New Video Game Cheat Code Allows Player To Actually Be Good At Game

REDMOND, WA- It was revealed today that the as-yet-unreleased video game, Batman 3DS will feature a cheat code that allows the player to actually be good at the game, instead of relying on a bunch of cheat codes.
Nintendo of America President and Chief Operating Officer Reggie Fils-Aime had this to say: "At Nintendo, we always want our players to have access to special cheats that can unlock hidden nuggets. What better cheat than a cheat used so that you won't have to rely on cheats? It's genius!"
Upon hearing the news, millions of fans were clamoring for the new game, saying it will be great to have a game they won't have to cheat at, except for the cheat of being able not to cheat. Said one eager customer, "Thank goodness! I suck at all my other games, and have to use cheat codes. Now I'll have a game where I won't need them! Except maybe once."

Trump Declares "Raised Middle Finger" Official Hand Gesture of U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC- In his first act in office, today President Donald J. Trump declared the "Raised Middle Finger" the official hand gesture of the U.S.
"Today is a huge day for the middle finger," Trump said. "I have loved the middle finger my whole life."
The "Raised Middle Finger" beat out the likes of the "Okay Sign", the "Thumbs Up," the "Thumbs Down," and the "Wave" for the honor.

Nation's Masochists Just Loving This Stuff

Nuts Celebrate 50,000,000th Cookie Ruined

Man Thought Phrase Was "Booze It Or Lose It"

NASHVILLE, TN- According to reports, area man David Laheim thought the phrase regarding drunk driving was "booze it or lose it."
"I was about to leave the bar, but I thought I better get a few more drinks before I started driving again," Laheim said. "You know, I didn't want to lose my license, or my freedom. The whole 'booze it or lose it' thing."
According to sources, Laheim was arrested almost immediately after he left the bar, as he ran over two kids and a small dog.

Man Torn About How To React Following Alabama Loss

NEW YORK, NY- While admittedly excited about Alabama's loss to Clemson in the 2016 College Football Playoff National Championship game, area man Brian Windhorst was also confused about how to react, given that the loss could also reflect well on former Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin.

"I mean, I'm glad to see those little f#cks lose, but I wish it hadn't happened right after that a$$hole Kiffin got fired," Windhorst said. "Now, one could say that the loss happened because Lane Kiffin left. And that reflects well on Lane Kiffin. Damn it..."

At press time, Windhorst was mostly excited, but still, there's that Kiffin thing, so... yeah.