Questions Abound As To Whether Zaza Pachulia Intentionally Stabbed Kawhi Leonard

OAKLAND, CA- Following a play in Sunday's Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals, in which Golden State Warriors center Zaza Pachulia pulled out a knife and stabbed San Antonio Spurs forward Kawhi Leonard in the stomach, many people are asking if Pachulia meant to harm Leonard.
"I think [Pachulia] knew what he was doing," said Oklahoma City resident and longtime basketball fan Mark Kellery, adding that even if Pachulia unknowingly brought the knife to the stadium, took the knife out of his pocket, and stashed it in his sock while getting dressed for the game, he should have been "more aware" of his actions during the game.
"When you're out there on the court, you have to have an awareness of your actions and their ramifications, like taking a 7-inch Ginsu blade out of your sock, running toward a Spurs player, and stabbing it in his midsection as he leapt into the air for a jump shot," Kellery said. "You have to know that little actions like that can cause a lot of damage."
Many across the country are echoing Kellery's sentiments.
"This guy is just a reckless, airheaded individual," ESPN's Stephen A. Smith said Monday on his show, "First Take." "He may not have meant to injure Leonard in any way, but what did he expect to happen after he pulled that knife out and subsequently stabbed the man three times as he jumped into the air, and four more times after Leonard slumped to the ground in pain? Guys have to be more careful and more aware of their actions out on the court."
Leonard, however, defended Pachulia's actions, calling the stabbing an "honest mistake." "I don't think he meant to harm me," Leonard said. "He was just going all out on the play. I would've done the same thing."

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New Video Game Cheat Code Allows Player To Actually Be Good At Game

REDMOND, WA- It was revealed today that the as-yet-unreleased video game, Batman 3DS will feature a cheat code that allows the player to actually be good at the game, instead of relying on a bunch of cheat codes.
Nintendo of America President and Chief Operating Officer Reggie Fils-Aime had this to say: "At Nintendo, we always want our players to have access to special cheats that can unlock hidden nuggets. What better cheat than a cheat used so that you won't have to rely on cheats? It's genius!"
Upon hearing the news, millions of fans were clamoring for the new game, saying it will be great to have a game they won't have to cheat at, except for the cheat of being able not to cheat. Said one eager customer, "Thank goodness! I suck at all my other games, and have to use cheat codes. Now I'll have a game where I won't need them! Except maybe once."

Trump Declares "Raised Middle Finger" Official Hand Gesture of U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC- In his first act in office, today President Donald J. Trump declared the "Raised Middle Finger" the official hand gesture of the U.S.
"Today is a huge day for the middle finger," Trump said. "I have loved the middle finger my whole life."
The "Raised Middle Finger" beat out the likes of the "Okay Sign", the "Thumbs Up," the "Thumbs Down," and the "Wave" for the honor.

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Man Thought Phrase Was "Booze It Or Lose It"

NASHVILLE, TN- According to reports, area man David Laheim thought the phrase regarding drunk driving was "booze it or lose it."
"I was about to leave the bar, but I thought I better get a few more drinks before I started driving again," Laheim said. "You know, I didn't want to lose my license, or my freedom. The whole 'booze it or lose it' thing."
According to sources, Laheim was arrested almost immediately after he left the bar, as he ran over two kids and a small dog.