Report: 'Eleventeen' Not an Actual Number, But Doesn't it Sound Like One?

Woman in 'I Love Paris' T-shirt has Never Left Missouri

Bugs Must Come Into Contact With Disgusting Humans as Part of New 'Insect Fear Factor'

North Korea Adopts "Rocket Top" as Official National Fight Song

Extremely Competitive Man Can't Even Stand to Lose in His Dreams

AUSTIN, TX- Following a dream in which the man lost a game of horse to comedian Jon Stewart, 29-year-old Jake Appleby decided to go back to sleep in an attempt to continue the dream and ultimately exact his revenge on Stewart.
"I can't believe I lost," Appleby said before going back to sleep and ultimately claiming his victory from the 54-year-old comedian and former host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show. "I gotta get back to sleep."
At press time, Appleby had woken up from another dream right before he was about to kiss Mila Kunis.

"Donald Trump is the Antichrist," Says Sean Spicer in Unrecorded Press Briefing

WASHINGTON- In an unrecorded press briefing on Monday which prohibited the use of cameras and audio recording devices, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer admitted to members of the press that President Donald Trump was, in fact, the Antichrist.
"Donald Trump is the Antichrist! He must be stopped!" Spicer screamed at the top of his lungs. "He was born of the jackal! He's coming for Jesus!"
As of press time, Trump had started branding his loyal Republican followers with the number "666" on their palms and foreheads.

"I Am A Nine-Year-Old Cotton Bunny Rabbit With Eyeballs Where My Nipples Should Be," Sean Spicer May As Well Have Said In Unrecorded Press Briefing

WASHINGTON- In an unrecorded press briefing on Monday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer may as well have told assembled reporters that he was a nine-year-old cotton bunny rabbit with eyeballs where his nipples should be.
"I suck on my own fingers when I want to history truffle road stop," Spicer very well could have said. "59 700,000 Tom Cruise my house likes to eat bad people."
Spicer may have ended the briefing by regaling the assembled press corps with a tale of how his childhood pet lizard had once farted fire.

Apples And Oranges Figure Out They Actually Have A Lot In Common

YOUR KITCHEN- According to reports, apples and oranges, the fruits notable for their perceived lack of shared interests, found out they actually have a lot in common on Tuesday.
"Frank [the apple] loves Nirvana's early stuff, just like me," Herman [the orange] said to reporters Tuesday. "Not to mention we both bear at least somewhat of a resemblance to a circle."
At press time, night and day were still as different as apples and oranges.

TSA Agent Enjoys Searching People For "Iran-Contraband"

Unrated Version Of Movie Total Letdown

MUFREESBORO, TN- After viewing the unrated version of "The Strangers" on DVD on Sunday night, area man Luke Carlton was forced to admit it was a total letdown.
"There was, like, only one scene added to the movie, and it wasn't super-violent or sexy or anything like that," said a disappointed Carlton, who said he was very upset by the film's lack of added gore or violence. "I was expecting, like, a bloodbath or something. Damn it."
At press time, Carlton was thinking, and noticed that every single one of the unrated movies he's seen have been exactly like this.

Report: Nashville So Excited About Stanley Cup Final Because They Thought It A Ceremony Honoring Sexual Predators