Stuff Just Not Going Right For Area Man Lately, You Know?

ALBUQUERQUE, NM- It was reported today that stuff is just not going right for area man Rick Ross lately, you know? "I dunno, it seems like things just aren't going my way these days," he said. Ross, a 29-year-old bookseller at the local Barnes & Noble, is just having a tough time lately, okay? You know how it is. You got work, you got family, you just gotta bunch of stuff you gotta take care of, you know? It's like, can't you get a little alone time here? Anyway, stuff has just been crazy lately. Like, just the other day, Ross spilled coffee all over his shirt, and the guy was really wanting his coffee and being a total jerk and stuff and just started shouting at Ross and everything. Man, it was not pretty. And, man, that's not the end of it, either. Just Monday, this customer was like all screaming at Ross and stuff, and it's like, man, give him a minute, you know? Plus, problems at home and all this crap... it's crazy, dude. And it's not like Ross did anything wrong or something, you know? I mean, the guy is just trying to support his family, and all this- oh, hold on, Ross has got to take this call. Yeah, this is- Oh, what's that? Oh- oh my goodness. Crap- Ross' mom's in the hospital? Oh crap. What else can go wrong?..........

Oh.

Oh man. Sorry, gotta go.

Report: F#cking Celtics

AUSTIN, TX- According to a report made earlier this evening by Austin resident Jon Refarce, f#cking Celtics. "Stupid f#cking Celtics," Refarce said after the Boston Celtics beat the Orlando Magic in Game 5 of the NBA Eastern Conference semifinals on Tuesday night. "What a bunch of dumbf#cks."
The report went on to explain how the Celtics always f#cking get their way with s*it and how he's so f#cking tired of it, the dumba$$es.

Man Not Really Sure How To Pronounce 'Van Nuys'

PHILADELPHIA, PA- Area man Frank Kallendar, 35, is reportedly not really sure how to pronounce the latter word in the Los Angeles district name of Van Nuys. "Is it like, 'noise'? Or,'news'? Or what?," a perplexed Kallendar asked no one in particular after coming across the title of the community in the San Fernando Valley region of LA. "Or is it like, 'newies' or something? I doubt it would be like 'noose' or anything like that." The man said he actually looked up how to pronounce it on the computer once before, but all he got were "these weird little symbol things."