Poor Movie Review Manipulated To Sound Like Good Movie Review

LOS ANGELES, CA- A poor movie review for the upcoming film, "Punisher: War Zone", was manipulated by advertising executives at Lions Gate Films to sound like a positive movie review in the films' new trailers.

"This movie lacks the original qualities and exciting, pulse-pounding action needed to create a first-rate action film," a review by Variety's Todd McCarthy read. "Overall, it's just not very exciting! Do not waste your money on this film. It certainly does not deserve my five stars! Or my two thumbs up! The new ads feature snippets of McCarthy's review that some claim are taken out of context. The series of 30-second spots includes such quotes as, "original," "exciting, pulse-pounding action," "a first-rate action film," "it's... very exciting!", "Do... this film," "five stars!", and "two thumbs up!" After seeing how the ad execs had deliberately misquoted him, McCarthy said, "This is not right! How can they do this? I never said that! It's not in the right context!" Executives for Lions Gate Films thanked McCarthy for his support of their commercials, as they thought he said, "This is... right! I... said that! It's... in the right context!"

Everything Always About Area Man

WALLA WALLA, WA- According to reports from his wife, Aneta, everything is always about area man David Wrinkleshtien. "Everything's always about you," she said. "Why can't you think of somebody else for a change?"
The report came when the couple was looking for a restaurant to eat out at Thursday night, when Aneta proposed that they go to Freddy's Pizza Parlor. David countered, however, with his preference of The Meat Shack, claiming he "liked it better." After hearing David's case for eating at The Meat Shack, Aneta informed him of the always-about-himself status of everything. "That is so typical of him," she said later. "It's always, 'me,me,me,me,me!', with him. I mean, I'm not sayin' it should always be about me, but c'mon. He always chooses where we go to eat. He always chooses the color car we buy. He always chooses everything! Why can't it be about me every once in a while?"
After being charged with only thinking of himself, David shot back, "Why can't you vacuum the downstairs every once in a while? Huh?" The night ended with an awkward dining-out at The Meat Shack.

Area Man Recognizes Alteril Infomercial Guy From Extenze Infomercial

NASHVILLE, TN- Area man John Hedgecock, 43, recognized the guy from an infomercial for the sleep-aid Alteril today from the infomercial for a male-growth pill called Extenze. "I've seen that guy somewhere," Hedgecock thought to himself, as he tried to remember from what other cheap daytime/late-night paid programming he had seen the dude. "I know I've seen that guy before!"
According to reports, it took Hedgecock nearly five seconds to recall seeing the guy in an infomercial he had seen in a long night of flipping through the channels. "I remember seeing that infomercial now," he said. "It was kinda gross."
As of press time, the man is unidentified, but it is widely believed that the poor sap really needs to get a life.

Thanksgiving Parade Float Worker Cannot Believe She is Doing This

NEW YORK, NY- Area woman Janet Turnsten, 39, who signed up to work a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float, cannot believe she is actually doing this right now. "Oh my gosh," she thought to herself, as she helped keep a Santa statue erect while wearing a Christmas tree outfit and half-heartedly waving to spectators. "On national television. Holy crap. I look like a freaking idiot. What was I thinking?" Turnsten also added that if she ever even thinks of doing something like this again, whoever's around at the time should just go ahead and shoot her right there.

Not Sure What Else To Do, Area Man Eats

MARIETTA, GA- During a moment of boredom today, area man Ryan Ricklesby decided to eat. "It's Thanksgiving, right?" he said. "I wouldn't want to let it pass me by without chowing down!" Ricklesby also plans to eat a piece of pumpkin pie later on tonight that he will not even be hungry for.

Watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV Highlight of Area Man's Year

DOVER, DE- Watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV is the best highlight of area man Dave Dorschke's year so far. "I love the parade," Dorschke, 29, said today as he grabbed a tub of popcorn, plopped down on the couch, and watched the parade without any family or friends, since he has no friends. "Wow, look at that."
The parade beat out other moments that most would consider barely memorable, including his high school reunion, watching the "New Year's Rockin' Eve" on TV, and that one episode of David Letterman with that guy who does the celebrity impersonations really good. "This is great," he said as he watched the M&M's float pass by. "I couldn't wish for anything better."
Although he had a great time watching the parade, Dorschke said that "that one time last year when I watched 'A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving'? Man, that was even better."

'Dora the Explorer' Balloon Comes Alive and Eats Everyone in Sight

NEW YORK, NY- Tragedy struck the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this morning, as the 'Dora the Explorer' balloon suddenly and without warning came to life and devoured everyone in sight. "It was horrible," said balloon-handler Dan Founchep, 33, who managed to escape. "It- it just- it just killed everything... oh gosh."

The incident occurred around 9:15 central time, as the balloon was making its way past ESPNzone. The day had gone just as planned previously, until, when no one was looking, the balloon turned on its handlers and ate them all, save Founchep. It then reared its blood-thirsty head over to the crowd, which was in a panic by this time. The creature walked slowly over to the crowd and hand-picked certain observers to eat, focusing especially on the children who had so eagerly supported it before. "I AM DORA!!" the monster shouted as it threw a handful of screaming five-year-olds into its mouth. "NO ONE SHALL STOP ME!!! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

After seeing their companion turn like this, numerous balloon-characters stepped in to intervene, including Barney, who attempted to reason with it through an "I Love You" song, the Energizer bunny, who smashed it on the head with its drumsticks, and Ronald McDonald, who offered a lifetime supply of Happy Meals if she would end her rampage. Most notable of the attempts to stop her, however, was that of Buzz Lightyear, who almost took out the beast, had Dora's evil sidekick, Backpack, not intervened to stop the crime-fighter. Pikachu and Charlie Brown also stepped in, but only to aid the adventurer in her reign of terror.

After its fellow balloons' failed attempts to stop her, NYPD groups and SWAT teams were brought in to tranquilize the overgrown beast, ending the ruckus. "This is the greatest tragedy to hit New York since 9/11," NYPD police officer Michael Ricardo said. "I'm just glad it didn't escalate to something bigger."

Area Woman Panics After Getting Fingers Stuck in Chinese Finger Trap

JACKSONVILLE, FL- Area woman Janice Turnpike, 39, panicked today after getting her fingers stuck in a Chinese finger trap. "I don't know why I keep using those things," she said. "Every time, I get my finger stuck and I always think I'll never get it out." According to household reports, Turnpike panicked for minutes after struggling to get her finger free. "She was runnin' all around, sayin' she'll never use her fingers again," said husband David. "She kept sayin' they would have to amputate her fingers and stuff."

Turnpike reportedly found the finger trap in her toddler's playthings, then proceeded to put it on. After applying the device, she tried to remove it, a task which she apparently could not do. "Man, I was so freaked out," she said. After several minutes of attempting to take it off without assistance, she reportedly got nervous and attempted to run hot water over it. "I put my hand under the sink, and turned it on," she commented. "It works with pickle jars. I thought it might work." After her attempt failed, she reportedly whispered, "Holy crap," as she came to a supposed realization that this could be the end for her index fingers. She then reached for the scissors, but remembered that she couldn't cut it, since her fingers were in there. After realizing her desperate state, she began banging her hands against the counter top in a futile attempt to break the toy. Several minutes later, her hair ruffled and her eyes bloodshot, she curled up into a ball on the kitchen floor and started crying. "WHYYY?!?!" she shouted, as she promised herself never to use one of the contraptions again. "Why did I put that on? WHY!?" Her husband came downstairs after hearing her pleas. He then proceeded to show her the proper way of removing it. "Oh, David!" she said in a grateful show of emotion. "Thank you! I'm so glad I didn't have to cut my fingers off!"

After the "most harrowing seven minutes" of her life, Turnpike had this to say: "I'm just glad I can actually use my fingers still. At least I didn't have to resort to stomping on my own hand or putting it in a blender or something."

No News Today

ALL OVER THE WORLD- We're sorry, but unfortunately no newsworthy or especially relevant events have taken place in the past 24 hours anywhere across the globe. That's right- no wars, no new presidential cabinet selections, no new groundbreaking studies, no amazing discoveries, nd no special celebrity appearances on Saturday Night Live. "Nothing has really happened around here," said Stanford scientist Dr. Evan H. McGregor, PhD.

When contacted for information on new developments in his life after the presidential campaign, former candidate Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) relied, "Well, I tried those new foot pads my doctor gave me. But that's about it. Oh, I also forgot to take my medicine yesterday."

Even in the sports world, things seem to remain constant and unsurprising. Alabama (for some reason) is still No. 1 in the college football AP poll, asm well as the BCS standings. There have been no major upsets in recent weeks, and the polls ahve remained largely the same. Oh yeah, and the Titans are still undefeated.

So, yeah, other than that, nothin' really happened today. Soooo... (cough). Yeah. Um.... I don't really have anything else to say. So yeah. How are things with you? How's the move going? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And the parents? Mm-hmm. So the dog's doing well. How 'bout this weather, huh? Yeah, man. You're tellin' me. Yeah... so, yeah. Huh, you can say that again.

We regret not being able to bring you any news today. Please forgive us for letting this uneventful day pass by. So, anyway, to make it up to you, here's this thing. Isn't it cute??

Point/Counterpoint

Point


I Bet I Could Sex Her Up Real Good


by Jay Morelli





Ooooo, check out that as#! Uh, I could have a lot of fun with her, if you know what I mean. Mmmm, look at that! I know what I would do if I got that as# to myself. Mmmm, da#n! I wish I could get my eyes on those boobies! I bet she's so horny right now... Mmm, what I would do with her in bed... wow.


I could have a lot of fun with her! Hours and hours of wild, crazy f@#$ing, just me and her, together. Mmm, gimme somea that!


I mean, just look at that a$s! Wow! I could give her all the pleasure she wants! Mmm, that's the kind of girl I could picture myself goin' at it all night with...





Counterpoint


He Looks Like The Man I Could Spend The Rest of My Life With


by Audrey Mariel





Ooooo, check out that face! That's the kind of looks I'm lookin' for in a man! I could have a lotta fun with him after dating for five months, getting married, and considering our future and financial stability together, if you know what I mean.


Mmmm, look at that! I know that he looks like the kind of responsible, trustworthy man I could buy a house, start a family and spend the rest of my life with! Dang! I wish I could get my eyes on his body, after courting and getting married, that is. I bet he's so eager to start a family right now... Wow, the parenting team we would make... mmm.


I could have a great future with him! Years and years of great, amazing marital faithfulness, just me and him. Wow, give me some of that!


I mean, just look at that cool, calm demeanor! Wow! He's just the type of emotionally stable man I could use in my life! I bet he could give me all the emotional stability I need to balance myself out! Wow, that's the kind of man I could picture myself asking out on a date, going out for six months with, getting married to, buying a house with, starting a family with, and spending the rest of my life with...

Under Racial Pressure, Redskins Change Name To 'Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen'

WASHINGTON, DC- The Washington Redskins have just announced today that, due to growing pressure from racial equality groups, they have changed their name to the Washington Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen.

"The Washington Redskins have officially changed their name to Washington Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen," Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen Owner Dan Snyder said. "We felt this was the right thing to do, and we shouldn't put it off anymore."

The Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen had come under fire from racial equality groups in recent years, and the pressure had only gotten worse the past two years. In 2006, the National Association for Indian Rights (NAIR) protested the team's former name. "This is a disgusting misrepresentation of the Native American people," NAIR President Tom Martin said of the team's former name at the time. When the team ignored the NAIR's complaints, they decided to boycott the Redskins' games for the 2007 season. However, this did not have much of an effect.

"To be honest, we just wanted those m@#!?!#@!kers out of our hair," Snyder said. "I'm glad we can move on now."

When informed of the team's new nickname, Martin said, "WHAT?!" and beat the reporters away with a shovel.

Ask A First Grade Teacher

by Miss Robinson

Dear First Grade Teacher,

My husband is driving me nuts! Whenever I get dinner ready at 5:00, he's not there to eat what I've been slaving away at all day. Whenever we make plans to go out, he calls me saying he's got to postpone because he's going to be home late. And whenever he is around, all he wants to do is watch TV! He never wants to spend time with me! How can I get him to notice me?

-Frustrated in Ft. Lauderdale

Dear Frustrated,

Okay, class: 9+9 is what? Jimmy? What was that? Noo, not seventeen. You're close, though! Melissa! Uuu, so close! Johnny? Yes, that's right! Good job, Johnny! Now, who can tell me what this is? Jessy! Yes! Alright, Jessy! Way to go! I think she deserves a sticker for that, what do you think, class? Here you go, Jessy! Way to go! Alright, who can solve this one? Anybody? Drew! What was that? Oh, so close! Jake! Yeah! Good job!

Dear First Grade Teacher,

I love my friend a lot. But he just doesn't seem to understand that I need some personal space! Whenever I'm at home, he calls, asking if he can come over. Whenever we're at work, he tries to talk to me all day. I really like him as a friend. He's a cool guy. But how can I get him to understand that I can't talk to him all the time?

-Overwhelmed in Oshkosh

Dear Overwhelmed,

Okay! On to spelling! Who can tell me how to spell the word, 'dog?' Jimmy? No, not an a... Leslie! Yes, that's right! Okay! What about 'zebra?' Tommy! Alright! Yeah! Okay, here's a toughie: spell 'water!' Jimmy? Uu, almost! There's no i! Try again? Yeah! Good job! High five! Okay, on to another word... let's see here, 'car!' Joshua! That's right! You're so good!

Dear First Grade Teacher,

My boyfriend and I love each other very much. We were trying to resist the temptation to have sex before marriage. Unfortunately, we had a breakdown one day and failed to stay abstinent. Now I'm pregnant! Should we go ahead and get married? Or should we take our time?

- Surprised in Sycamore

Dear Surprised,

Okay, time for recess! Who's our line-leader today? Let's see... Jimmy! Alright, Jimmy, c'mon up here... What's that? No, you were the line-leader last week, Merissa. It's Jimmy's turn this week. I know, I know... you'll get another chance later on. Don't worry. Hey, you know what? You can be second in line! How's that sound? Huh? Yeah, get up there! Alright, has everybody got their snacks together? Oh, does anybody have an extra snack to loan Tommy? Anybody wanna share? Hmm? Awww, look at that!

Dear First Grade Teacher,

My parents are always coming over! No matter whether I invite them or not, they just seem to pop up at our house whenever they feel like it! I love my parents, but I'm a 43-year-old woman! It's getting almost unbearable. I can't stand it anymore? What do I tell them?

- Fed Up in Fargo

Dear Fed Up,

Oh, Johnny, don't do that! No, don't jump off the swing like that! You could hurt yourself! Next time, just get off, okay? Thank you. I don't want you getting hurt! Joey, why are you crying? What's that? Hang on, hang on... okay now, slow down and tell me what happened. Why did he do that? Timmy! Come here, please! Why did you push Joey off the monkeybars? Why couldn't you ask him to move? Next time, just ask him, okay? He got hurt, okay? We don't want him getting hurt! Okay, you two go play!

Miss Robinson is a North Dakota first grade teacher whose advice column, Ask a First Grade Teacher, runs in over 700 million newspapers nationwide.

Area Fifth-Grader Repeats Word 'Sucks' Ten Times Just So People Will Notice

MEMPHIS, TN- Area fifth-grader Joey Backhouse, 11, repeated the word 'sucks' 10 times in a span of two minutes today, just so people would hear his mention of the word 'sucks.' "That sucks," the boy said, after hearing of his friend's bad weekend. After no one else on the playground seemed to hear him, he repeated the phrase again, more quietly. After still receiving no noticeable attention, Backhouse said, "That really sucks!" He then reportedly kept revising his statement and repeating it over and over until he concluded that no one was going to pay attention.
"Apparently, this was a desperate plea for attention," said Jon Whittenhouse, PhD., author of the parenting book, 'The Need For Cool: Why Your Child Needs Peer Acceptance and Why They Will Shout Anything To Get It.' "It seems as though Joey just wanted to seem 'cool' by the use of a 'big-kid' word. Unfortunately, he failed."

Area Philosophy Teacher Announces Plans To Be A Complete @$$hole

BROOKLYN, NY- Area philosophy teacher Nate Riverline, 29, announced his plans today to be a complete @$$hole during class. "Yeah, I'm gonna talk about Plato's influences on today's modern mindset," the complete jerk said. "Then I'll probably go off into Aristotle's categories of rhetoric." Area college student Joe Vonnewfritz, 20, who attends Riverline's class at Brooklyn Community College, protested the decision. "That guy's a complete @$$hole," he said. "I only signed up for that class because I had to. He's such a condescending jerk." The complete butthole also announced plans to keep on being a complete butthole for the rest of his life.

Apocalypse Area Necrophiliac's Greatest Fantasy

OMAHA, NE- According to area necrophiliac Jeremy Greene, 36, the Apocalypse would be his ultimate sexual fantasy. "Man, the Apocalypse... that would be awesome," he said, as he was vigorously masturbating. The Apocalypse, in which Greene believes that the dead will be raised, cannot come soon enough for him. "Man, just think of all those hot dead bodies walking around! Ugh, man!" As of press time, none of Greene's three friends could ever understand "why he gets hot about zombies."

What Do You Think Area Father Is, Made of Money?

BOISE, ID- According to reports, what do you think area father is, made of money? "What do you think I am, made of money?" said area father John Smith when his daughter asked him for cash to go to the movies. The report also stated that maybe she should use her own money, since she has that job. By the way, did she pay area father back?, the report asked. According to previous reports, trees do not grow money, and if you only have ten dollars left, maybe you should skip the Ferris wheel.

Man With Black Mask Wanted For Local Crime

BRONX, NY- A man with a black mask is wanted for a local crime today. The man, who is unidentified, was seen by eyewitnesses wearing all black and carrying a gun. According to authorities, the man is 5'0"- 6'11", aged 20-50, and either has black, brown or blonde hair. "He has blue eyes," local police officer Don Blaylock said. "Or maybe they're green. I don't know." The man, or maybe it's a woman, has reportedly been seen all around the country, including at a gas station robbery in Des Moines, a theft in Philadelphia, a murder in New York, a shoplifting incident in Nashville, an armed assault in Atlanta, grand theft auto in Los Angeles, drug possession in Knoxville, robbery in Seattle, threatened bombing in Birmingham, murder in New Orleans, assault and battery in San Francisco, armed robbery in Detroit, resisting arrest in Providence, attempted assassination in Dallas, and drug possession in Louisville.

Area Packrat Might Need That Later

DETROIT, MI- Area packrat Ryan Stewart, 35, stopped you from throwing away that thing in your garage today, claiming he may need it later. "I might need that sometime down the road," said Stewart, who keeps every newspaper, receipt, and piece of junk mail he has received in the last year in a pile at his house. In addition, he also has a stack of every science test and quiz he has taken since seventh grade in his closet. Although you see no possible use for the object, or his stash of old gum wrappers, you gave it to him anyway, claiming, "Okay, whatever."

AREA TEEN FOUND GUILTY OF DISCUSSING ACT ESSAY TOPIC WITH FRIEND

PROVIDENCE, RI- Local teen Jake Houshmeier, 16, was found guilty today of discussing the ACT essay topic with a friend, sources reported.

The decision was made after a series of court appearances and appeals, which eventually led to the Supreme Court's trial.

According to reports, Jake was "hanging out" with his friend, Blake, on Saturday after taking the ACT standardized test. The two were watching football, and Blake asked him how the test went. "Oh, it was okay, I guess," Houshmeier responded. "It was pretty easy. Just kinda boring. The essay topic was stupid, though. It was -----------------------------------------."

After local authorities gained awareness of the incident later that day, they reported it to the ACT headquarters in Iowa. Not only was Houshmeier arrested the next day, but legal action was brought against him by the higher-ups at the ACT company. "We cannot have public knowledge of confidential information like this just floating around everywhere," said an ACT spokesperson, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "What are they going to do next? Discuss the details of the social sciences section?" He then shuttered in horror.

According to Riverside High School teacher Mrs. Bonworth, who administered Houshmeier the test, Jake had been informed that "you can't discuss the details of the test. Please. Really. It's prohibited. It's really, really not good," before taking the test. "I did all I could," said Bonworth. "I'm just sorry he had to go and do this."

When informed of the incident, Jake's friend Jonathan replied, "Jake did this? Ooooo. Busted." Jake's ex-girlfriend, Melanie, replied, "Good. Finally got what he deserves." His other friend, Ryan, said, " Ooo, dang. He is so grounded."

Houshmeier is scheduled to be on Death Row starting tomorrow. His death by lethal injection is expected to come within ten days.

No One In Crowd Admits To Thinking of Chanting, "Airball!"

SPRINGFIELD, IL- Fans at a local middle-school-league basketball game were all reluctant to admit that they had thought briefly of chanting, "airball!", when a shot by Lion Heart Academy eighth-grader Jeremy Fintas missed the net entirely. The shot, which came in a game played against the New Found Christian Academy, caused fleeting thoughts of possibly shaming the 13-year-old by pointing out his shortcomings in a loud, mocking tone to appear in the New Found fans' minds. After the shot flew past the net and out of bounds, the brief thought of chanting the word popped up in the minds of every New Found parent and student in attendance, although it never came to fruition. The thought was also not spoken of whatsoever until one man mentioned it after the game, although there was an awkward unspoken understanding that they had all contemplated the shameful act. "I mean, c'mon, people, everybody knows you thought about it," said Jon Evans, parent of New Found player Rodney Evans. "Yeah. I thought about it. But c'mon, we all did."

Nation Wakes Up From Dream

UNITED STATES- The nation woke up today from a dream that had been continuing for several months now. Among other things, the dream included an economic crisis, the Phillies winning the World Series, and, in a grand finale, a black man being elected President of the United Sates. "Man, that dream was really freaky," US citizen Donald Trefino said. "I'm glad none of that stuff really happened."

The dream started with the warning signs of an economic crisis. After the stock market suffered intense losses, numerous other strange events happened, including the Tampa Bay Rays making it to the World Series, the Tennessee Titans going 9-0, and a climactic victory in the presidential election by Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL). "That was the scariest part," Maryland resident Dwight Patrick said, referring to the victory by Obama.

It only got weirder after the stock market collapse. The Tampa Bay Rays, who entered this season with an overall win-loss record of 645-972 in 10 seasons, made it to their first-ever World Series in the dream. Not only that, but the Phillies, who have not won the Series in 28 years, reached the Series and triumphed over the Rays. The Titans started 9-0, a feat that many football fans did not expect. "That part really weirded me out," said ESPN football analyst Ron Jaworski.

Finally, in a dramatic conclusion, a black man was elected President of the United States of America. Shortly after this was announced, the nation woke up from its horrific nightmare. "They announced the president, and then all of a sudden I jolted awake," said Phoenix, AZ resident Martha Butenhauer. "Then I realized it was all just a dream. Wooo, what a relief!"

After the nation woke up at 4 a.m. on Thursday morning, it checked its alarm clock. "What time is it?" said the country as it simultaneously checked the date and the time. It then turned on the TV to see if the dream's events had really happened. "Man, I'm glad that was just a dream," it said, after learning that everything was okay. "That was really weird."

.: ::. ::: ... ::: ... ... ... .:. ::. .::!

By A Blind Man



..:: ::..: :.:. .:. :::. ...: .:::::.. :. :. .: .:? :.:::. ..... ..: ::::: :.:.. :::::::::::. :::::::.::::: ::::::.:::::: :. .:: :.:. :.: .:: ::.::. :::::::::. ::::::..... .: .::: :.: :... :. ...:. ::.:: ::.:: :.:.: :::... ...::: ::::.... :.:.:.: ::::::::::::::: ................ :::: .... :.: .:: :... . : ::. .:: :: .:::::::::::. .: ::. ::: ... ::: ... ... ... .:. ::. .::!

:::..:. ::::: ..... .:: : .: . .::::: :::::. ..... :::::. :::::::: :.:. .:. :.: .:. :... .:::..... .:::: :.:.:.:.:.:.:.. :.:.: .:.:.:! ...............!? :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::????? ::::::::. :::::::::::::...... ....::.:.: :... :.: :.:.:.:.:. :::::::::. ::::::::::::::::::::::::. ....:...: .:.:.:.:.:.....:::...:::...:::. :::::::::::..... .:.!

:::....::: ::::::::.. .::. ::.:.: ::..:: :. ::..: .::.::.::...? :::...:?? ::::...:::: ::....::: :.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.? :::....:::?? ::::::::::::::! :::.........:::?! ::! ::!

... ::: .:.:. .:::.:::.:::.! ...? ...:::::....::::....::::. ..........................................................................................................!! ..::? ..

.........:: :::. :.:.:.: :.: .:. :.:. :.. ...: :::... ::::. .:. .:. .:. :.: :.: :::::.. .:: :. .::! ::..? ::::....::::! ::::....::::.... :::. ::. ..:: ::::... ..: ..:: ..:: ...::: .:? ...: :. .: .: .: .:! ......:: :.. : . : ::. .:.. ....:. :::...:.:.. ....! ::::? :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::!!!!! ..: :.... .:: .: :... :. :.: ...::: :.:.:.: ::..... ....: ..:.. .:... .:::: ::... :::::! :::.. .:: :.. :.. .:: .::? :.:. .:: .:: .::::: ::. :::..: ....:.? .....::::::! ::::....::::: ..... ::::: :: :. ... .::: .::: .:.: .:.:.. ............!!!??? ......: ::. :::.: :... ...: ......:... .::: :. :.! :... .....::.. ...::.. ...... ... .::.::. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::!!!!!?????

Stem-Cell Research Okayed By Bush- 'You Haven't Lived 'Til You've Tried this Pie," Bush Says

WASHINGTON, DC- In one of his final acts in office, President Bush lifted the limits on stem-cell research today due to his belief that life begins not at conception, but at one's first taste of his grandma's delicious apple pie.
"You haven't lived 'til you've tried this pie," said Bush, as he took a bite. "Mmmmm."
The pie, which was baked by Bush's grandmother on Monday afternoon, features what the president called a "delicious apple flavor" and "crispy texture" that is unrivaled in other pies.
In a press conference this afternoon, Bush said, "It is my firm belief that life officially begins when you try this pie. I know I've said life begins at conception, but trust me: You haven't lived 'til you've tried this pie."
The announcement was met with mixed reaction, as pro-life groups were angered and shocked, while abortion clinic workers and stem-cell researchers praised the decision. "I cannot believe President Bush would do this," Right to Life President and CEO Barbara Hessuwer said. "He's backed us up so many years, and then poof, just like that, he changes on us."
As of press time, President Bush was unable to respond to his critics, as he was washing a bite down with a "good ol' glass of milk."

New Waffle House Opens, Ushering In New Era of Mediocrity; Grossness

EVANSVILLE, IN- A new Waffle House opened here today, ushering in a new era of mediocre food and unsanitary eating conditions. "We are glad to open this new hotbed of secondhand smoke and greasy disgustingness," said Waffle House co-founder Tom Forkner in a statement released yesterday. "Waffle House is happy to bring our tradition of grease-soaked food and public smoking to the great city of Evansville."

The new Waffle House, located on 123 East Bearden Drive, is reportedly going to offer the same low-price, low-quality menu items and unbearably smoke-filled conditions that patrons have come to know and love. It is even believed that the amount of annoying houseflies flying around and landing on people's food may double in the new eatery.

Not only will the food and environment remain the same, but the restaurant is slated to offer its trademark second-class yellowish-orb lighting system. The restaurant will probably also attract the same customer base, which is largely composed of cash-strapped Southern working-class smokers in their mid-20's to 40's.

"I'm thrilled," new Waffle House waitress Anina Jacobs said. "I've already tried the chili. Lemme tell ya- it's good. Most of the time."

McCain Kind of Glad He Didn't Win

FLAGSTAFF, AZ- Former presidential candidate Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) claimed today that he was kind of glad he didn't win the election on Tuesday. Although disappointed that he did not win, McCain was reportedly relieved that he would not have "all that responsibility and stuff."
When informed of Sen. Barack Obama's win, McCain grimaced slightly, but then gave a sigh of relief. "I'm disappointed, yeah, but I'm kinda glad also," he said. "My friends, I Have dne so much for this country and I always will. But I just don't know if I could take that kind of responsibiltiy. All those people to deal with? Man!

Good luck, Obama!"

Mickey Mouse Wins Presidency In Shocking Turn of Events

WASHINGTON,DC- In a shocking turn of events, Mickey Mouse, the famous Disney character who has appeared in such films as Fantasia and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse: Mickey's Treat, received enough write-in votes to win the presidency of the United States of America early Wednesday morning.


"This is a truly shocking day in U.S. history," CNN political analyst Wolf Blitzer said. "I think I speak for everyone when I say that we did not see this coming."




Mouse will be the first-ever animated president in U.S. history, as well as the first non-human in the Oval Office. His wife and fellow mouse, Minnie, will succeed Laura Bush as first lady. When informed of the improbable win today, Mickey, who received 51% of the vote, said, "Oh boy! Really? Hot dog! C'mon, Pluto! Let's go!"




Many political analysts had expected Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) to win because of his large lead in some pre-election polls. The polls, however, did not take into account the strong affect that write-in votes can have on an election. "We tried to make our polls as accurate as possible," Blitzer said. "Unfortunately, we just didn't think of America's most famous cartoon character . Don't underestimate Mickey."




Cartoon characters around the world are hailing the results. Fellow Disney character and friend Donald Duck said, "Oh boy! Good job, Mickey!" Goofy, another friend of Mouse's, also congratulated him. But it was not only his Disney colleagues who celebrated with him. Kermit the Frog, who can be seen in the Muppets movies, claimed, "This is truly a great day." The Smurfs sang, "Mickey-ee-ee-ey! Mickey-ey Mouse!" Scooby-Doo had this to say: "Rickey Rouse? Ralright! Gro, Rickey! Roohoo!" And Spongebob Squarepants, who lives in a pineapple under the sea, exclaimed, "Alright Mickeyyy! Woo-hoo! Go Mickey! Go Mickey! Go Mickey!"




Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Obama, although disappointed, accepted the defeat with grace. "If you're gonna lose to someone, lose to Mickey Mouse, right?" McCain commented.




"I can honestly say I did not see this happening," Obama said. "My opponent (McCain) and I would, I'm sure, love to congratulate him. But why didn't I think of running an attack ad on his relationship with the 101 Dalmatians? Or how his appearance and character have changed throughout the years? Darn it!"




Obama finished second in the polls, at 30%. McCain received 18% of the vote, while other candidates, such as Jesus, Uncle Sam, Fidel Castro, 'your mom', and Ralph Nader comprised 1%.

McCain Just Realized He Might Actually Get Elected

WASHINGTON, DC- In a campaign speech yesterday, presidential candidate John McCain realized that he might actually be elected to become president of the United States of America.
"I was just giving a routine speech, and then it hit me," the senator (R-AZ) said. "I could actually become president of the United States of America. The United freakin' States!"
After he had outlined his plan on health care, the assembled crowd applauded McCain. It was in that moment, he says, that he realized what was happening.
"I just got quiet for a minute while they applauded," he said.
"As I was just standing there watching them, it just hit me- I could become the leader of the United States! I mean, do you understand that? The freakin' States!"
After the speech, McCain reportedly went into the restroom of his bus and began pacing frantically about and hyperventilating.
"Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap," he said to himself over and over while pondering the possibility that he could actually become the freakin' president.
Although he knew he could become president, McCain said he hadn't really realized exactly what he could win until now.
"I mean, yeah, I understood what I was running for," he said.
"But, I don't know... it just hadn't hit me yet, you know? I mean, the president! Do you get that? The next George Washington! I mean, do you realize who I could be following in the footsteps of here? Lincoln, Jefferson... wow. That's some seriously huge crap right there."