Area Third-Grader Wins Coolest Ruler Ever At Chuck E. Cheese's

EVANSVILLE, IN- After a long day of playing arcade games, are third-grader Ryan McKenzie used his hard-earned tickets to purchase what he described as the "coolest ruler ever." The ruler, which cost 250 tickets, features a purple, sparkly design, with a yellow sticker imprinted with the Chuck E. Cheese's logo and a picture of Chuck E. himself in the center. "Awesome!" he said after receiving the object. "This is so cool!" He also earned enough tickets to buy two packs of Smarties, an "awesome spider ring," and stickers. As of press time, maternal sources claim that McKenzie will just end up "selling (the ruler) in a yard sale or something."

Reports: Internet Explorer Cannot Display the Webpage

INTERNET EXPLORER LAND, CYBERWORLD- According to computer-screen reports, Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage. "What do you mean you can't display the webpage?" area internet-surfer Don Raglesby said. "You display it every other time. Stupid friggin' thing."

The reports, which came after Raglesby attempted to visit a website he goes to "all the friggin' time," seemed to annoy Raglesby very much. "What the heck is this?" he said. "Man, I always go to this site! This is bullcrap!"

Even after Raglesby's "50th freakin' time" of reloading the webpage, the graphic still appeared on his screen. "This is stupid," he said. "What a load of bullcrap."

According to the reports, the most likely causes of the failure to display the webpage include not being connected to the internet, the website encountering problems, or a possible typing error in the address. As of press time, Raglesby does "not even freakin' plan to diagnose [his] stupid connection problems."

New President To Solve All Of Nation's Problems

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY- Joy is the mood of the times here in the U.S., as the new president-elect Barack Obama is reportedly going to solve all of the nation's problems by himself and make the U.S. a joyous utopia of happiness and prosperity. "Obama's gonna help pay off my mortgage, and my car, and take care of my babies, and everything!" said Angela Smith, 26. "This is the best moment of my life!"

In addition to solving the nation's economic crises, the new president is also expected to end the war in peace, capture Osama Bin Laden, bring our troops back home safely, fix Social Security, improve our nation's schools, bring an end to war and violence in general, and eradicate racism forever. "I can't wait for Obama to take office," said Pittsburgh-area man Joe Libtenkoff, 29. "He's gonna solve all of my problems." Lincoln, Nebraska native Judith Hormonie, 32, also echoed similar sentiments. "Obama's gonna help pay my mortgage, get my children better education, pay off my car, bring my son back from the war, give me a raise, lower gas prices, help me clean up around the house, improve my marriage, walk my dog, feed my baby, improve my sex life, clean my house, and wash the car," he said. "And the bathroom could use some cleaning. I can't wait for this great man to become president."

Perhaps Los Angeles-area woman Rianna Richardson said it best: "Oh my gosh! I love him! I LOVE HIM!!! Obama is so amazing! I'm so glad he's finally president! Oh, wow!!! (sniff) Oh, thank the Lord! This is the happiest moment of my life! Oh, thank you, Obama, so much for coming here! Oh, thank you! Thank you!" she said as she broke into tears and dropped to her knees in joy. "I love you, Obama! I LOVE YOU!!!"

Man Who Used To Stare At Sun Now Mysteriously Blind

PHILADELPHIA, PA- Area man Rick Schefske, 43, who used to make it a point to stare at the sun for minutes at a time daily, has now mysteriously been declared legally blind in the middle of his life. "This comes as a surprise to me," said James Newfolk, PhD, who ran studies on the man. "Rarely do people go blind in the middle of their life for no reason."

According to his family, Schefske would routinely stare at the sun for minutes, sometimes even hours, on end. "He loved to admire the beauty of God's creation," his father, Ryan, said. "Especially by staring for hours on end at a bright heavenly body. It's too bad he won't be able to see the sun again. He loved to just sit there and stare."

"I remember one time when he was 7," his mother, Patricia, commented. "He had just ended another one of his going-out-and-staring-at-the-sun sessions, and he comes back inside and says, 'Mommy, I think my corneas are being directly melted out of my skull.' Ha! What a kidder."

Schefske said that before he went blind, he had had dark spots in his vision in the exact location where the sun had hit his line of sight. "Ever since I can remember, they had always been there," he said of the spots. "Whenever I turned away from the sun, it was like I was still looking at it. These spots were in the exact same spot that the sun had been in my line of vision. Also the same shape as I saw the sun. I remember thinking that was a strange coincidence."

When asked for their opinion on why their son went blind, Schefske's parents were clueless. "I really don't know," his father said. "I really don't know why he went blind. It's just kind of a mystery."

"My great-great-great grandfather was blind in his left eye," Patricia said. "Maybe that has something to do with it."

After extensive studies on the man, scientists suspect that his habit of openly gawking at the sun may have had some part in his going blind. "Basically, the only thing we can find, besides a weak genetic link, is his habit of just staring at the sun," Newfolk said. "But, honestly, we think it has more to do with genetics."

Although the cause has not yet been found, many scientists are warning against staring at the sun for the time being. "We think it may have a weak connection to blindness," said Dr. Evan McGregor, PhD, or Princeton University. "Although there would seem to be no clear link between sitting down and staring at a brightly burning heavenly body for hours at a time and eventual blindness later in life, we seem to have found a small connection. The public may want to hold off on the sun-gazing for now, while we research this."

Have You Ever Noticed How F@#!in' D#@! Sonuva B!@$# S#!!?

by Chad Jacobs

Tourette's Sufferer

I'm a normal guy. D@#n it! I'm okay when it comes to those d@#n motherf@ckers! But one thing really catches my attention. Haven't you seen how these people live? Again, let me repeat this: Have you ever noticed how f@#!in d#@! sonuva B!@$# S#!!?

Just the other day, I was walking down the road, when motherf#cker, you f#cking b@$!ard s#@t hole f@#ker! F@#!! Then, I saw this other guy, and he was all, "S#!t! Motherf@cking f@cker a$$ b@$!ard f@ck! S#it! F@ck!" When I came with him, he said, F@CCCKKK!!! And holy s#@t piece of s#@t motherfuc$er! S##t! F@ck! He told me I had to f@ck s#it piece of f@ck!

Now, normally, I'm a reasonable guy. But his was just too much. I mean, you know? Holy s@#t-f@$!er! But when I realized he wanted f@$k-@$s b@$tard f@$k!, how could I honestly holy f@ck! I wanted to talk to my sister about it, but how could I? She wouldn't stand for this s@#t piece of s@#t f@cker s@#t!

Now, holy living s@#t f@ck! Godd@#n f@ck s#!t f#!k s#!t! Da#n! Fuc#er f@ck! S#it fuc#! And then, when he told me, s@## holy f#cking s@it f@ck @s#-hole f#ck! So I told him I would not stand for this. And you know what he said to me? Holy s@#t f@ck! He told me he wanted to f@ck off, b@$t#rds f@ck!

And it's not just him! It's everyone like that! They're always, holy s#it, man! F@CK! And I'm always right, too! But no, they just go on and on. F@CK S#IT PIECE OF F@CK G@DD@MN MOTHERF#CKER F@CK S!IT F@CK!

So, in conclusion, people really need to lighten up. Why don't they? It makes no sense! But seriously. HOLY F@CK S#IT F#CK D@MN MOTHERF@CK S#IT F#CK D@MN MOTHERF@CK S#IT B!@CH A$S HOLE F@CK B!@CH S#IT F@CK! HOLY F@CKIN SH@T F@CK! F@CK F#CK F!CK F$CK F?CK F@CK SHI@ F#CCCKKK!

Special Ed Teacher Tired of Working With These Retards

ATLANTA, GA- Special ed teacher Lola Dickinson, 43, is reportedly tired of working with "all these stupid retards." "I used to have a passion for helping special ed kids learn," Dickinson said. "But now, they just get on my freakin' nerves! Gosh!"
One of the reasons cited for Dickinson's disillusionment with the children was their inability to grasp simple intellectual concepts. "It's like, c'mon, 2+2=7? What the heck is that?," she said. She was also upset over their "complete childishness." "They always goof off in class and stuff, showing everybody the paper duck they made that looks more like a freakin' chainsaw or something," she said. "No wonder you're so stupid. Gosh, I can't deal with that."
Also cited were the kids just being "plain stupid." "There'll always be at least one comin' in here with a raincoat on when it's 75 and sunny," she said. "What the heck? And as if that weren't bad enough, they always wear bike helmets and crap, even when they ride the bus. I mean, seriously, what's with that? They've got problems."
According to Dickinson, the last straw came when her student, Joey, 15, came to class with his shirt on backwards and his boxers on his head, singing 'Take Me Out To The Ballgame." "I mean, seriously, why do you have your underwear on your head? C'mon! What the heck?"
Dickinson said she plans to quit her job teaching at Central High School by the beginning of the next school year, if those stupid retards don't kill her by then.

Ask A Struggling Stand-Up Comedian

by Ron Davie

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

My dad just had a messy divorce. He seems really down right now. I don't think I've ever seen him like this! I don't like it. How can I lift his spirits a little?

- Concerned in Carolina

Dear Concerned,

How y'all doin' tonight? Good? Good, good. How about that weather, huh? What is it with weather, anyway? I mean, it's like stuff that comes out of the sky! I mean, think about it! It's just kinda weird, you know? I mean, it's... yeah. (Clears throat). So, um, what about that movie?

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

I have a friend whom I like as a person very much. However, he seems to think that something more is going on between us. How can I get him to realize that I just want to be friends without hurting his feelings?

-Just A Friend in Jacksonville

Dear Just,

So what's the deal with airline food? I mean, it's just normal peanuts with the word, 'Southwest', on the bag. It's kinda funny when you think about it. I mean, it's just... No? Okay, um... Well, what about those Democrats? I mean, what the heck? Umm... yeah.

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

I love my boyfriend, but I'm confused. He wants to have sex, but I wanted to save it for marriage. Should I get into bed with him? Or should I call the relationship off?

-Torn in Toledo

Dear Torn,

So I was walkin' down the street today, and I saw this man. And this man, he had a shirt on. Yeah, good thing he had a shirt on, right? But no, he had a shirt on that said, 'Vote for Pedro.' And I'm just standin' there, thinkin', "Who's this Pedro dude? Didn't we already have the elections? And I thought it was between Barack and John. Is this some kind of third-party dude? And is he from Mexico?" You know? Cuz I didn't know what his shirt meant. Yeah.

Dear Struggling Stand-Up Comedian,

Ever since I've moved out, my dad has called me about three times a day! He always wants to go out to eat or wants to check on me or something. I appreciate that he's concerned about me, but he's being too overprotective! How can I let him know this without hurting his feelings?

-Wanting Independence in Washington

Dear Wanting,

Wait! Where is everybody going? Why are you leaving? No, wait! Don't leave! Come back! Wait! No! Wait! Um, ha... I'll be in Cleveland next we- hey! Why are you throwing tomatoes at me? Wait! No! Please! Wait!

Ron Davie is a struggling stand-up comedian whose weekly advice column, Ask A Struggling Stand-Up Comedian, runs in over 700 million newspapers nationwide.

Poor Movie Review Manipulated To Sound Like Good Movie Review

LOS ANGELES, CA- A poor movie review for the upcoming film, "Punisher: War Zone", was manipulated by advertising executives at Lions Gate Films to sound like a positive movie review in the films' new trailers.

"This movie lacks the original qualities and exciting, pulse-pounding action needed to create a first-rate action film," a review by Variety's Todd McCarthy read. "Overall, it's just not very exciting! Do not waste your money on this film. It certainly does not deserve my five stars! Or my two thumbs up! The new ads feature snippets of McCarthy's review that some claim are taken out of context. The series of 30-second spots includes such quotes as, "original," "exciting, pulse-pounding action," "a first-rate action film," "it's... very exciting!", "Do... this film," "five stars!", and "two thumbs up!" After seeing how the ad execs had deliberately misquoted him, McCarthy said, "This is not right! How can they do this? I never said that! It's not in the right context!" Executives for Lions Gate Films thanked McCarthy for his support of their commercials, as they thought he said, "This is... right! I... said that! It's... in the right context!"

Everything Always About Area Man

WALLA WALLA, WA- According to reports from his wife, Aneta, everything is always about area man David Wrinkleshtien. "Everything's always about you," she said. "Why can't you think of somebody else for a change?"
The report came when the couple was looking for a restaurant to eat out at Thursday night, when Aneta proposed that they go to Freddy's Pizza Parlor. David countered, however, with his preference of The Meat Shack, claiming he "liked it better." After hearing David's case for eating at The Meat Shack, Aneta informed him of the always-about-himself status of everything. "That is so typical of him," she said later. "It's always, 'me,me,me,me,me!', with him. I mean, I'm not sayin' it should always be about me, but c'mon. He always chooses where we go to eat. He always chooses the color car we buy. He always chooses everything! Why can't it be about me every once in a while?"
After being charged with only thinking of himself, David shot back, "Why can't you vacuum the downstairs every once in a while? Huh?" The night ended with an awkward dining-out at The Meat Shack.

Area Man Recognizes Alteril Infomercial Guy From Extenze Infomercial

NASHVILLE, TN- Area man John Hedgecock, 43, recognized the guy from an infomercial for the sleep-aid Alteril today from the infomercial for a male-growth pill called Extenze. "I've seen that guy somewhere," Hedgecock thought to himself, as he tried to remember from what other cheap daytime/late-night paid programming he had seen the dude. "I know I've seen that guy before!"
According to reports, it took Hedgecock nearly five seconds to recall seeing the guy in an infomercial he had seen in a long night of flipping through the channels. "I remember seeing that infomercial now," he said. "It was kinda gross."
As of press time, the man is unidentified, but it is widely believed that the poor sap really needs to get a life.

Thanksgiving Parade Float Worker Cannot Believe She is Doing This

NEW YORK, NY- Area woman Janet Turnsten, 39, who signed up to work a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float, cannot believe she is actually doing this right now. "Oh my gosh," she thought to herself, as she helped keep a Santa statue erect while wearing a Christmas tree outfit and half-heartedly waving to spectators. "On national television. Holy crap. I look like a freaking idiot. What was I thinking?" Turnsten also added that if she ever even thinks of doing something like this again, whoever's around at the time should just go ahead and shoot her right there.

Not Sure What Else To Do, Area Man Eats

MARIETTA, GA- During a moment of boredom today, area man Ryan Ricklesby decided to eat. "It's Thanksgiving, right?" he said. "I wouldn't want to let it pass me by without chowing down!" Ricklesby also plans to eat a piece of pumpkin pie later on tonight that he will not even be hungry for.

Watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV Highlight of Area Man's Year

DOVER, DE- Watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV is the best highlight of area man Dave Dorschke's year so far. "I love the parade," Dorschke, 29, said today as he grabbed a tub of popcorn, plopped down on the couch, and watched the parade without any family or friends, since he has no friends. "Wow, look at that."
The parade beat out other moments that most would consider barely memorable, including his high school reunion, watching the "New Year's Rockin' Eve" on TV, and that one episode of David Letterman with that guy who does the celebrity impersonations really good. "This is great," he said as he watched the M&M's float pass by. "I couldn't wish for anything better."
Although he had a great time watching the parade, Dorschke said that "that one time last year when I watched 'A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving'? Man, that was even better."

'Dora the Explorer' Balloon Comes Alive and Eats Everyone in Sight

NEW YORK, NY- Tragedy struck the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this morning, as the 'Dora the Explorer' balloon suddenly and without warning came to life and devoured everyone in sight. "It was horrible," said balloon-handler Dan Founchep, 33, who managed to escape. "It- it just- it just killed everything... oh gosh."

The incident occurred around 9:15 central time, as the balloon was making its way past ESPNzone. The day had gone just as planned previously, until, when no one was looking, the balloon turned on its handlers and ate them all, save Founchep. It then reared its blood-thirsty head over to the crowd, which was in a panic by this time. The creature walked slowly over to the crowd and hand-picked certain observers to eat, focusing especially on the children who had so eagerly supported it before. "I AM DORA!!" the monster shouted as it threw a handful of screaming five-year-olds into its mouth. "NO ONE SHALL STOP ME!!! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

After seeing their companion turn like this, numerous balloon-characters stepped in to intervene, including Barney, who attempted to reason with it through an "I Love You" song, the Energizer bunny, who smashed it on the head with its drumsticks, and Ronald McDonald, who offered a lifetime supply of Happy Meals if she would end her rampage. Most notable of the attempts to stop her, however, was that of Buzz Lightyear, who almost took out the beast, had Dora's evil sidekick, Backpack, not intervened to stop the crime-fighter. Pikachu and Charlie Brown also stepped in, but only to aid the adventurer in her reign of terror.

After its fellow balloons' failed attempts to stop her, NYPD groups and SWAT teams were brought in to tranquilize the overgrown beast, ending the ruckus. "This is the greatest tragedy to hit New York since 9/11," NYPD police officer Michael Ricardo said. "I'm just glad it didn't escalate to something bigger."

Area Woman Panics After Getting Fingers Stuck in Chinese Finger Trap

JACKSONVILLE, FL- Area woman Janice Turnpike, 39, panicked today after getting her fingers stuck in a Chinese finger trap. "I don't know why I keep using those things," she said. "Every time, I get my finger stuck and I always think I'll never get it out." According to household reports, Turnpike panicked for minutes after struggling to get her finger free. "She was runnin' all around, sayin' she'll never use her fingers again," said husband David. "She kept sayin' they would have to amputate her fingers and stuff."

Turnpike reportedly found the finger trap in her toddler's playthings, then proceeded to put it on. After applying the device, she tried to remove it, a task which she apparently could not do. "Man, I was so freaked out," she said. After several minutes of attempting to take it off without assistance, she reportedly got nervous and attempted to run hot water over it. "I put my hand under the sink, and turned it on," she commented. "It works with pickle jars. I thought it might work." After her attempt failed, she reportedly whispered, "Holy crap," as she came to a supposed realization that this could be the end for her index fingers. She then reached for the scissors, but remembered that she couldn't cut it, since her fingers were in there. After realizing her desperate state, she began banging her hands against the counter top in a futile attempt to break the toy. Several minutes later, her hair ruffled and her eyes bloodshot, she curled up into a ball on the kitchen floor and started crying. "WHYYY?!?!" she shouted, as she promised herself never to use one of the contraptions again. "Why did I put that on? WHY!?" Her husband came downstairs after hearing her pleas. He then proceeded to show her the proper way of removing it. "Oh, David!" she said in a grateful show of emotion. "Thank you! I'm so glad I didn't have to cut my fingers off!"

After the "most harrowing seven minutes" of her life, Turnpike had this to say: "I'm just glad I can actually use my fingers still. At least I didn't have to resort to stomping on my own hand or putting it in a blender or something."

No News Today

ALL OVER THE WORLD- We're sorry, but unfortunately no newsworthy or especially relevant events have taken place in the past 24 hours anywhere across the globe. That's right- no wars, no new presidential cabinet selections, no new groundbreaking studies, no amazing discoveries, nd no special celebrity appearances on Saturday Night Live. "Nothing has really happened around here," said Stanford scientist Dr. Evan H. McGregor, PhD.

When contacted for information on new developments in his life after the presidential campaign, former candidate Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) relied, "Well, I tried those new foot pads my doctor gave me. But that's about it. Oh, I also forgot to take my medicine yesterday."

Even in the sports world, things seem to remain constant and unsurprising. Alabama (for some reason) is still No. 1 in the college football AP poll, asm well as the BCS standings. There have been no major upsets in recent weeks, and the polls ahve remained largely the same. Oh yeah, and the Titans are still undefeated.

So, yeah, other than that, nothin' really happened today. Soooo... (cough). Yeah. Um.... I don't really have anything else to say. So yeah. How are things with you? How's the move going? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And the parents? Mm-hmm. So the dog's doing well. How 'bout this weather, huh? Yeah, man. You're tellin' me. Yeah... so, yeah. Huh, you can say that again.

We regret not being able to bring you any news today. Please forgive us for letting this uneventful day pass by. So, anyway, to make it up to you, here's this thing. Isn't it cute??

Point/Counterpoint

Point


I Bet I Could Sex Her Up Real Good


by Jay Morelli





Ooooo, check out that as#! Uh, I could have a lot of fun with her, if you know what I mean. Mmmm, look at that! I know what I would do if I got that as# to myself. Mmmm, da#n! I wish I could get my eyes on those boobies! I bet she's so horny right now... Mmm, what I would do with her in bed... wow.


I could have a lot of fun with her! Hours and hours of wild, crazy f@#$ing, just me and her, together. Mmm, gimme somea that!


I mean, just look at that a$s! Wow! I could give her all the pleasure she wants! Mmm, that's the kind of girl I could picture myself goin' at it all night with...





Counterpoint


He Looks Like The Man I Could Spend The Rest of My Life With


by Audrey Mariel





Ooooo, check out that face! That's the kind of looks I'm lookin' for in a man! I could have a lotta fun with him after dating for five months, getting married, and considering our future and financial stability together, if you know what I mean.


Mmmm, look at that! I know that he looks like the kind of responsible, trustworthy man I could buy a house, start a family and spend the rest of my life with! Dang! I wish I could get my eyes on his body, after courting and getting married, that is. I bet he's so eager to start a family right now... Wow, the parenting team we would make... mmm.


I could have a great future with him! Years and years of great, amazing marital faithfulness, just me and him. Wow, give me some of that!


I mean, just look at that cool, calm demeanor! Wow! He's just the type of emotionally stable man I could use in my life! I bet he could give me all the emotional stability I need to balance myself out! Wow, that's the kind of man I could picture myself asking out on a date, going out for six months with, getting married to, buying a house with, starting a family with, and spending the rest of my life with...

Under Racial Pressure, Redskins Change Name To 'Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen'

WASHINGTON, DC- The Washington Redskins have just announced today that, due to growing pressure from racial equality groups, they have changed their name to the Washington Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen.

"The Washington Redskins have officially changed their name to Washington Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen," Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen Owner Dan Snyder said. "We felt this was the right thing to do, and we shouldn't put it off anymore."

The Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen had come under fire from racial equality groups in recent years, and the pressure had only gotten worse the past two years. In 2006, the National Association for Indian Rights (NAIR) protested the team's former name. "This is a disgusting misrepresentation of the Native American people," NAIR President Tom Martin said of the team's former name at the time. When the team ignored the NAIR's complaints, they decided to boycott the Redskins' games for the 2007 season. However, this did not have much of an effect.

"To be honest, we just wanted those m@#!?!#@!kers out of our hair," Snyder said. "I'm glad we can move on now."

When informed of the team's new nickname, Martin said, "WHAT?!" and beat the reporters away with a shovel.

Ask A First Grade Teacher

by Miss Robinson

Dear First Grade Teacher,

My husband is driving me nuts! Whenever I get dinner ready at 5:00, he's not there to eat what I've been slaving away at all day. Whenever we make plans to go out, he calls me saying he's got to postpone because he's going to be home late. And whenever he is around, all he wants to do is watch TV! He never wants to spend time with me! How can I get him to notice me?

-Frustrated in Ft. Lauderdale

Dear Frustrated,

Okay, class: 9+9 is what? Jimmy? What was that? Noo, not seventeen. You're close, though! Melissa! Uuu, so close! Johnny? Yes, that's right! Good job, Johnny! Now, who can tell me what this is? Jessy! Yes! Alright, Jessy! Way to go! I think she deserves a sticker for that, what do you think, class? Here you go, Jessy! Way to go! Alright, who can solve this one? Anybody? Drew! What was that? Oh, so close! Jake! Yeah! Good job!

Dear First Grade Teacher,

I love my friend a lot. But he just doesn't seem to understand that I need some personal space! Whenever I'm at home, he calls, asking if he can come over. Whenever we're at work, he tries to talk to me all day. I really like him as a friend. He's a cool guy. But how can I get him to understand that I can't talk to him all the time?

-Overwhelmed in Oshkosh

Dear Overwhelmed,

Okay! On to spelling! Who can tell me how to spell the word, 'dog?' Jimmy? No, not an a... Leslie! Yes, that's right! Okay! What about 'zebra?' Tommy! Alright! Yeah! Okay, here's a toughie: spell 'water!' Jimmy? Uu, almost! There's no i! Try again? Yeah! Good job! High five! Okay, on to another word... let's see here, 'car!' Joshua! That's right! You're so good!

Dear First Grade Teacher,

My boyfriend and I love each other very much. We were trying to resist the temptation to have sex before marriage. Unfortunately, we had a breakdown one day and failed to stay abstinent. Now I'm pregnant! Should we go ahead and get married? Or should we take our time?

- Surprised in Sycamore

Dear Surprised,

Okay, time for recess! Who's our line-leader today? Let's see... Jimmy! Alright, Jimmy, c'mon up here... What's that? No, you were the line-leader last week, Merissa. It's Jimmy's turn this week. I know, I know... you'll get another chance later on. Don't worry. Hey, you know what? You can be second in line! How's that sound? Huh? Yeah, get up there! Alright, has everybody got their snacks together? Oh, does anybody have an extra snack to loan Tommy? Anybody wanna share? Hmm? Awww, look at that!

Dear First Grade Teacher,

My parents are always coming over! No matter whether I invite them or not, they just seem to pop up at our house whenever they feel like it! I love my parents, but I'm a 43-year-old woman! It's getting almost unbearable. I can't stand it anymore? What do I tell them?

- Fed Up in Fargo

Dear Fed Up,

Oh, Johnny, don't do that! No, don't jump off the swing like that! You could hurt yourself! Next time, just get off, okay? Thank you. I don't want you getting hurt! Joey, why are you crying? What's that? Hang on, hang on... okay now, slow down and tell me what happened. Why did he do that? Timmy! Come here, please! Why did you push Joey off the monkeybars? Why couldn't you ask him to move? Next time, just ask him, okay? He got hurt, okay? We don't want him getting hurt! Okay, you two go play!

Miss Robinson is a North Dakota first grade teacher whose advice column, Ask a First Grade Teacher, runs in over 700 million newspapers nationwide.

Area Fifth-Grader Repeats Word 'Sucks' Ten Times Just So People Will Notice

MEMPHIS, TN- Area fifth-grader Joey Backhouse, 11, repeated the word 'sucks' 10 times in a span of two minutes today, just so people would hear his mention of the word 'sucks.' "That sucks," the boy said, after hearing of his friend's bad weekend. After no one else on the playground seemed to hear him, he repeated the phrase again, more quietly. After still receiving no noticeable attention, Backhouse said, "That really sucks!" He then reportedly kept revising his statement and repeating it over and over until he concluded that no one was going to pay attention.
"Apparently, this was a desperate plea for attention," said Jon Whittenhouse, PhD., author of the parenting book, 'The Need For Cool: Why Your Child Needs Peer Acceptance and Why They Will Shout Anything To Get It.' "It seems as though Joey just wanted to seem 'cool' by the use of a 'big-kid' word. Unfortunately, he failed."

Area Philosophy Teacher Announces Plans To Be A Complete @$$hole

BROOKLYN, NY- Area philosophy teacher Nate Riverline, 29, announced his plans today to be a complete @$$hole during class. "Yeah, I'm gonna talk about Plato's influences on today's modern mindset," the complete jerk said. "Then I'll probably go off into Aristotle's categories of rhetoric." Area college student Joe Vonnewfritz, 20, who attends Riverline's class at Brooklyn Community College, protested the decision. "That guy's a complete @$$hole," he said. "I only signed up for that class because I had to. He's such a condescending jerk." The complete butthole also announced plans to keep on being a complete butthole for the rest of his life.

Apocalypse Area Necrophiliac's Greatest Fantasy

OMAHA, NE- According to area necrophiliac Jeremy Greene, 36, the Apocalypse would be his ultimate sexual fantasy. "Man, the Apocalypse... that would be awesome," he said, as he was vigorously masturbating. The Apocalypse, in which Greene believes that the dead will be raised, cannot come soon enough for him. "Man, just think of all those hot dead bodies walking around! Ugh, man!" As of press time, none of Greene's three friends could ever understand "why he gets hot about zombies."

What Do You Think Area Father Is, Made of Money?

BOISE, ID- According to reports, what do you think area father is, made of money? "What do you think I am, made of money?" said area father John Smith when his daughter asked him for cash to go to the movies. The report also stated that maybe she should use her own money, since she has that job. By the way, did she pay area father back?, the report asked. According to previous reports, trees do not grow money, and if you only have ten dollars left, maybe you should skip the Ferris wheel.

Man With Black Mask Wanted For Local Crime

BRONX, NY- A man with a black mask is wanted for a local crime today. The man, who is unidentified, was seen by eyewitnesses wearing all black and carrying a gun. According to authorities, the man is 5'0"- 6'11", aged 20-50, and either has black, brown or blonde hair. "He has blue eyes," local police officer Don Blaylock said. "Or maybe they're green. I don't know." The man, or maybe it's a woman, has reportedly been seen all around the country, including at a gas station robbery in Des Moines, a theft in Philadelphia, a murder in New York, a shoplifting incident in Nashville, an armed assault in Atlanta, grand theft auto in Los Angeles, drug possession in Knoxville, robbery in Seattle, threatened bombing in Birmingham, murder in New Orleans, assault and battery in San Francisco, armed robbery in Detroit, resisting arrest in Providence, attempted assassination in Dallas, and drug possession in Louisville.

Area Packrat Might Need That Later

DETROIT, MI- Area packrat Ryan Stewart, 35, stopped you from throwing away that thing in your garage today, claiming he may need it later. "I might need that sometime down the road," said Stewart, who keeps every newspaper, receipt, and piece of junk mail he has received in the last year in a pile at his house. In addition, he also has a stack of every science test and quiz he has taken since seventh grade in his closet. Although you see no possible use for the object, or his stash of old gum wrappers, you gave it to him anyway, claiming, "Okay, whatever."

AREA TEEN FOUND GUILTY OF DISCUSSING ACT ESSAY TOPIC WITH FRIEND

PROVIDENCE, RI- Local teen Jake Houshmeier, 16, was found guilty today of discussing the ACT essay topic with a friend, sources reported.

The decision was made after a series of court appearances and appeals, which eventually led to the Supreme Court's trial.

According to reports, Jake was "hanging out" with his friend, Blake, on Saturday after taking the ACT standardized test. The two were watching football, and Blake asked him how the test went. "Oh, it was okay, I guess," Houshmeier responded. "It was pretty easy. Just kinda boring. The essay topic was stupid, though. It was -----------------------------------------."

After local authorities gained awareness of the incident later that day, they reported it to the ACT headquarters in Iowa. Not only was Houshmeier arrested the next day, but legal action was brought against him by the higher-ups at the ACT company. "We cannot have public knowledge of confidential information like this just floating around everywhere," said an ACT spokesperson, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "What are they going to do next? Discuss the details of the social sciences section?" He then shuttered in horror.

According to Riverside High School teacher Mrs. Bonworth, who administered Houshmeier the test, Jake had been informed that "you can't discuss the details of the test. Please. Really. It's prohibited. It's really, really not good," before taking the test. "I did all I could," said Bonworth. "I'm just sorry he had to go and do this."

When informed of the incident, Jake's friend Jonathan replied, "Jake did this? Ooooo. Busted." Jake's ex-girlfriend, Melanie, replied, "Good. Finally got what he deserves." His other friend, Ryan, said, " Ooo, dang. He is so grounded."

Houshmeier is scheduled to be on Death Row starting tomorrow. His death by lethal injection is expected to come within ten days.

No One In Crowd Admits To Thinking of Chanting, "Airball!"

SPRINGFIELD, IL- Fans at a local middle-school-league basketball game were all reluctant to admit that they had thought briefly of chanting, "airball!", when a shot by Lion Heart Academy eighth-grader Jeremy Fintas missed the net entirely. The shot, which came in a game played against the New Found Christian Academy, caused fleeting thoughts of possibly shaming the 13-year-old by pointing out his shortcomings in a loud, mocking tone to appear in the New Found fans' minds. After the shot flew past the net and out of bounds, the brief thought of chanting the word popped up in the minds of every New Found parent and student in attendance, although it never came to fruition. The thought was also not spoken of whatsoever until one man mentioned it after the game, although there was an awkward unspoken understanding that they had all contemplated the shameful act. "I mean, c'mon, people, everybody knows you thought about it," said Jon Evans, parent of New Found player Rodney Evans. "Yeah. I thought about it. But c'mon, we all did."

Nation Wakes Up From Dream

UNITED STATES- The nation woke up today from a dream that had been continuing for several months now. Among other things, the dream included an economic crisis, the Phillies winning the World Series, and, in a grand finale, a black man being elected President of the United Sates. "Man, that dream was really freaky," US citizen Donald Trefino said. "I'm glad none of that stuff really happened."

The dream started with the warning signs of an economic crisis. After the stock market suffered intense losses, numerous other strange events happened, including the Tampa Bay Rays making it to the World Series, the Tennessee Titans going 9-0, and a climactic victory in the presidential election by Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL). "That was the scariest part," Maryland resident Dwight Patrick said, referring to the victory by Obama.

It only got weirder after the stock market collapse. The Tampa Bay Rays, who entered this season with an overall win-loss record of 645-972 in 10 seasons, made it to their first-ever World Series in the dream. Not only that, but the Phillies, who have not won the Series in 28 years, reached the Series and triumphed over the Rays. The Titans started 9-0, a feat that many football fans did not expect. "That part really weirded me out," said ESPN football analyst Ron Jaworski.

Finally, in a dramatic conclusion, a black man was elected President of the United States of America. Shortly after this was announced, the nation woke up from its horrific nightmare. "They announced the president, and then all of a sudden I jolted awake," said Phoenix, AZ resident Martha Butenhauer. "Then I realized it was all just a dream. Wooo, what a relief!"

After the nation woke up at 4 a.m. on Thursday morning, it checked its alarm clock. "What time is it?" said the country as it simultaneously checked the date and the time. It then turned on the TV to see if the dream's events had really happened. "Man, I'm glad that was just a dream," it said, after learning that everything was okay. "That was really weird."

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Stem-Cell Research Okayed By Bush- 'You Haven't Lived 'Til You've Tried this Pie," Bush Says

WASHINGTON, DC- In one of his final acts in office, President Bush lifted the limits on stem-cell research today due to his belief that life begins not at conception, but at one's first taste of his grandma's delicious apple pie.
"You haven't lived 'til you've tried this pie," said Bush, as he took a bite. "Mmmmm."
The pie, which was baked by Bush's grandmother on Monday afternoon, features what the president called a "delicious apple flavor" and "crispy texture" that is unrivaled in other pies.
In a press conference this afternoon, Bush said, "It is my firm belief that life officially begins when you try this pie. I know I've said life begins at conception, but trust me: You haven't lived 'til you've tried this pie."
The announcement was met with mixed reaction, as pro-life groups were angered and shocked, while abortion clinic workers and stem-cell researchers praised the decision. "I cannot believe President Bush would do this," Right to Life President and CEO Barbara Hessuwer said. "He's backed us up so many years, and then poof, just like that, he changes on us."
As of press time, President Bush was unable to respond to his critics, as he was washing a bite down with a "good ol' glass of milk."

New Waffle House Opens, Ushering In New Era of Mediocrity; Grossness

EVANSVILLE, IN- A new Waffle House opened here today, ushering in a new era of mediocre food and unsanitary eating conditions. "We are glad to open this new hotbed of secondhand smoke and greasy disgustingness," said Waffle House co-founder Tom Forkner in a statement released yesterday. "Waffle House is happy to bring our tradition of grease-soaked food and public smoking to the great city of Evansville."

The new Waffle House, located on 123 East Bearden Drive, is reportedly going to offer the same low-price, low-quality menu items and unbearably smoke-filled conditions that patrons have come to know and love. It is even believed that the amount of annoying houseflies flying around and landing on people's food may double in the new eatery.

Not only will the food and environment remain the same, but the restaurant is slated to offer its trademark second-class yellowish-orb lighting system. The restaurant will probably also attract the same customer base, which is largely composed of cash-strapped Southern working-class smokers in their mid-20's to 40's.

"I'm thrilled," new Waffle House waitress Anina Jacobs said. "I've already tried the chili. Lemme tell ya- it's good. Most of the time."

McCain Kind of Glad He Didn't Win

FLAGSTAFF, AZ- Former presidential candidate Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) claimed today that he was kind of glad he didn't win the election on Tuesday. Although disappointed that he did not win, McCain was reportedly relieved that he would not have "all that responsibility and stuff."
When informed of Sen. Barack Obama's win, McCain grimaced slightly, but then gave a sigh of relief. "I'm disappointed, yeah, but I'm kinda glad also," he said. "My friends, I Have dne so much for this country and I always will. But I just don't know if I could take that kind of responsibiltiy. All those people to deal with? Man!

Good luck, Obama!"

Mickey Mouse Wins Presidency In Shocking Turn of Events

WASHINGTON,DC- In a shocking turn of events, Mickey Mouse, the famous Disney character who has appeared in such films as Fantasia and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse: Mickey's Treat, received enough write-in votes to win the presidency of the United States of America early Wednesday morning.


"This is a truly shocking day in U.S. history," CNN political analyst Wolf Blitzer said. "I think I speak for everyone when I say that we did not see this coming."




Mouse will be the first-ever animated president in U.S. history, as well as the first non-human in the Oval Office. His wife and fellow mouse, Minnie, will succeed Laura Bush as first lady. When informed of the improbable win today, Mickey, who received 51% of the vote, said, "Oh boy! Really? Hot dog! C'mon, Pluto! Let's go!"




Many political analysts had expected Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) to win because of his large lead in some pre-election polls. The polls, however, did not take into account the strong affect that write-in votes can have on an election. "We tried to make our polls as accurate as possible," Blitzer said. "Unfortunately, we just didn't think of America's most famous cartoon character . Don't underestimate Mickey."




Cartoon characters around the world are hailing the results. Fellow Disney character and friend Donald Duck said, "Oh boy! Good job, Mickey!" Goofy, another friend of Mouse's, also congratulated him. But it was not only his Disney colleagues who celebrated with him. Kermit the Frog, who can be seen in the Muppets movies, claimed, "This is truly a great day." The Smurfs sang, "Mickey-ee-ee-ey! Mickey-ey Mouse!" Scooby-Doo had this to say: "Rickey Rouse? Ralright! Gro, Rickey! Roohoo!" And Spongebob Squarepants, who lives in a pineapple under the sea, exclaimed, "Alright Mickeyyy! Woo-hoo! Go Mickey! Go Mickey! Go Mickey!"




Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Obama, although disappointed, accepted the defeat with grace. "If you're gonna lose to someone, lose to Mickey Mouse, right?" McCain commented.




"I can honestly say I did not see this happening," Obama said. "My opponent (McCain) and I would, I'm sure, love to congratulate him. But why didn't I think of running an attack ad on his relationship with the 101 Dalmatians? Or how his appearance and character have changed throughout the years? Darn it!"




Obama finished second in the polls, at 30%. McCain received 18% of the vote, while other candidates, such as Jesus, Uncle Sam, Fidel Castro, 'your mom', and Ralph Nader comprised 1%.

McCain Just Realized He Might Actually Get Elected

WASHINGTON, DC- In a campaign speech yesterday, presidential candidate John McCain realized that he might actually be elected to become president of the United States of America.
"I was just giving a routine speech, and then it hit me," the senator (R-AZ) said. "I could actually become president of the United States of America. The United freakin' States!"
After he had outlined his plan on health care, the assembled crowd applauded McCain. It was in that moment, he says, that he realized what was happening.
"I just got quiet for a minute while they applauded," he said.
"As I was just standing there watching them, it just hit me- I could become the leader of the United States! I mean, do you understand that? The freakin' States!"
After the speech, McCain reportedly went into the restroom of his bus and began pacing frantically about and hyperventilating.
"Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap," he said to himself over and over while pondering the possibility that he could actually become the freakin' president.
Although he knew he could become president, McCain said he hadn't really realized exactly what he could win until now.
"I mean, yeah, I understood what I was running for," he said.
"But, I don't know... it just hadn't hit me yet, you know? I mean, the president! Do you get that? The next George Washington! I mean, do you realize who I could be following in the footsteps of here? Lincoln, Jefferson... wow. That's some seriously huge crap right there."

Area Woman Dresses Dog Up In 'Cutest Widdle Hawwoween Outfit'

BALTIMORE,MD- Area woman Melanie Cinderbright, 43, dressed her dog up today in what she called the "cutest widdle Hawwoween outfit."
"Who's a good dog?" Cinderbright asked her 2-year-old Boston terrier, Howie.
"You are! You are!"
The dressing-up was only for fitting purposes.
"I wanted to see if the widdle Dracula costume I got Howie-wowie here would fit him for the big day!" Melanie exclaimed. "He's weady for the big day, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you are!"
According to reports, Cinderbright somewhat forcefully applied the costume to the dog, who sat there stiffly, not sure what to do.
"Oooohhh, you're so cute!" she said after testing the costume out on him.
"Who's my widdle babey-wabey? You are! You are! Yes, you are! Mwaah!" she added. "Mr. Howie is weady for his big day, aren't you?" she asked the dog, who sat there blankly, licking his lips.

Guy Who Was Screaming, Peeing His Pants Five Seconds Ago 'Not Afraid'

BOSTON,MA- As he was exiting Joe's Haunted House on Friday, area man Bill Blemflu, 29, said he was "not scared" during the visit there, despite the fact that he had been screaming his head off and peeing his pants five seconds earlier.
"I wasn't scared," said Blemflu, who was clinging to his girlfriend's arm throughout the whole visit.
"Seriously, I wasn't."
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, including shaking uncontrollably, biting his lower lip, and screaming like a girl, Blemflu maintains that he was not afraid. After several minutes went by, and the group of friends he was with still did not believe him, he said, "C'mon, guys. I was only actin' scared to take your mind off things. Help you not be so tense. Help you laugh."
"Riiight," the group sarcastically said, nodding their heads and rolling their eyes.

Man With Low Self-Esteem Decides To Become A Haunted House Vampire

AUSTIN,TX- Area man Don Blackledge, 43, who has been plagued with low self-esteem and an overall shyness throughout his life, announced plans today to become a haunted house vampire.
"You know what? I think it would be real cool to dress up like that and scare people,"Blackledge, who has no social skills, said as he watched a travel channel special on Halloween attractions.
The career choice seems to be a perfect fit for Blackledge, providing him an opportunity to feel good about himself by scaring people. "It's like a high, you know? Scaring people," Blackledge said.
"Like, you have control, and they're at your mercy. It's a powerful feeling."
If he gets the job, Blackledge plans on coming home after the night shift at Ernest's Haunted Adventures and "chatting online with hot babes" under the username "ladiesman57."

Ref Obviously In Hurry To Get Game Over With

ST. LOUIS, MO- National Football League referee Ed Hochuli was obviously in a hurry to get the Dallas Cowboys-St. Louis Rams game over with earlier this week.

"C'mon, boys, let's go," he said after a Cowboys first down as he placed the ball on the field. "Let's go, c'mon. I got tons of stuff to do today."

"After, like, every first down, he would just, like, hurry us up and stuff," Cowboys tight end Jason Witten said. "He always tried to get us to go no-huddle and stuff, too. I have no idea what his hurry was."

In addition to rushing the players, Hochuli also resorted to other time-saving tactics.

"He kept trying to let the clock keep going whenever it was supposed to stop. Like whenever somebody scored a touchdown, he was just like, '(whistles)', and just did that thing with his arm signaling the time-keeper to let the clock keep running, like nobody would notice," Rams running back Steven Jackson remarked.

At the 2-minute warning, which alerts the players that there are 2 minutes remaining in the half, the clock usually stops and the teams take a timeout. However, when the clock reached 2:00 remaining in the first half, Hochuli signaled for the clock to start as the teams were headed for the sidelines.

"Hey! Where you goin'?" he said. "Forget the 2-minute warning! I got stuff to do! C'mon!"

(Needless to say, his attempt at skipping the 2-minute warning was futile.)

Hochuli also resorted to blatantly ignoring certain calls and challenges that would have led to unnecessary stoppage of game time.

"I had a pass coming right towards me," Cowboys receiver Miles Austin said. "The defender just grabbed me and all kinds of stuff. There's no question it should've been interference."

The call, however, was ignored by Hochuli.

"Aaah, uncatchable," he explained.

When Cowboys coach Wade Phillips called for a challenge on a controversial call in the third quarter, Hochuli picked up the challenge flag and handed it to Phillips, saying, "No challenges in the final half."

"That was total bullcrap," Phillips said of the incident. "I don't know what his deal was today."

When asked why he was in such a rush, Hochuli responded, "I don't know, I just had a lot of stuff to do today. You know how it is. Busy, busy, busy!"

As of press time, it is believed that Hochuli just had to go to the bathroom really, really bad.

Football Player on Away Team High-Fives Fans Just To See What They Do

MORGANTOWN, WV- After a 17-34 loss to the West Virginia Mountaineers here in Morgantown, Auburn defensive player Walter McFadden decided to join the Mountaineers in high-fiving the WVU fans "just for the heck of it."

"I don't know. I just wanted to see what they'd do," McFadden said. "I mean, yeah, I'm upset we lost and everything, but I just thought it'd be funny."

This is not the first time McFadden has taken part in another team's celebrations. In a road game in high school, he tried to pump up the visiting crowd by jumping up and down and signaling for the crowd to get louder while his team had the ball. Earlier this year, after a Southern Miss player scored a touchdown against his team, McFadden ran over to the USM mascot and did a choreographed Charleston celebration dance.

I Don't See What Black Guys See In Black Women

By Jeffrey Jacobs
White Guy

Okay, look. I'm a normal guy, right? I'm not crazy. I have good taste in the fairer sex, right? I'm down with the ladies. I like 'em. But, you see, something's kinda confusing me. The thing is- I don't see what black guys see in black women.
It's just, you know, black women just don't seem as hot to me as white or Latina or Asian women. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just me, but I just don't see it. I mean, sure, they've got big booties. But, I mean- I don't know. It's just not doin' it for me.
Now, you African-American ladies out there- don't take this as me being against you or something. I like y'all as people. It's just, when it comes to looks- you're just not hitting the spot.
And look, there are some black ladies that are hot. I mean, there are exceptions just like with any other rule. But for the most part, that's just not the case.
But I guess that's why black guys always try to get the white girls, huh? And is it just me, or do black guys always go after white girls with blonde hair? I mean, I can understand- blondes are hot. But why not brunettes? Dirty blondes? Redheads? Oh, wait- don't even get me started on redheads.

Report: 98% of Ebert & Roeper-Reviewed Movies Given Two Thumbs Up

LOS ANGELES, CA- According to a new study, 98% of the movies reviewed by film critics Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper received a "Two Thumbs Up!" rating from them.
The study, which was conducted by Stanford University, found that among the 'Two-Thumbs-Up'-rated films, 65% were action films, 15% were horror films, and 20% were comedies. Among the 2 percent of non-Two-Thumbs-Up-rated movies, 99% were rated, "Two Thumbs WAY Up!"
"I guess it makes sense," said Stanford's Barry Guy, PhD. "I mean, I've never really seen any movies that don't say, 'Two Thumbs Up!- Ebert & Roeper' on the cover. I was actually expecting the percentage to be a bit higher, to tell you the truth."

Ebert & Roeper have given this article two thumbs up.

Area Man Not Actually Going To 'See You Later'

NASHVILLE, TN- Despite assurances from area record-store clerk Don Dingle, 34, made on your way out of the store that he would "see you later," you will never see him again in your entire life.
"I've never even seen that guy before. I don't even know his name," you said.
"How am I supposed to 'see him later?'"

Report: No One Even Knew WNBA Finals Was Going On

YPSILANTI, MI- The WNBA's Detroit Shock beat the Silver Stars of San Antonio, 76-60, on Sunday, to complete a 3-0 sweep and win the WNBA Finals, an event no one even knew was going on.
"Oh, the WNBA Finals just ended," remarked Los Angeles native Bill Johnson, after seeing a headline about it on espn.com while checking his fantasy football team. "That's cool, I guess... I didn't even know they were on."
In an online poll, 79% of the voters responded to the question, "Who will win the WNBA Finals?" with, "Is that on?" 20% responded, "That's, like, hockey or something, right?" 1% said, "Ohio State."
The playoffs, which began September 18, went by largely unnoticed in the public eye. From the Silver Stars' semifinals triumph over the Sacramento Monarchs, to the New York Liberty's series win over the Connecticut Sun, sports fans around the country were too focused on college football to even be aware of the playoffs. ESPN had originally planned to air the Finals, but then decided not to, saying it would not get good enough ratings.
Part of the reason for the public's ignorance is the fact that the WNBA decided not to advertise the Finals or the playoffs.
"We just decided it wouldn't be worth it," WNBA Commissioner Donna Orender said.
"We've done that before, and we still haven't managed a blip in the ratings. We figured it wouldn't have made a difference anyway."
The Nielsen ratings were the lowest they've ever been, while attendance at the games also suffered, mostly because people didn't know there were any games to watch or go to.
"If I had known, I would have watched maybe, like, a quarter of a game or something. Maybe," Johnson said.
Orender was just happy people actually watched.
"Honestly, I'm surprised," she said. "I didn't think anybody would watch, just because they didn't even know about it."
As of press time, it is believed that the only reason people actually knew about the Finals before they were over was because they flipped by it while waiting for Matlock to come on.

Local Dentist's Office Finds Success In New "Your Teeth Are So Disgustingly Yellow And Gross It Makes Me Wanna Barf" Advertising Campaign

MONTGOMERY, AL- Locally-owned dentist's office, "Smiling Stars", has reported phenomenal increases in revenue today, following the release of its new, "Your Teeth Are So Disgustingly Yellow And Gross It Makes Me Wanna Barf", advertising campaign.
"Why didn't we think of this before?", Dr. Stan Richards, Dds, said. "We've never had this many people come in before! It's like a dream come true!"
The campaign, which features billboards boldly proclaiming, "You know what? Your teeth are so disgusting, it makes me wanna barf looking at them. It's gross. Your teeth are so yellow, I thought you had replaced them with banana peels and corn. Yeah, I can't come up with good insults. But anyway. Yeah, they're that disgusting. You should really get them checked out, because they're so gross. And your breath smells like a freakin' wet dog, you sicko. You're a total loser. You're a sicko, you freakin' weirdo. Geek," and, "Don't ever smile at me again, you freak. It's disgusting," debuted last month, and the dentist's office that produced them has already seen a 40% increase in patient enrollment.
The ad campaign also features street signs, including a yellow one that proclaims, "See the color of this sign? Yeah. That's what color your teeth are, you sicko." At the bottom, the signs and billboards tout the company's logo and phone number.
In addition to the signs, television and radio ads are also featured in the ad campaign. One such TV ad, which runs on MTV, vh1, and other youth-oriented channels, features an attractive young female, who walks on to the screen, addressing the viewer. "So you wanna have a perfect smile like Audrina Patridge or Paris Hilton?", she inquires. "You wanna have that perfect set of teeth like David Cook? Ha! Yeah, right! Have you looked in a mirror lately, you pathetic, ugly loser? You're a disgusting slob! Your teeth are so yellow, even I can tell! And I'm on the freakin' TV! Imagine how it must be for people everyday to have to stare at your disgusting mouth, you loser! You're so gross! I'm gonna barf my head off! Uuugh!" After she walks off the screen feigning barfing, the company's logo appears, while a middle-aged male voice says, "Smiling Stars. Come visit us today, because if you don't, you'll be a gross weirdo for the rest of your life. So c'mon down, you loser."
One of the radio ads also features a male voice, saying, "Are you tired of being ridiculed for your teeth? Are you tired of everyone around you being completely disgusted whenever you so much as freakin' open your dang piehole? Are you tired of those disgustingly hideous yellow chompers? Well, too bad, loser! That's your lot in life! Unless you come to 'Smiling Stars', where everyone's a star! Even gross sickos like you!"
"Why didn't we think of this before, instead of telling kids to just, like, floss and stuff?" Richards wondered.
"Whenever they were leaving, we coulda just, like, told them, 'Okay, remember... Nobody likes you, you disgusting loser. And it's all because of your horribly revolting teeth. So come back whenever you [darn] well can, you hear me, you [freakin'] loser?' Man, I can't believe we didn't think of this before."

Presidential Rally Attendees Don't Realize Question Is Rhetorical

CONCORD, NH- Attendees at a John McCain presidential rally didn't realize yesterday that most of McCain's questions during his speech didn't require an answer and were self-fulfilling in nature. When McCain asked quite thoughtfully, "Who's gonna lead the nation to prosperity again? Me or (Barack) Obama?", he was not necessarily looking for an answer. However, the crowd responded passionately, "You!" or "McCain!", quite nearly killing the atmosphere the senator had created up to that point. Later in the speech, McCain outlined his opponent, Barack Obama's, position on oil drilling, then said,"My friends, is that the kind of leadership you want in Washington?" Half of the crowd responded with a sluggish, "No," or "I dunno."
When asked about the crowd's responses yesterday, McCain said, "Well, it made it kind of awkward, you know? Like, I was trying to emphasize how much more experience I have than Obama and I was like, 'How many years has Obama been doing this?' And then, people said, like, 'eight' and stuff. Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. You kinda just ruined the whole feel of the moment, ya know? They kinda missed the point."
It is widely believed that the awkwardness of the aforementioned moments could cost McCain several million votes, effectively ending his campaign.

Area Man Forced To Cut Favorite Podcast From iTunes

HENDERSONVILLE, TN- Local man Don Carr was forced to cut his favorite podcast, "SEC Football Today," from his iTunes synchronization list today to make room for other audio and visual related media on his iPod.
"Well, I have a 4-gig, and I was downloading a bunch of stuff today," Carr said.
"It's times like this that make me wish I had an 8."
This is not the first time Carr has been forced to downsize. Last month, he had to cut an album that he barely listens to, and last week, he was forced to cut over half of his family vacation pictures from a year ago.

Area Man No Car Expert Or Anything; He's Just Saying

WICHITA, KS- According to a report made by area resident Rob Bethel, he is not a car expert or anything; he is just saying. The report came after Bethel and his friend, George Wichina, experienced engine troubles in Bethel's car on a night out. As Wichina got out of the car and attempted to fix the problem, he instructed Bethel to turn the car off. Confused, Bethel responded, "Shouldn't it be on? I mean, I'm no car expert or anything; I'm just saying." Already frustrated, Wichina then reiterated his command. "Just turn the car off or I'll stick this freakin' wire up your butt, you smarta!#."

Bill Belichick Actually Smiles

SAN FRANCISCO, CA- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick smiled for the first time in his life yesterday, after a game against the San Francisco 49ers in Candlestick Park. The historic milestone came after the conclusion of his team's 30-21 win, after wondering for several minutes what the warm, tingling feeling he was experiencing deep within him was. "I felt this...happiness," remarked Belichick, when asked of the incident. "This... this joy that I hadn't felt before," he said as his eyes teared up. "I'm sorry... I-I didn't know I was going to get so emotional... I've never felt something like this before." Belichick then reportedly began skipping cheerily through a field of colorful flowers and singing with an anthropomorphic talking sun.

Porn Star Has Trouble Explaining Birds & Bees To Child

NEW YORK, NY- Porn star Brea Bennett had trouble explaining sexual intercourse to 6-year-old Ronny Wiler, one of her many illegitimate children, today. The incident started when Wiler, who was spending the day with Bennett, inquired curiously on the origin of children. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Wiler asked. The question apparently caught Bennett off-guard. "Well, you see, sweety," she said, as she reportedly could not remember the child's first name, "when a man and a woman get really horny- er, I mean, love each other very much- they have a hot, steamy afternoon of blowjobs and gangbanging with their friends." After saying this, she realized her error. "Umm, I mean... they, um... you know?", she said as she struggled for words. "they just... umm... well, let's just say they have a hot, steamy night of sucking and f@#!ing... I mean, no... I mean they do it from behind, er... wait a minute... oh, gosh...." By this point, the boy was reportedly dazed and confused.

"Mommy, what's f@#!ing?" he asked.

"Um, well... forget I said that, honey... what they do is, they... uh, they... they... well, the woman, you see... she sucks and licks the man's hard, meaty c!ck until he cums all over her face, then she swallows his cum, and he licks her down real good, and then he sticks his d@#k in her, and they pound each other real hard, and... oh man, what am I saying? Honey, just go up to your room and play, okay?",she said, not sure what to do to make up for the vast amount of information she had just revealed to her son. "Why didn't I just tell him they come from storks or something? (Dang) it!"

Area Man Sorry For Dropping Derek Anderson

MANHATTAN, KS- Local man Dirk Vidschke was very remorseful Sunday after being forced to drop Cleveland Browns quarterback Derek Anderson from his fantasy football team's lineup due to Anderson's decline in production. "I'm sorry, Derek. It's nothing personal," Vidschke said, as he clicked the 'Drop' button next to Anderson's name. "We've had a good run, buddy. I love you. Thank you for all you've done." Vidschke then nearly shed a tear. Asked why he dropped Anderson, a tearful Vidschke responded, "(sniff) Well (sniff), Donovan McNabb's recent performance and Anderson's dropoff in recent weeks forced me to. I'm sorry, Derek! Forgive me!!!" Vidschke then slammed himself to the ground as tears flowed from his face, he tore his shirt, and shouted, "Woe is me! Forgive me! Forgive me, Derek, forgive me!!!"

Area Man Mad At Freakin' Pictures

DALLAS, TX- Area football fan Rob Jublowme was vehement today, as pictures of various products and logos of companies that sponsored the NFL on CBS directly blocked his view of the "super-hot" Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. "They were comin' back from a commercial break, and the camera was scannin' across a row of the cheerleaders on the sidelines," Jublowme recalled. "But the (dang) sponsors' pictures were coverin' up their complete and total hotness. Do they really think I would rather see that than Meghan's totally cute face? I mean, c'mon... I couldn't care less about the new Escalade hybrid." Sunday's incident is not the first time such an atrocity has happened, according to Jublowme. "The same (freakin') thing happened last week, with some stupid ad for deodorant or something. Yeah, that really makes me want to buy your product. Freakin' geniuses." Jublowme then reportedly tossed a pencil at the television.

Report: Steelers Own

PITTSBURGH, PA- According to a report made by local man Ron Turnshkey, the Pittsburgh Steelers "freakin' rock." The report, which came after a 35-7 win over their longtime rival Cleveland Browns, also went on to praise the Steelers' "rul[ing]" and "kick[ing] butt" status. "The Steelers own," Turnshkey said. In addition to Sunday's report, Turnshkey has also issued other reports on the Steelers' status in the past, which included their absolutely friggin' owning everyone in 2004 to their most awesome team ever status in 2005.

Hustle!

By Coach Jenkins

C'mon, Williams! Run!


We ain't gonna beat Richmond with that effort!


C'mon, fellas! We're goin' for state here!


Hustle,fellas,hustle!


C'mon, man! HIT! Hit 'em!


C'mon boys, hit 'em in the mouth!


Tackle 'im! C'mon, boys!


My grandma can hit better than that!


GOODWYN! Come 'ere, boy!


You can't let him get past you like that!


You gotta tackle 'em!


C'mon now! Get out there!


Let's go fellas! C'mon, now!


Let's go!!! C'mon!


We're goin' for state, fellas! We're goin' for state!


Let's go!


We gotta hit 'em out there!


RUN! Run, Williams, run!


Atta boy, Williams! There we go!


We gotta do some more of that, fellas!


Let's go!


Nice pass, Carter! Very nice!


Let's go!


Hustle, now, hustle!


Run!


We gotta give our very best now, guys!


Let's go, let's go, let's go!


Friday night, fellas!


Goin' for state!


No one gave us a chance, fellas! No one!


Let's go out there and prove 'em wrong!


C'mon, now!


We gotta hit 'em!


Hustle! Hustle, now, hustle!


C'mon!


Hurry up! Let's go, let's go, let's go!


C'mon now, guys!


We gotta hit 'em!


Hustle, now, hustle!


Alright, fellas, good!


Take a water break.


We gotta get back out there and hustle on Friday night!

Act Of 'Moving It' Enjoyed

WALLAWALLA,WA- According to a report made by moviegoer Tom Belinsky, the act of "mov[ing] it, mov[ing] it" on Tom's part is a higly pleasurable act. "I like to move it, move it," a pleased Belinsky exclaimed. The act of "mov[ing] it" is apparently very enjoyable, considering Belinsky's emphatic repetitions of the phrase in a fun, sing-songy tone. At one point, Belinsky paused after saying, "You like to..." in an attempt to get the other moviegoers to finish the lyric. The bystanders said, "Excuse me," or just pushed their way past Belinsky as he finished the line himself.

Area Boy To Freeze Out There

GREEN BAY, WI- According to 43-year-old mother of three Janet Goodman, 6-year-old son Jarrett will reportedly "freeze out there," barring the addition of a jacket to his wardrobe. According to household reports, the boy had begun to walk out of the door in boots, jeans, and a long-sleeve shirt in order to play in the snow before being stopped by his worried mother. "Jarry, you'll freeze out there!", the anxious woman cried. "Put on a jacket!" The boy then reportedly ran upstairs, put on a sweatshirt halfway, and zipped out the door before taking the sweatshirt off and leaving it in the garage.

Area Man Proud To Live Near First Baptist Church

TULSA,OK- Area technician Dave Lester, 43, is proud to live near the first-ever baptist church. "It's a great honor," Lester said. "I never knew our town was renowned for so great a thing. Our claim to fame, you know."
The historic church is located on 2342 East Barden Drive. It was built in 1985.
"Yeah, that's weird... I thought the Baptists started before then. Maybe they just, like, met at each other's houses, or something before then."
Controversy has erupted, though, over the Tulsa church's claim as being the first-ever baptist church. Churchgoers from Los Angeles, New York, Nashville, Albuquerque, Green Bay, Lanedale, Kansas; Cool Springs, Tennessee; various areas in Nebraska, a small unnamed community in North Dakota, a rural town in South Alabama, and various other places scattered throughout the southeast, all claim to have the first baptist church in their hometowns.
One man from Murfreesboro, Tennessee claimed, "Well, there's that place over near the square. They claim to be the first baptist church, so I guess I believe them."
Several lawsuits have been considered by the towns with the "first" baptist churches. The various chambers of congress, however, have decided against legal action, claiming it would not be worth it.
Even more perplexing to Lester is the fact that Tulsa also contains the Third Baptist Church. "I had no idea this town had so much history to it," Lester observed. "By the way, where is the second baptist church?"
There are approximately 50,079 other "third" baptist churches around the nation. As of press time, apparently no one has ever seen the second baptist church.

Everyday Life Rated PG-13

WASHINGTON,DC- The MPAA has just released a PG-13 rating for everyday life. Everyday life, a common experience shared by every living organism on the planet, has been deemed inappropriate for children under 13 without parental supervision.
"We judged everyday life by the same criteria we do all our other reviewed media," MPAA spokesman Antonio Lycman said. "We came to the conclusion that parental supervision is strongly suggested for living children under 13."
Some of the objectionable content leading to the rating are "strong violence, intense sequences of horror and terror, gore, sexual content, nudity, innuendo, crude humor, drug use, teenage drinking, fantasy/cartton violence, strong language, sexual references, tobacco use, drinking, teen sex, intense action violence, and smoking."
"There are long, intense sequences of violence in life," Lycman stated.
"Not only that, but drug use and sex were both heavily present in life."
Asked why the popular for of existence did not receive an R rating, Lycman said,
"We feel that would have been inappropriate. We can't not allow children under 17 into life. It would be highly impractical."
The announcement has had a profound impact on parents and family life around the nation. "I used to just let my daughter go to school alone every day, without my supervision," 43-year-old Todd Blackman said of his 8-year-old daughter, Samantha. "Now that they finally came out with a rating, I'm probably going to have to go everywhere with her now. Who knows what she may face out there?"
The impact that everyday life has had on today's culture, especially the youth, is not hard to see, Lycman said. "Teen sex is rampant in our high schools and college campuses everywhere," said Lycman. "drugs have had a devastating imapct on much of the population, and all one must do is turn on the news to see the violence that happens today as an effect of the violent content of everyday life."
Although life has been deemed appropriate with parental supervision for those under 13, some parents have expressed caution in what their children see. "I don't want my kids exposed to that," 53-year-old mother Patricia Felton said before brutally beating her tween daughters in an attempt to discourage their interest in experiencing life.
When informed of the acts of Felton and other parents, Lycman said, "Well, if that's true, that may raise the objectionable content level in life to an R."