Area Third-Grader Wins Coolest Ruler Ever At Chuck E. Cheese's

EVANSVILLE, IN- After a long day of playing arcade games, are third-grader Ryan McKenzie used his hard-earned tickets to purchase what he described as the "coolest ruler ever." The ruler, which cost 250 tickets, features a purple, sparkly design, with a yellow sticker imprinted with the Chuck E. Cheese's logo and a picture of Chuck E. himself in the center. "Awesome!" he said after receiving the object. "This is so cool!" He also earned enough tickets to buy two packs of Smarties, an "awesome spider ring," and stickers. As of press time, maternal sources claim that McKenzie will just end up "selling (the ruler) in a yard sale or something."

Reports: Internet Explorer Cannot Display the Webpage

INTERNET EXPLORER LAND, CYBERWORLD- According to computer-screen reports, Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage. "What do you mean you can't display the webpage?" area internet-surfer Don Raglesby said. "You display it every other time. Stupid friggin' thing."

The reports, which came after Raglesby attempted to visit a website he goes to "all the friggin' time," seemed to annoy Raglesby very much. "What the heck is this?" he said. "Man, I always go to this site! This is bullcrap!"

Even after Raglesby's "50th freakin' time" of reloading the webpage, the graphic still appeared on his screen. "This is stupid," he said. "What a load of bullcrap."

According to the reports, the most likely causes of the failure to display the webpage include not being connected to the internet, the website encountering problems, or a possible typing error in the address. As of press time, Raglesby does "not even freakin' plan to diagnose [his] stupid connection problems."

New President To Solve All Of Nation's Problems

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY- Joy is the mood of the times here in the U.S., as the new president-elect Barack Obama is reportedly going to solve all of the nation's problems by himself and make the U.S. a joyous utopia of happiness and prosperity. "Obama's gonna help pay off my mortgage, and my car, and take care of my babies, and everything!" said Angela Smith, 26. "This is the best moment of my life!"

In addition to solving the nation's economic crises, the new president is also expected to end the war in peace, capture Osama Bin Laden, bring our troops back home safely, fix Social Security, improve our nation's schools, bring an end to war and violence in general, and eradicate racism forever. "I can't wait for Obama to take office," said Pittsburgh-area man Joe Libtenkoff, 29. "He's gonna solve all of my problems." Lincoln, Nebraska native Judith Hormonie, 32, also echoed similar sentiments. "Obama's gonna help pay my mortgage, get my children better education, pay off my car, bring my son back from the war, give me a raise, lower gas prices, help me clean up around the house, improve my marriage, walk my dog, feed my baby, improve my sex life, clean my house, and wash the car," he said. "And the bathroom could use some cleaning. I can't wait for this great man to become president."

Perhaps Los Angeles-area woman Rianna Richardson said it best: "Oh my gosh! I love him! I LOVE HIM!!! Obama is so amazing! I'm so glad he's finally president! Oh, wow!!! (sniff) Oh, thank the Lord! This is the happiest moment of my life! Oh, thank you, Obama, so much for coming here! Oh, thank you! Thank you!" she said as she broke into tears and dropped to her knees in joy. "I love you, Obama! I LOVE YOU!!!"

Man Who Used To Stare At Sun Now Mysteriously Blind

PHILADELPHIA, PA- Area man Rick Schefske, 43, who used to make it a point to stare at the sun for minutes at a time daily, has now mysteriously been declared legally blind in the middle of his life. "This comes as a surprise to me," said James Newfolk, PhD, who ran studies on the man. "Rarely do people go blind in the middle of their life for no reason."

According to his family, Schefske would routinely stare at the sun for minutes, sometimes even hours, on end. "He loved to admire the beauty of God's creation," his father, Ryan, said. "Especially by staring for hours on end at a bright heavenly body. It's too bad he won't be able to see the sun again. He loved to just sit there and stare."

"I remember one time when he was 7," his mother, Patricia, commented. "He had just ended another one of his going-out-and-staring-at-the-sun sessions, and he comes back inside and says, 'Mommy, I think my corneas are being directly melted out of my skull.' Ha! What a kidder."

Schefske said that before he went blind, he had had dark spots in his vision in the exact location where the sun had hit his line of sight. "Ever since I can remember, they had always been there," he said of the spots. "Whenever I turned away from the sun, it was like I was still looking at it. These spots were in the exact same spot that the sun had been in my line of vision. Also the same shape as I saw the sun. I remember thinking that was a strange coincidence."

When asked for their opinion on why their son went blind, Schefske's parents were clueless. "I really don't know," his father said. "I really don't know why he went blind. It's just kind of a mystery."

"My great-great-great grandfather was blind in his left eye," Patricia said. "Maybe that has something to do with it."

After extensive studies on the man, scientists suspect that his habit of openly gawking at the sun may have had some part in his going blind. "Basically, the only thing we can find, besides a weak genetic link, is his habit of just staring at the sun," Newfolk said. "But, honestly, we think it has more to do with genetics."

Although the cause has not yet been found, many scientists are warning against staring at the sun for the time being. "We think it may have a weak connection to blindness," said Dr. Evan McGregor, PhD, or Princeton University. "Although there would seem to be no clear link between sitting down and staring at a brightly burning heavenly body for hours at a time and eventual blindness later in life, we seem to have found a small connection. The public may want to hold off on the sun-gazing for now, while we research this."

Have You Ever Noticed How F@#!in' D#@! Sonuva B!@$# S#!!?

by Chad Jacobs

Tourette's Sufferer

I'm a normal guy. D@#n it! I'm okay when it comes to those d@#n motherf@ckers! But one thing really catches my attention. Haven't you seen how these people live? Again, let me repeat this: Have you ever noticed how f@#!in d#@! sonuva B!@$# S#!!?

Just the other day, I was walking down the road, when motherf#cker, you f#cking b@$!ard s#@t hole f@#ker! F@#!! Then, I saw this other guy, and he was all, "S#!t! Motherf@cking f@cker a$$ b@$!ard f@ck! S#it! F@ck!" When I came with him, he said, F@CCCKKK!!! And holy s#@t piece of s#@t motherfuc$er! S##t! F@ck! He told me I had to f@ck s#it piece of f@ck!

Now, normally, I'm a reasonable guy. But his was just too much. I mean, you know? Holy s@#t-f@$!er! But when I realized he wanted f@$k-@$s b@$tard f@$k!, how could I honestly holy f@ck! I wanted to talk to my sister about it, but how could I? She wouldn't stand for this s@#t piece of s@#t f@cker s@#t!

Now, holy living s@#t f@ck! Godd@#n f@ck s#!t f#!k s#!t! Da#n! Fuc#er f@ck! S#it fuc#! And then, when he told me, s@## holy f#cking s@it f@ck @s#-hole f#ck! So I told him I would not stand for this. And you know what he said to me? Holy s@#t f@ck! He told me he wanted to f@ck off, b@$t#rds f@ck!

And it's not just him! It's everyone like that! They're always, holy s#it, man! F@CK! And I'm always right, too! But no, they just go on and on. F@CK S#IT PIECE OF F@CK G@DD@MN MOTHERF#CKER F@CK S!IT F@CK!

So, in conclusion, people really need to lighten up. Why don't they? It makes no sense! But seriously. HOLY F@CK S#IT F#CK D@MN MOTHERF@CK S#IT F#CK D@MN MOTHERF@CK S#IT B!@CH A$S HOLE F@CK B!@CH S#IT F@CK! HOLY F@CKIN SH@T F@CK! F@CK F#CK F!CK F$CK F?CK F@CK SHI@ F#CCCKKK!

Special Ed Teacher Tired of Working With These Retards

ATLANTA, GA- Special ed teacher Lola Dickinson, 43, is reportedly tired of working with "all these stupid retards." "I used to have a passion for helping special ed kids learn," Dickinson said. "But now, they just get on my freakin' nerves! Gosh!"
One of the reasons cited for Dickinson's disillusionment with the children was their inability to grasp simple intellectual concepts. "It's like, c'mon, 2+2=7? What the heck is that?," she said. She was also upset over their "complete childishness." "They always goof off in class and stuff, showing everybody the paper duck they made that looks more like a freakin' chainsaw or something," she said. "No wonder you're so stupid. Gosh, I can't deal with that."
Also cited were the kids just being "plain stupid." "There'll always be at least one comin' in here with a raincoat on when it's 75 and sunny," she said. "What the heck? And as if that weren't bad enough, they always wear bike helmets and crap, even when they ride the bus. I mean, seriously, what's with that? They've got problems."
According to Dickinson, the last straw came when her student, Joey, 15, came to class with his shirt on backwards and his boxers on his head, singing 'Take Me Out To The Ballgame." "I mean, seriously, why do you have your underwear on your head? C'mon! What the heck?"
Dickinson said she plans to quit her job teaching at Central High School by the beginning of the next school year, if those stupid retards don't kill her by then.

Ask A Struggling Stand-Up Comedian

by Ron Davie

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

My dad just had a messy divorce. He seems really down right now. I don't think I've ever seen him like this! I don't like it. How can I lift his spirits a little?

- Concerned in Carolina

Dear Concerned,

How y'all doin' tonight? Good? Good, good. How about that weather, huh? What is it with weather, anyway? I mean, it's like stuff that comes out of the sky! I mean, think about it! It's just kinda weird, you know? I mean, it's... yeah. (Clears throat). So, um, what about that movie?

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

I have a friend whom I like as a person very much. However, he seems to think that something more is going on between us. How can I get him to realize that I just want to be friends without hurting his feelings?

-Just A Friend in Jacksonville

Dear Just,

So what's the deal with airline food? I mean, it's just normal peanuts with the word, 'Southwest', on the bag. It's kinda funny when you think about it. I mean, it's just... No? Okay, um... Well, what about those Democrats? I mean, what the heck? Umm... yeah.

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

I love my boyfriend, but I'm confused. He wants to have sex, but I wanted to save it for marriage. Should I get into bed with him? Or should I call the relationship off?

-Torn in Toledo

Dear Torn,

So I was walkin' down the street today, and I saw this man. And this man, he had a shirt on. Yeah, good thing he had a shirt on, right? But no, he had a shirt on that said, 'Vote for Pedro.' And I'm just standin' there, thinkin', "Who's this Pedro dude? Didn't we already have the elections? And I thought it was between Barack and John. Is this some kind of third-party dude? And is he from Mexico?" You know? Cuz I didn't know what his shirt meant. Yeah.

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

Ever since I've moved out, my dad has called me about three times a day! He always wants to go out to eat or wants to check on me or something. I appreciate that he's concerned about me, but he's being too overprotective! How can I let him know this without hurting his feelings?

-Wanting Independence in Washington

Dear Wanting,

Wait! Where is everybody going? Why are you leaving? No, wait! Don't leave! Come back! Wait! No! Wait! Um, ha... I'll be in Cleveland next we- hey! Why are you throwing tomatoes at me? Wait! No! Please! Wait!

Ron Davie is a struggling stand-up comedian whose weekly advice column, Ask A Struggling Stand-Up Comedian, runs in over 700 million newspapers nationwide.