Hey, At Least Depressed Person Losing Weight

Church Orders Double Normal Amount Of Communion Cups For Christmas Eve Services

Report: 'GSH' On Chicago Bears Uniforms Now Stands For 'Gosh, We Suck'

Man Wondering Why Chiefs Always Wear White Turtlenecks In Their Pictures

'Star Wars' Fans Excited To See What Happened To All Those Obscure Jedi From The Battle Of Geonosis

Report: Mace Windu Not Actually Dead Because He Landed On Trampoline When Darth Sidious Tried To Kill Him

Episode III Trump's Favorite 'Star Wars'

Alabama Police: Roy Moore Liked To Go Around Scrawling His Phone Number On 'Watch For Children' Signs In Alabama

MONTGOMERY, AL- According to local police reports, Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore used to go around scribbling his phone number on local 'Watch For Children' street signs. "See any children? Call me," wrote Moore on one sign, before adding his phone number on the bottom of the sign. "Roy Moore knows what to do with young children." At press time, Moore had denied the charges, but c'mon.

Trump: "I'm Not Racist, I Just Hate People Of Different Races Than Me"

Pistons, Pacers Celebrate Anniversary of 'Malice at the Palace' By Getting Together, Beating Shit Out Of Each Other

Man Underneath Crowd Surfer Didn't Ask For This Responsibility

Man Relieved To Learn Product Has Same Great Taste Despite New Look

Jerry Jones: "If You Don't Remove Your Knees, Thereby Rendering Kneeling Impossible, You Will Not Play"

OCD Thoughts All Suddenly Start Coming True

WASHINGTON- It's chaos around the world today, as OCD sufferer's collective fears and anxieties,  or "obsessions," have started coming true.
"I didn't turn my kitchen light on and off five times when I left the house this morning, and now my mom is dead!" exclaimed local man Pete McCaffrey, 41. "I didn't think anything would happen! Nothing usually does. But now... now I see that my thoughts weren't bluffing all along! Now I see the horror that is my obsessions."
According to local woman Alicia Silverspoon, she didn't check the lock on her door ten times as she left for work this morning, and came back after work to find her cat dead.
Other people have even experienced death for themselves.
One man, Steve Curtis, had his soul immediately taken down to Hell after he refused to button and unbutton his shirt 20 times.
"We are the obsessions, and we are here to bring death upon the earth!" said a disembodied spirit. "We are the ones who put those fears and anxieties into people's minds. We were just waiting for the perfect time to bring our plans to fruition. We had to lull people to sleep and make them think that OCD obsessions were lies, until we were finally ready to reveal ourselves to the world!"
At press time, holy crap, my parents just died.

Premiere Of New 'Star Wars' Trailer During Halftime of Monday Night Football Only Time All Year Local Geeks Have Turned On ESPN

Stupid Florida Residents Go From Loving Kneeling To Hating Kneeling

Report: None Of These People Realize How Stupid They Fucking Look

Crayola Introduces New 'Donald Trump' Color

Apparently, Mormons Are Giants

New Arby's Half-Pound Sandwiches Make You Feel Half A Person Heavier

Study: Men Much More Willing To Accept Things When Written In ESPN Font

WASHINGTON- According to a study released Friday by the Pew Research Center, men are much more willing to accept things if they are written in that cool ESPN font.
"Our findings indicate that no matter what the news, from a wide variety of subjects such as having cancer or that their dog died, men are much more willing to accept if it is written in that cool, space-age ESPN typeface," said lead researcher Michelle Keene.
In the study, men from ages 18-50 were isolated in a private room and then given a variety of bad news written in Times New Roman font. They then were shown the same headline written in ESPN font.
Across the board, men responded to news such as, "Your mom just had a heart attack," or "Your wife wants a divorce," negatively when the headlines were shown in Times New Roman. However, when shown the same story in that cool ESPN style of type, the men said, "Sweet!' and "Awesome!"
According to a similar study, no one had any idea how to react when shown a negative message in Wingdings.

Jerry Jones Still Speaking Right Now

It Still Unclear If Man Can Finish Singing Line Without Running Out Of Breath

Cancellation Of Erectile Dysfunction Medication Ads Could Lead To Thousands Of Men Shooting Their Dicks Off

PHOENIX, AZ- After the dissolution of the relationship between Pfizer and Lilly, the companies which make the erectile dysfunction medications Viagra and Cialis, and the NFL, and the subsequent cancellation of the companies' ads during football games, the nation's collective sufferers of four-hour-long erections will now have no clue what to do in order to help address this problem, leaving the horrified and perplexed men to their own devices to help address their priapism.
"Usually, the commercials tell men with erections lasting more than four hours to see a doctor right away," said noted Phoenix-area physician James Roberts. "But without these helpful ads, men will be completely in the dark about what to do with their horrifyingly long and painful erections."
Experts speculate that many men will at first be pleased by how long they can maintain an erection, but then be in such pain and misery that they will attempt to shoot their dick off.
Others will most likely take advantage of their situation and have sex with their wives for three hours straight, but after the fourth hour, become so preoccupied with their engorged penis that they too shoot their dicks off.
Others still are expected to pleasure themselves vigorously, but after the fourth hour comes, and they still have not managed to get rid of their huge boners, will also reportedly shoot their dicks off.
"We are looking at a penis-detachment pandemic the likes of which would make Lorena Bobbitt green with envy," said noted priapism specialist Dr. Steve Carson. "The country's men should know: If you sustain an erection for more than four hours, please, do not shoot your dick off. Just see a doctor."

James Corden Pulled Over For Distracted Driving

Man Just Going Crazy With Sneezes

INDIANAPOLIS, IN- Area man Arthur Sanderson was reportedly going crazy with sneezes earlier today."Oh, Arthur? Yeah, he was just going bananas with sneezes earlier," friend and coworker Anne Carter told reporters.
The 29-year-old systems analyst had just finished eating lunch when, according to sources, he let out the "loudest sneeze you will ever hear." That was, of course, before his second sneeze, which led the group of coworkers seated at a nearby lunch table to correct themselves and dub the second sneeze as the loudest you will ever hear. "It was like an angry man screaming," colleague Aaron Lowder told reporters. "I was actually pretty frightened."
According to onlookers, the man then became bleary-eyed and left his mouth hanging open, while reportedly inhaling and coming close to sneezing many times, yet never reaching his intended goal of a completed sneeze.
After about 30 seconds of this, the man then sneezed again, followed by an additional 30 seconds of thinking he was about to sneeze. After that, Sanderson then let out a series of sneezes, which were weak and characterized by their extra sloppiness. He then went an additional 45 seconds of thinking he was going to sneeze, before releasing an extra string of sloppy, wet sneezes.
He then had to retrieve some Kleenexes from his desk.
"I feel really bad for him," said Elijah Sterling, who reportedly sits at the desk next to Sanderson's. "The whole office was watching as he let loose that series of snot-filled creations. Poor guy."
At press time, Sanderson had reportedly stopped sneezing for 15 seconds after retrieving the Kleenexes from his desk, yet started right back up again after that.

Woman Nearly Struck Deaf by Sound of Towel Rack Rotating

ALBUQUERQUE, NM- Area woman Jane Spencer was reportedly nearly struck deaf Monday by the sound of her towel rack rotating. "I was putting my bath towel back on the rack, and the rack started moving with my towel," Spencer explained. "As it rotated on its hinges, it made an incredibly loud and high-pitched shriek of a noise," she said. "Damn thing nearly took my ears off my head." At press time, Spencer was reportedly still hearing ringing in her ears.

Shaggy and Scooby Go To Hell For Gluttony

Women Can Either Be More Attractive or Smarter Than Man, But Not Both

HOUSTON, TX- According to sources, local man Jake Boushemy lets the women in his life be either more attractive or smarter than him, but not both.
"Jake has always been threatened by women who are smarter than him, at least if they're also better-looking," explained Boushemy's sister, Maria, whom Boushemy refuses to talk to, given her status as a reasonably attractive and well-educated woman.
According to family sources, all of the females in Boushemy's circle are either hot and dumb as rocks, or ugly and sharp as a tack.
"He brought a girl around here the other day who was fine as hell, but then she opened her mouth, and, well, let's just say she wasn't Einstein," reported Boushemy's friend, Josh Hornsby, referring to Emily, a girl Jake had been dating who believed that the answer to 2 plus 2 is 22.
Sources told The Newz that all of Boushemy's female friends were ugly and smart, however, all of his girlfriends had been extremely attractive and dumb as heck.
"Patricia, Melanie, Sarah, Rose... all dumb as fuck," Hornsby reported.
According to his sister, Boushemy once had a girlfriend who was both smart and sexually attractive, yet broke it off after realizing that she had gotten a higher score on the ACT than him.
Boushemy was once enthralled by a girl he met in a sixth-grade spelling bee, sources said. However, after she beat him in the academic competition, he decided not to pursue her.
"I don't need that bitch in my life," Boushemy reportedly said at the time. "I'm smarter than her anyways!"
When approached for comment, Boushemy's current girlfriend marveled at the microphone in front of her and asked if it was a robot penis.

New 'Teen Tennessee Titans Go!' Cartoon Not Doing so Well

Report: 'Eleventeen' Not an Actual Number, But Doesn't it Sound Like One?

Woman in 'I Love Paris' T-shirt has Never Left Missouri

Bugs Must Come Into Contact With Disgusting Humans as Part of New 'Insect Fear Factor'

North Korea Adopts "Rocket Top" as Official National Fight Song

Extremely Competitive Man Can't Even Stand to Lose in His Dreams

AUSTIN, TX- Following a dream in which the man lost a game of horse to comedian Jon Stewart, 29-year-old Jake Appleby decided to go back to sleep in an attempt to continue the dream and ultimately exact his revenge on Stewart.
"I can't believe I lost," Appleby said before going back to sleep and ultimately claiming his victory from the 54-year-old comedian and former host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show. "I gotta get back to sleep."
At press time, Appleby had woken up from another dream right before he was about to kiss Mila Kunis.

"Donald Trump is the Antichrist," Says Sean Spicer in Unrecorded Press Briefing

WASHINGTON- In an unrecorded press briefing on Monday which prohibited the use of cameras and audio recording devices, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer admitted to members of the press that President Donald Trump was, in fact, the Antichrist.
"Donald Trump is the Antichrist! He must be stopped!" Spicer screamed at the top of his lungs. "He was born of the jackal! He's coming for Jesus!"
As of press time, Trump had started branding his loyal Republican followers with the number "666" on their palms and foreheads.

"I Am A Nine-Year-Old Cotton Bunny Rabbit With Eyeballs Where My Nipples Should Be," Sean Spicer May As Well Have Said In Unrecorded Press Briefing

WASHINGTON- In an unrecorded press briefing on Monday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer may as well have told assembled reporters that he was a nine-year-old cotton bunny rabbit with eyeballs where his nipples should be.
"I suck on my own fingers when I want to history truffle road stop," Spicer very well could have said. "59 700,000 Tom Cruise my house likes to eat bad people."
Spicer may have ended the briefing by regaling the assembled press corps with a tale of how his childhood pet lizard had once farted fire.

Apples And Oranges Figure Out They Actually Have A Lot In Common

YOUR KITCHEN- According to reports, apples and oranges, the fruits notable for their perceived lack of shared interests, found out they actually have a lot in common on Tuesday.
"Frank [the apple] loves Nirvana's early stuff, just like me," Herman [the orange] said to reporters Tuesday. "Not to mention we both bear at least somewhat of a resemblance to a circle."
At press time, night and day were still as different as apples and oranges.

TSA Agent Enjoys Searching People For "Iran-Contraband"

Unrated Version Of Movie Total Letdown

MUFREESBORO, TN- After viewing the unrated version of "The Strangers" on DVD on Sunday night, area man Luke Carlton was forced to admit it was a total letdown.
"There was, like, only one scene added to the movie, and it wasn't super-violent or sexy or anything like that," said a disappointed Carlton, who said he was very upset by the film's lack of added gore or violence. "I was expecting, like, a bloodbath or something. Damn it."
At press time, Carlton was thinking, and noticed that every single one of the unrated movies he's seen have been exactly like this.

Report: Nashville So Excited About Stanley Cup Final Because They Thought It A Ceremony Honoring Sexual Predators

Questions Abound As To Whether Zaza Pachulia Intentionally Stabbed Kawhi Leonard

OAKLAND, CA- Following a play in Sunday's Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals, in which Golden State Warriors center Zaza Pachulia pulled out a knife and stabbed San Antonio Spurs forward Kawhi Leonard in the stomach, many people are asking if Pachulia meant to harm Leonard.
"I think [Pachulia] knew what he was doing," said Oklahoma City resident and longtime basketball fan Mark Kellery, adding that even if Pachulia unknowingly brought the knife to the stadium, took the knife out of his pocket, and stashed it in his sock while getting dressed for the game, he should have been "more aware" of his actions during the game.
"When you're out there on the court, you have to have an awareness of your actions and their ramifications, like taking a 7-inch Ginsu blade out of your sock, running toward a Spurs player, and stabbing it in his midsection as he leapt into the air for a jump shot," Kellery said. "You have to know that little actions like that can cause a lot of damage."
Many across the country are echoing Kellery's sentiments.
"This guy is just a reckless, airheaded individual," ESPN's Stephen A. Smith said Monday on his show, "First Take." "He may not have meant to injure Leonard in any way, but what did he expect to happen after he pulled that knife out and subsequently stabbed the man three times as he jumped into the air, and four more times after Leonard slumped to the ground in pain? Guys have to be more careful and more aware of their actions out on the court."
Leonard, however, defended Pachulia's actions, calling the stabbing an "honest mistake." "I don't think he meant to harm me," Leonard said. "He was just going all out on the play. I would've done the same thing."

Racist Oklahoma City Crowd Boos Kevin Durant Incessantly

New Video Game Cheat Code Allows Player To Actually Be Good At Game

REDMOND, WA- It was revealed today that the as-yet-unreleased video game, Batman 3DS will feature a cheat code that allows the player to actually be good at the game, instead of relying on a bunch of cheat codes.
Nintendo of America President and Chief Operating Officer Reggie Fils-Aime had this to say: "At Nintendo, we always want our players to have access to special cheats that can unlock hidden nuggets. What better cheat than a cheat used so that you won't have to rely on cheats? It's genius!"
Upon hearing the news, millions of fans were clamoring for the new game, saying it will be great to have a game they won't have to cheat at, except for the cheat of being able not to cheat. Said one eager customer, "Thank goodness! I suck at all my other games, and have to use cheat codes. Now I'll have a game where I won't need them! Except maybe once."

Trump Declares "Raised Middle Finger" Official Hand Gesture of U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC- In his first act in office, today President Donald J. Trump declared the "Raised Middle Finger" the official hand gesture of the U.S.
"Today is a huge day for the middle finger," Trump said. "I have loved the middle finger my whole life."
The "Raised Middle Finger" beat out the likes of the "Okay Sign", the "Thumbs Up," the "Thumbs Down," and the "Wave" for the honor.

Nation's Masochists Just Loving This Stuff

Nuts Celebrate 50,000,000th Cookie Ruined

Man Thought Phrase Was "Booze It Or Lose It"

NASHVILLE, TN- According to reports, area man David Laheim thought the phrase regarding drunk driving was "booze it or lose it."
"I was about to leave the bar, but I thought I better get a few more drinks before I started driving again," Laheim said. "You know, I didn't want to lose my license, or my freedom. The whole 'booze it or lose it' thing."
According to sources, Laheim was arrested almost immediately after he left the bar, as he ran over two kids and a small dog.

Man Torn About How To React Following Alabama Loss

NEW YORK, NY- While admittedly excited about Alabama's loss to Clemson in the 2016 College Football Playoff National Championship game, area man Brian Windhorst was also confused about how to react, given that the loss could also reflect well on former Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin.

"I mean, I'm glad to see those little f#cks lose, but I wish it hadn't happened right after that a$$hole Kiffin got fired," Windhorst said. "Now, one could say that the loss happened because Lane Kiffin left. And that reflects well on Lane Kiffin. Damn it..."

At press time, Windhorst was mostly excited, but still, there's that Kiffin thing, so... yeah.