Area Woman Dresses Dog Up In 'Cutest Widdle Hawwoween Outfit'

BALTIMORE,MD- Area woman Melanie Cinderbright, 43, dressed her dog up today in what she called the "cutest widdle Hawwoween outfit."
"Who's a good dog?" Cinderbright asked her 2-year-old Boston terrier, Howie.
"You are! You are!"
The dressing-up was only for fitting purposes.
"I wanted to see if the widdle Dracula costume I got Howie-wowie here would fit him for the big day!" Melanie exclaimed. "He's weady for the big day, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you are!"
According to reports, Cinderbright somewhat forcefully applied the costume to the dog, who sat there stiffly, not sure what to do.
"Oooohhh, you're so cute!" she said after testing the costume out on him.
"Who's my widdle babey-wabey? You are! You are! Yes, you are! Mwaah!" she added. "Mr. Howie is weady for his big day, aren't you?" she asked the dog, who sat there blankly, licking his lips.

Guy Who Was Screaming, Peeing His Pants Five Seconds Ago 'Not Afraid'

BOSTON,MA- As he was exiting Joe's Haunted House on Friday, area man Bill Blemflu, 29, said he was "not scared" during the visit there, despite the fact that he had been screaming his head off and peeing his pants five seconds earlier.
"I wasn't scared," said Blemflu, who was clinging to his girlfriend's arm throughout the whole visit.
"Seriously, I wasn't."
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, including shaking uncontrollably, biting his lower lip, and screaming like a girl, Blemflu maintains that he was not afraid. After several minutes went by, and the group of friends he was with still did not believe him, he said, "C'mon, guys. I was only actin' scared to take your mind off things. Help you not be so tense. Help you laugh."
"Riiight," the group sarcastically said, nodding their heads and rolling their eyes.

Man With Low Self-Esteem Decides To Become A Haunted House Vampire

AUSTIN,TX- Area man Don Blackledge, 43, who has been plagued with low self-esteem and an overall shyness throughout his life, announced plans today to become a haunted house vampire.
"You know what? I think it would be real cool to dress up like that and scare people,"Blackledge, who has no social skills, said as he watched a travel channel special on Halloween attractions.
The career choice seems to be a perfect fit for Blackledge, providing him an opportunity to feel good about himself by scaring people. "It's like a high, you know? Scaring people," Blackledge said.
"Like, you have control, and they're at your mercy. It's a powerful feeling."
If he gets the job, Blackledge plans on coming home after the night shift at Ernest's Haunted Adventures and "chatting online with hot babes" under the username "ladiesman57."

Ref Obviously In Hurry To Get Game Over With

ST. LOUIS, MO- National Football League referee Ed Hochuli was obviously in a hurry to get the Dallas Cowboys-St. Louis Rams game over with earlier this week.

"C'mon, boys, let's go," he said after a Cowboys first down as he placed the ball on the field. "Let's go, c'mon. I got tons of stuff to do today."

"After, like, every first down, he would just, like, hurry us up and stuff," Cowboys tight end Jason Witten said. "He always tried to get us to go no-huddle and stuff, too. I have no idea what his hurry was."

In addition to rushing the players, Hochuli also resorted to other time-saving tactics.

"He kept trying to let the clock keep going whenever it was supposed to stop. Like whenever somebody scored a touchdown, he was just like, '(whistles)', and just did that thing with his arm signaling the time-keeper to let the clock keep running, like nobody would notice," Rams running back Steven Jackson remarked.

At the 2-minute warning, which alerts the players that there are 2 minutes remaining in the half, the clock usually stops and the teams take a timeout. However, when the clock reached 2:00 remaining in the first half, Hochuli signaled for the clock to start as the teams were headed for the sidelines.

"Hey! Where you goin'?" he said. "Forget the 2-minute warning! I got stuff to do! C'mon!"

(Needless to say, his attempt at skipping the 2-minute warning was futile.)

Hochuli also resorted to blatantly ignoring certain calls and challenges that would have led to unnecessary stoppage of game time.

"I had a pass coming right towards me," Cowboys receiver Miles Austin said. "The defender just grabbed me and all kinds of stuff. There's no question it should've been interference."

The call, however, was ignored by Hochuli.

"Aaah, uncatchable," he explained.

When Cowboys coach Wade Phillips called for a challenge on a controversial call in the third quarter, Hochuli picked up the challenge flag and handed it to Phillips, saying, "No challenges in the final half."

"That was total bullcrap," Phillips said of the incident. "I don't know what his deal was today."

When asked why he was in such a rush, Hochuli responded, "I don't know, I just had a lot of stuff to do today. You know how it is. Busy, busy, busy!"

As of press time, it is believed that Hochuli just had to go to the bathroom really, really bad.

Football Player on Away Team High-Fives Fans Just To See What They Do

MORGANTOWN, WV- After a 17-34 loss to the West Virginia Mountaineers here in Morgantown, Auburn defensive player Walter McFadden decided to join the Mountaineers in high-fiving the WVU fans "just for the heck of it."

"I don't know. I just wanted to see what they'd do," McFadden said. "I mean, yeah, I'm upset we lost and everything, but I just thought it'd be funny."

This is not the first time McFadden has taken part in another team's celebrations. In a road game in high school, he tried to pump up the visiting crowd by jumping up and down and signaling for the crowd to get louder while his team had the ball. Earlier this year, after a Southern Miss player scored a touchdown against his team, McFadden ran over to the USM mascot and did a choreographed Charleston celebration dance.

I Don't See What Black Guys See In Black Women

By Jeffrey Jacobs
White Guy

Okay, look. I'm a normal guy, right? I'm not crazy. I have good taste in the fairer sex, right? I'm down with the ladies. I like 'em. But, you see, something's kinda confusing me. The thing is- I don't see what black guys see in black women.
It's just, you know, black women just don't seem as hot to me as white or Latina or Asian women. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just me, but I just don't see it. I mean, sure, they've got big booties. But, I mean- I don't know. It's just not doin' it for me.
Now, you African-American ladies out there- don't take this as me being against you or something. I like y'all as people. It's just, when it comes to looks- you're just not hitting the spot.
And look, there are some black ladies that are hot. I mean, there are exceptions just like with any other rule. But for the most part, that's just not the case.
But I guess that's why black guys always try to get the white girls, huh? And is it just me, or do black guys always go after white girls with blonde hair? I mean, I can understand- blondes are hot. But why not brunettes? Dirty blondes? Redheads? Oh, wait- don't even get me started on redheads.

Report: 98% of Ebert & Roeper-Reviewed Movies Given Two Thumbs Up

LOS ANGELES, CA- According to a new study, 98% of the movies reviewed by film critics Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper received a "Two Thumbs Up!" rating from them.
The study, which was conducted by Stanford University, found that among the 'Two-Thumbs-Up'-rated films, 65% were action films, 15% were horror films, and 20% were comedies. Among the 2 percent of non-Two-Thumbs-Up-rated movies, 99% were rated, "Two Thumbs WAY Up!"
"I guess it makes sense," said Stanford's Barry Guy, PhD. "I mean, I've never really seen any movies that don't say, 'Two Thumbs Up!- Ebert & Roeper' on the cover. I was actually expecting the percentage to be a bit higher, to tell you the truth."

Ebert & Roeper have given this article two thumbs up.

Area Man Not Actually Going To 'See You Later'

NASHVILLE, TN- Despite assurances from area record-store clerk Don Dingle, 34, made on your way out of the store that he would "see you later," you will never see him again in your entire life.
"I've never even seen that guy before. I don't even know his name," you said.
"How am I supposed to 'see him later?'"

Report: No One Even Knew WNBA Finals Was Going On

YPSILANTI, MI- The WNBA's Detroit Shock beat the Silver Stars of San Antonio, 76-60, on Sunday, to complete a 3-0 sweep and win the WNBA Finals, an event no one even knew was going on.
"Oh, the WNBA Finals just ended," remarked Los Angeles native Bill Johnson, after seeing a headline about it on espn.com while checking his fantasy football team. "That's cool, I guess... I didn't even know they were on."
In an online poll, 79% of the voters responded to the question, "Who will win the WNBA Finals?" with, "Is that on?" 20% responded, "That's, like, hockey or something, right?" 1% said, "Ohio State."
The playoffs, which began September 18, went by largely unnoticed in the public eye. From the Silver Stars' semifinals triumph over the Sacramento Monarchs, to the New York Liberty's series win over the Connecticut Sun, sports fans around the country were too focused on college football to even be aware of the playoffs. ESPN had originally planned to air the Finals, but then decided not to, saying it would not get good enough ratings.
Part of the reason for the public's ignorance is the fact that the WNBA decided not to advertise the Finals or the playoffs.
"We just decided it wouldn't be worth it," WNBA Commissioner Donna Orender said.
"We've done that before, and we still haven't managed a blip in the ratings. We figured it wouldn't have made a difference anyway."
The Nielsen ratings were the lowest they've ever been, while attendance at the games also suffered, mostly because people didn't know there were any games to watch or go to.
"If I had known, I would have watched maybe, like, a quarter of a game or something. Maybe," Johnson said.
Orender was just happy people actually watched.
"Honestly, I'm surprised," she said. "I didn't think anybody would watch, just because they didn't even know about it."
As of press time, it is believed that the only reason people actually knew about the Finals before they were over was because they flipped by it while waiting for Matlock to come on.

Local Dentist's Office Finds Success In New "Your Teeth Are So Disgustingly Yellow And Gross It Makes Me Wanna Barf" Advertising Campaign

MONTGOMERY, AL- Locally-owned dentist's office, "Smiling Stars", has reported phenomenal increases in revenue today, following the release of its new, "Your Teeth Are So Disgustingly Yellow And Gross It Makes Me Wanna Barf", advertising campaign.
"Why didn't we think of this before?", Dr. Stan Richards, Dds, said. "We've never had this many people come in before! It's like a dream come true!"
The campaign, which features billboards boldly proclaiming, "You know what? Your teeth are so disgusting, it makes me wanna barf looking at them. It's gross. Your teeth are so yellow, I thought you had replaced them with banana peels and corn. Yeah, I can't come up with good insults. But anyway. Yeah, they're that disgusting. You should really get them checked out, because they're so gross. And your breath smells like a freakin' wet dog, you sicko. You're a total loser. You're a sicko, you freakin' weirdo. Geek," and, "Don't ever smile at me again, you freak. It's disgusting," debuted last month, and the dentist's office that produced them has already seen a 40% increase in patient enrollment.
The ad campaign also features street signs, including a yellow one that proclaims, "See the color of this sign? Yeah. That's what color your teeth are, you sicko." At the bottom, the signs and billboards tout the company's logo and phone number.
In addition to the signs, television and radio ads are also featured in the ad campaign. One such TV ad, which runs on MTV, vh1, and other youth-oriented channels, features an attractive young female, who walks on to the screen, addressing the viewer. "So you wanna have a perfect smile like Audrina Patridge or Paris Hilton?", she inquires. "You wanna have that perfect set of teeth like David Cook? Ha! Yeah, right! Have you looked in a mirror lately, you pathetic, ugly loser? You're a disgusting slob! Your teeth are so yellow, even I can tell! And I'm on the freakin' TV! Imagine how it must be for people everyday to have to stare at your disgusting mouth, you loser! You're so gross! I'm gonna barf my head off! Uuugh!" After she walks off the screen feigning barfing, the company's logo appears, while a middle-aged male voice says, "Smiling Stars. Come visit us today, because if you don't, you'll be a gross weirdo for the rest of your life. So c'mon down, you loser."
One of the radio ads also features a male voice, saying, "Are you tired of being ridiculed for your teeth? Are you tired of everyone around you being completely disgusted whenever you so much as freakin' open your dang piehole? Are you tired of those disgustingly hideous yellow chompers? Well, too bad, loser! That's your lot in life! Unless you come to 'Smiling Stars', where everyone's a star! Even gross sickos like you!"
"Why didn't we think of this before, instead of telling kids to just, like, floss and stuff?" Richards wondered.
"Whenever they were leaving, we coulda just, like, told them, 'Okay, remember... Nobody likes you, you disgusting loser. And it's all because of your horribly revolting teeth. So come back whenever you [darn] well can, you hear me, you [freakin'] loser?' Man, I can't believe we didn't think of this before."

Presidential Rally Attendees Don't Realize Question Is Rhetorical

CONCORD, NH- Attendees at a John McCain presidential rally didn't realize yesterday that most of McCain's questions during his speech didn't require an answer and were self-fulfilling in nature. When McCain asked quite thoughtfully, "Who's gonna lead the nation to prosperity again? Me or (Barack) Obama?", he was not necessarily looking for an answer. However, the crowd responded passionately, "You!" or "McCain!", quite nearly killing the atmosphere the senator had created up to that point. Later in the speech, McCain outlined his opponent, Barack Obama's, position on oil drilling, then said,"My friends, is that the kind of leadership you want in Washington?" Half of the crowd responded with a sluggish, "No," or "I dunno."
When asked about the crowd's responses yesterday, McCain said, "Well, it made it kind of awkward, you know? Like, I was trying to emphasize how much more experience I have than Obama and I was like, 'How many years has Obama been doing this?' And then, people said, like, 'eight' and stuff. Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. You kinda just ruined the whole feel of the moment, ya know? They kinda missed the point."
It is widely believed that the awkwardness of the aforementioned moments could cost McCain several million votes, effectively ending his campaign.

Area Man Forced To Cut Favorite Podcast From iTunes

HENDERSONVILLE, TN- Local man Don Carr was forced to cut his favorite podcast, "SEC Football Today," from his iTunes synchronization list today to make room for other audio and visual related media on his iPod.
"Well, I have a 4-gig, and I was downloading a bunch of stuff today," Carr said.
"It's times like this that make me wish I had an 8."
This is not the first time Carr has been forced to downsize. Last month, he had to cut an album that he barely listens to, and last week, he was forced to cut over half of his family vacation pictures from a year ago.

Area Man No Car Expert Or Anything; He's Just Saying

WICHITA, KS- According to a report made by area resident Rob Bethel, he is not a car expert or anything; he is just saying. The report came after Bethel and his friend, George Wichina, experienced engine troubles in Bethel's car on a night out. As Wichina got out of the car and attempted to fix the problem, he instructed Bethel to turn the car off. Confused, Bethel responded, "Shouldn't it be on? I mean, I'm no car expert or anything; I'm just saying." Already frustrated, Wichina then reiterated his command. "Just turn the car off or I'll stick this freakin' wire up your butt, you smarta!#."

Bill Belichick Actually Smiles

SAN FRANCISCO, CA- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick smiled for the first time in his life yesterday, after a game against the San Francisco 49ers in Candlestick Park. The historic milestone came after the conclusion of his team's 30-21 win, after wondering for several minutes what the warm, tingling feeling he was experiencing deep within him was. "I felt this...happiness," remarked Belichick, when asked of the incident. "This... this joy that I hadn't felt before," he said as his eyes teared up. "I'm sorry... I-I didn't know I was going to get so emotional... I've never felt something like this before." Belichick then reportedly began skipping cheerily through a field of colorful flowers and singing with an anthropomorphic talking sun.

Porn Star Has Trouble Explaining Birds & Bees To Child

NEW YORK, NY- Porn star Brea Bennett had trouble explaining sexual intercourse to 6-year-old Ronny Wiler, one of her many illegitimate children, today. The incident started when Wiler, who was spending the day with Bennett, inquired curiously on the origin of children. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Wiler asked. The question apparently caught Bennett off-guard. "Well, you see, sweety," she said, as she reportedly could not remember the child's first name, "when a man and a woman get really horny- er, I mean, love each other very much- they have a hot, steamy afternoon of blowjobs and gangbanging with their friends." After saying this, she realized her error. "Umm, I mean... they, um... you know?", she said as she struggled for words. "they just... umm... well, let's just say they have a hot, steamy night of sucking and f@#!ing... I mean, no... I mean they do it from behind, er... wait a minute... oh, gosh...." By this point, the boy was reportedly dazed and confused.

"Mommy, what's f@#!ing?" he asked.

"Um, well... forget I said that, honey... what they do is, they... uh, they... they... well, the woman, you see... she sucks and licks the man's hard, meaty c!ck until he cums all over her face, then she swallows his cum, and he licks her down real good, and then he sticks his d@#k in her, and they pound each other real hard, and... oh man, what am I saying? Honey, just go up to your room and play, okay?",she said, not sure what to do to make up for the vast amount of information she had just revealed to her son. "Why didn't I just tell him they come from storks or something? (Dang) it!"

Area Man Sorry For Dropping Derek Anderson

MANHATTAN, KS- Local man Dirk Vidschke was very remorseful Sunday after being forced to drop Cleveland Browns quarterback Derek Anderson from his fantasy football team's lineup due to Anderson's decline in production. "I'm sorry, Derek. It's nothing personal," Vidschke said, as he clicked the 'Drop' button next to Anderson's name. "We've had a good run, buddy. I love you. Thank you for all you've done." Vidschke then nearly shed a tear. Asked why he dropped Anderson, a tearful Vidschke responded, "(sniff) Well (sniff), Donovan McNabb's recent performance and Anderson's dropoff in recent weeks forced me to. I'm sorry, Derek! Forgive me!!!" Vidschke then slammed himself to the ground as tears flowed from his face, he tore his shirt, and shouted, "Woe is me! Forgive me! Forgive me, Derek, forgive me!!!"

Area Man Mad At Freakin' Pictures

DALLAS, TX- Area football fan Rob Jublowme was vehement today, as pictures of various products and logos of companies that sponsored the NFL on CBS directly blocked his view of the "super-hot" Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. "They were comin' back from a commercial break, and the camera was scannin' across a row of the cheerleaders on the sidelines," Jublowme recalled. "But the (dang) sponsors' pictures were coverin' up their complete and total hotness. Do they really think I would rather see that than Meghan's totally cute face? I mean, c'mon... I couldn't care less about the new Escalade hybrid." Sunday's incident is not the first time such an atrocity has happened, according to Jublowme. "The same (freakin') thing happened last week, with some stupid ad for deodorant or something. Yeah, that really makes me want to buy your product. Freakin' geniuses." Jublowme then reportedly tossed a pencil at the television.