Friday, September 26, 2008
Report: Steelers Own
PITTSBURGH, PA- According to a report made by local man Ron Turnshkey, the Pittsburgh Steelers "freakin' rock." The report, which came after a 35-7 win over their longtime rival Cleveland Browns, also went on to praise the Steelers' "rul[ing]" and "kick[ing] butt" status. "The Steelers own," Turnshkey said. In addition to Sunday's report, Turnshkey has also issued other reports on the Steelers' status in the past, which included their absolutely friggin' owning everyone in 2004 to their most awesome team ever status in 2005.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Hustle!
By Coach JenkinsC'mon, Williams! Run!
We ain't gonna beat Richmond with that effort!
C'mon, fellas! We're goin' for state here!
Hustle,fellas,hustle!
C'mon, man! HIT! Hit 'em!
C'mon boys, hit 'em in the mouth!
Tackle 'im! C'mon, boys!
My grandma can hit better than that!
GOODWYN! Come 'ere, boy!
You can't let him get past you like that!
You gotta tackle 'em!
C'mon now! Get out there!
Let's go fellas! C'mon, now!
Let's go!!! C'mon!
We're goin' for state, fellas! We're goin' for state!
Let's go!
We gotta hit 'em out there!
RUN! Run, Williams, run!
Atta boy, Williams! There we go!
We gotta do some more of that, fellas!
Let's go!
Nice pass, Carter! Very nice!
Let's go!
Hustle, now, hustle!
Run!
We gotta give our very best now, guys!
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Friday night, fellas!
Goin' for state!
No one gave us a chance, fellas! No one!
Let's go out there and prove 'em wrong!
C'mon, now!
We gotta hit 'em!
Hustle! Hustle, now, hustle!
C'mon!
Hurry up! Let's go, let's go, let's go!
C'mon now, guys!
We gotta hit 'em!
Hustle, now, hustle!
Alright, fellas, good!
Take a water break.
We gotta get back out there and hustle on Friday night!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Act Of 'Moving It' Enjoyed
WALLAWALLA,WA- According to a report made by moviegoer Tom Belinsky, the act of "mov[ing] it, mov[ing] it" on Tom's part is a higly pleasurable act. "I like to move it, move it," a pleased Belinsky exclaimed. The act of "mov[ing] it" is apparently very enjoyable, considering Belinsky's emphatic repetitions of the phrase in a fun, sing-songy tone. At one point, Belinsky paused after saying, "You like to..." in an attempt to get the other moviegoers to finish the lyric. The bystanders said, "Excuse me," or just pushed their way past Belinsky as he finished the line himself.
Area Boy To Freeze Out There
GREEN BAY, WI- According to 43-year-old mother of three Janet Goodman, 6-year-old son Jarrett will reportedly "freeze out there," barring the addition of a jacket to his wardrobe. According to household reports, the boy had begun to walk out of the door in boots, jeans, and a long-sleeve shirt in order to play in the snow before being stopped by his worried mother. "Jarry, you'll freeze out there!", the anxious woman cried. "Put on a jacket!" The boy then reportedly ran upstairs, put on a sweatshirt halfway, and zipped out the door before taking the sweatshirt off and leaving it in the garage.
Area Man Proud To Live Near First Baptist Church
TULSA,OK- Area technician Dave Lester, 43, is proud to live near the first-ever baptist church. "It's a great honor," Lester said. "I never knew our town was renowned for so great a thing. Our claim to fame, you know."
The historic church is located on 2342 East Barden Drive. It was built in 1985.
"Yeah, that's weird... I thought the Baptists started before then. Maybe they just, like, met at each other's houses, or something before then."
Controversy has erupted, though, over the Tulsa church's claim as being the first-ever baptist church. Churchgoers from Los Angeles, New York, Nashville, Albuquerque, Green Bay, Lanedale, Kansas; Cool Springs, Tennessee; various areas in Nebraska, a small unnamed community in North Dakota, a rural town in South Alabama, and various other places scattered throughout the southeast, all claim to have the first baptist church in their hometowns.
One man from Murfreesboro, Tennessee claimed, "Well, there's that place over near the square. They claim to be the first baptist church, so I guess I believe them."
Several lawsuits have been considered by the towns with the "first" baptist churches. The various chambers of congress, however, have decided against legal action, claiming it would not be worth it.
Even more perplexing to Lester is the fact that Tulsa also contains the Third Baptist Church. "I had no idea this town had so much history to it," Lester observed. "By the way, where is the second baptist church?"
There are approximately 50,079 other "third" baptist churches around the nation. As of press time, apparently no one has ever seen the second baptist church.
The historic church is located on 2342 East Barden Drive. It was built in 1985.
"Yeah, that's weird... I thought the Baptists started before then. Maybe they just, like, met at each other's houses, or something before then."
Controversy has erupted, though, over the Tulsa church's claim as being the first-ever baptist church. Churchgoers from Los Angeles, New York, Nashville, Albuquerque, Green Bay, Lanedale, Kansas; Cool Springs, Tennessee; various areas in Nebraska, a small unnamed community in North Dakota, a rural town in South Alabama, and various other places scattered throughout the southeast, all claim to have the first baptist church in their hometowns.
One man from Murfreesboro, Tennessee claimed, "Well, there's that place over near the square. They claim to be the first baptist church, so I guess I believe them."
Several lawsuits have been considered by the towns with the "first" baptist churches. The various chambers of congress, however, have decided against legal action, claiming it would not be worth it.
Even more perplexing to Lester is the fact that Tulsa also contains the Third Baptist Church. "I had no idea this town had so much history to it," Lester observed. "By the way, where is the second baptist church?"
There are approximately 50,079 other "third" baptist churches around the nation. As of press time, apparently no one has ever seen the second baptist church.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Everyday Life Rated PG-13
WASHINGTON,DC- The MPAA has just released a PG-13 rating for everyday life. Everyday life, a common experience shared by every living organism on the planet, has been deemed inappropriate for children under 13 without parental supervision.
"We judged everyday life by the same criteria we do all our other reviewed media," MPAA spokesman Antonio Lycman said. "We came to the conclusion that parental supervision is strongly suggested for living children under 13."
Some of the objectionable content leading to the rating are "strong violence, intense sequences of horror and terror, gore, sexual content, nudity, innuendo, crude humor, drug use, teenage drinking, fantasy/cartton violence, strong language, sexual references, tobacco use, drinking, teen sex, intense action violence,
and smoking."
"There are long, intense sequences of violence in life," Lycman stated.
"Not only that, but drug use and sex were both heavily present in life."
Asked why the popular for of existence did not receive an R rating, Lycman said,
"We feel that would have been inappropriate. We can't not allow children under 17 into life. It would be highly impractical."
The announcement has had a profound impact on parents and family life around the nation. "I used to just let my daughter go to school alone every day, without my supervision," 43-year-old Todd Blackman said of his 8-year-old daughter, Samantha. "Now that they finally came out with a rating, I'm probably going to have to go everywhere with her now. Who knows what she may face out there?"
The impact that everyday life has had on today's culture, especially the youth, is not hard to see, Lycman said. "Teen sex is rampant in our high schools and college campuses everywhere," said Lycman. "drugs have had a devastating imapct on much of the population, and all one must do is turn on the news to see the violence that happens today as an effect of the violent content of everyday life."
Although life has been deemed appropriate with parental supervision for those under 13, some parents have expressed caution in what their children see. "I don't want my kids exposed to that," 53-year-old mother Patricia Felton said before brutally beating her tween daughters in an attempt to discourage their interest in experiencing life.
When informed of the acts of Felton and other parents, Lycman said, "Well, if that's true, that may raise the objectionable content level in life to an R."
"We judged everyday life by the same criteria we do all our other reviewed media," MPAA spokesman Antonio Lycman said. "We came to the conclusion that parental supervision is strongly suggested for living children under 13."
Some of the objectionable content leading to the rating are "strong violence, intense sequences of horror and terror, gore, sexual content, nudity, innuendo, crude humor, drug use, teenage drinking, fantasy/cartton violence, strong language, sexual references, tobacco use, drinking, teen sex, intense action violence,
and smoking.""There are long, intense sequences of violence in life," Lycman stated.
"Not only that, but drug use and sex were both heavily present in life."
Asked why the popular for of existence did not receive an R rating, Lycman said,
"We feel that would have been inappropriate. We can't not allow children under 17 into life. It would be highly impractical."
The announcement has had a profound impact on parents and family life around the nation. "I used to just let my daughter go to school alone every day, without my supervision," 43-year-old Todd Blackman said of his 8-year-old daughter, Samantha. "Now that they finally came out with a rating, I'm probably going to have to go everywhere with her now. Who knows what she may face out there?"
The impact that everyday life has had on today's culture, especially the youth, is not hard to see, Lycman said. "Teen sex is rampant in our high schools and college campuses everywhere," said Lycman. "drugs have had a devastating imapct on much of the population, and all one must do is turn on the news to see the violence that happens today as an effect of the violent content of everyday life."
Although life has been deemed appropriate with parental supervision for those under 13, some parents have expressed caution in what their children see. "I don't want my kids exposed to that," 53-year-old mother Patricia Felton said before brutally beating her tween daughters in an attempt to discourage their interest in experiencing life.
When informed of the acts of Felton and other parents, Lycman said, "Well, if that's true, that may raise the objectionable content level in life to an R."
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