars. I thought it might work." After her attempt failed, she reportedly whispered, "Holy crap," as she came to a supposed realization that this could be the end for her index fingers. She then reached for the scissors, but remembered that she couldn't cut it, since her fingers were in there. After realizing her desperate state, she began banging her hands against the counter top in a futile attempt to break the toy. Several minutes later, her hair ruffled and her eyes bloodshot, she curled up into a ball on the kitchen floor and started crying. "WHYYY?!?!" she shouted, as she promised herself never to use one of the contraptions again. "Why did I put that on? WHY!?" Her husband came downstairs after hearing her pleas. He then proceeded to show her the proper way of removing it. "Oh, David!" she said in a grateful show of emotion. "Thank you! I'm so glad I didn't have to cut my fingers off!"

After the "most harrowing seven minutes" of her life, Turnpike had this to say: "I'm just glad I can actually use my fingers still. At least I didn't have to resort to stomping on my own hand or putting it in a blender or something."

No News Today

ALL OVER THE WORLD- We're sorry, but unfortunately no newsworthy or especially relevant events have taken place in the past 24 hours anywhere across the globe. That's right- no wars, no new presidential cabinet selections, no new groundbreaking studies, no amazing discoveries, nd no special celebrity appearances on Saturday Night Live. "Nothing has really happened around here," said Stanford scientist Dr. Evan H. McGregor, PhD.

When contacted for information on new developments in his life after the presidential campaign, former candidate Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) relied, "Well, I tried those new foot pads my doctor gave me. But that's about it. Oh, I also forgot to take my medicine yesterday."

Even in the sports world, things seem to remain constant and unsurprising. Alabama (for some reason) is still No. 1 in the college football AP poll, asm well as the BCS standings. There have been no major upsets in recent weeks, and the polls ahve remained largely the same. Oh yeah, and the Titans are still undefeated.

So, yeah, other than that, nothin' really happened today. Soooo... (cough). Yeah. Um.... I don't really have anything else to say. So yeah. How are things with you? How's the move going? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And the parents? Mm-hmm. So the dog's doing well. How 'bout this weather, huh? Yeah, man. You're tellin' me. Yeah... so, yeah. Huh, you can say that again.

We regret not being able to bring you any news today. Please forgive us for letting this uneventful day pass by. So, anyway, to make it up to you, here's this thing. Isn't it cute??