Thursday, March 31, 2022
Area Racist: Only Black People Would Name Their Child Something "Exotic" Like "Benjamin"
MOBILE, AL-After seeing an African-American man named "Benjamin" on TV, area racist Joe Hagarty remarked, "Wow... only Black people would name their kid something that exotic." "Benjamin? What the hell kinda name is that?" Hagarty said. "I woulda been beaten alive with a name like that. My daddy sure wouldn't have named me somethin crazy like that. Sounds like some kinda damn candy bar." At press time, Hagarty was seen shaking his head as he read a magazine article about an African-American woman named "Melissa."
Wednesday, March 30, 2022
Report: You Caused Coronavirus
YOUR LOCATION- A new report issued Wednesday found that, through the butterfly effect, you, the reader, caused the original spread of coronavirus. "The findings of this report are that (your name) started spreading coronavirus when you turned left instead of right on your way to the grocery store on February 20, 2020. You should have turned right, you sick sonofabitch." The report also went on to blame you for the war in Iraq, global warming, and the 2010 Nashville flood.
Tuesday, March 29, 2022
Brandon Ingram: "I Sure Showed The Lakers!"
NEW ORLEANS, LA- According to former Los Angeles Lakers and current New Orleans Pelicans forward Brandon Ingram, he "sure showed the Lakers" in his team's win over LA on Sunday night, even though the team won a championship immediately after trading him. "Tonight, I showed the Lakers shouldn't have traded me by getting this win in a regular season game. I bet they would trade that championship they won without me for this win tonight." At press time, the LA Clippers were claiming to be "LA's new team," despite having never made a trip to the NBA Finals and the Lakers having won 17 NBA Championship trophies.
Kobe Bryant's Silence On State Of Lakers Deafening
LOS ANGELES, CA- Amid great trials and tribulations for the Los Angeles Lakers this season, their former star guard, Kobe Bryant, has been noticeably silent, causing many to note that he must be particularly troubled and discouraged by the Lakers' season. "All the sports commentators and great Lakers of the past have commented on the state of the Lakers this season, except Kobe Bryant. He must be taking this so hard," said ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith. "This must be the worst thing to happen to him in a long time." It has been noted that many Lakers greats have commented on the sorry state of the Lakers' season, who now stand at 31-43 and in 10th place in the NBA's Western Conference standings, in danger of falling out of the play-in race altogether. "I know Kobe is taking this so hard," said former Lakers point guard Magic Johnson. "In fact, he hasn't reached out to me in months. And I thought I was distressed over the season! Poor guy must be doing terrible." At press time, Lakers forward LeBron James vowed to track Kobe down to check on his mental health, or "die trying."
Will Smith Claims His Tethered Doppelganger Hit Chris Rock, Like In "Us"
LOS ANGELES, CA- Earlier Tuesday, a regretful Will Smith admitted that he made a mistake when he let his evil counterpart, Doug, attend the Academy Awards for him on Sunday and the doppelganger struck Chris Rock on stage after the comedian made a joke about the real Smith's wife. "I made a mistake when I let Doug attend the ceremony for me, and it ended up turning violent," Smith said in a statement. "Of course, Doug would not have cared about a joke made at my wife's expense, so maybe he thought the joke was made about his wife. Anyway, I made a mistake, and I take responsibility for it. Not the slapping, just the permitting my malevolent look-alike to attend, instead of taking responsibility and attending the event myself. And for this, I am very sorry."
