Wal-Mart Voted 'Most Depressing Place In U.S.' For Seventh Consecutive Year

BWNTONVILLE, ARKANSAS- For the seventh consecutive year, Americans have voted Wal-Mart as the "Most Depressing Place In The U.S.," according to a recent survey conducted by the American Research Group.
"This is great news," said Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke. "We hope to continue Wal-Mart's proud tradition of impersonal, machinistic environments, apathetic employees, and depressingly low prices for years to come."
Among reasons cited by those polled in the study were Wal-Mart's bland, white, windowless interior, the majority of the customer base consisting of depressed losers who have no hope in life, and the greeters, who are almost always surely on the last leg of their life, if not literally on their last leg.
"It's a pretty depressing place to be," said New York resident Aaron Shupelo, who claimed to only visit Wal-Mart when he needed low prices on all his favorite painkillers.
"For some reason, I have seen a much higher proportion of amputees at Wal-Mart than anywhere else I have ever been to. I mean, doesn't that just creep you out? And make you sad?"
Other reasons cited for Wal-Mart's atmosphere of despair: the low prices there, which serve as a constant reminder of the customer's lack of financial resources; depressed, lifeless, and disheartened employees; the lack of music, or any cheerful sound whatsoever, coming from the building; violent child-parent confrontations/screaming matches; the dreary tabloids found displayed visibly at the checkouts; and the high concentration of fat ladies sporting tight clothes and screen-printed bottom shorts.
"Some places are depressing because they remind you of a time in your life that you'll never get back," remarked Aaron Forsworth of Spring Hill, Colorado. "I wish I could say Wal-Mart reminded me of such a time, but...."
"This is an entirely different kind of depressing."
Wal-Mart beat out the likes of nursing homes, funeral homes, the Holocaust Museum, Waffle House, and Kansas for its envied position.
When informed of the achievement, local Wal-Mart electronics department employee Bryon said, "Umm... I duno. Ask Brianna."

Stuff Just Not Going Right For Area Man Lately, You Know?

ALBUQUERQUE, NM- It was reported today that stuff is just not going right for area man Rick Ross lately, you know? "I dunno, it seems like things just aren't going my way these days," he said. Ross, a 29-year-old bookseller at the local Barnes & Noble, is just having a tough time lately, okay? You know how it is. You got work, you got family, you just gotta bunch of stuff you gotta take care of, you know? It's like, can't you get a little alone time here? Anyway, stuff has just been crazy lately. Like, just the other day, Ross spilled coffee all over his shirt, and the guy was really wanting his coffee and being a total jerk and stuff and just started shouting at Ross and everything. Man, it was not pretty. And, man, that's not the end of it, either. Just Monday, this customer was like all screaming at Ross and stuff, and it's like, man, give him a minute, you know? Plus, problems at home and all this crap... it's crazy, dude. And it's not like Ross did anything wrong or something, you know? I mean, the guy is just trying to support his family, and all this- oh, hold on, Ross has got to take this call. Yeah, this is- Oh, what's that? Oh- oh my goodness. Crap- Ross' mom's in the hospital? Oh crap. What else can go wrong?..........

Oh.

Oh man. Sorry, gotta go.

Report: F#cking Celtics

AUSTIN, TX- According to a report made earlier this evening by Austin resident Jon Refarce, f#cking Celtics. "Stupid f#cking Celtics," Refarce said after the Boston Celtics beat the Orlando Magic in Game 5 of the NBA Eastern Conference semifinals on Tuesday night. "What a bunch of dumbf#cks."
The report went on to explain how the Celtics always f#cking get their way with s*it and how he's so f#cking tired of it, the dumba$$es.

Man Not Really Sure How To Pronounce 'Van Nuys'

PHILADELPHIA, PA- Area man Frank Kallendar, 35, is reportedly not really sure how to pronounce the latter word in the Los Angeles district name of Van Nuys. "Is it like, 'noise'? Or,'news'? Or what?," a perplexed Kallendar asked no one in particular after coming across the title of the community in the San Fernando Valley region of LA. "Or is it like, 'newies' or something? I doubt it would be like 'noose' or anything like that." The man said he actually looked up how to pronounce it on the computer once before, but all he got were "these weird little symbol things."

Man Pushes Luck With Fast Food Cup Capacity Again

AUSTIN, TX- Area man Luke Jefferson, 46, pushed his luck again today with the amount of soft drink his paper cup could hold. Jefferson, who routinely visits the CiCi's Pizza on North Lamar Boulevard for lunch, decided to go all out when filling up his cup with Cherry Coke at the soft drink dispenser. Although he had already filled the cup almost to the brim, Jefferson, who describes himself as a "giant risk-taker," decided to take his chances with one more push on the back of the trigger labeled "Cherry Coke." "After that last fill-up, I couldn't get my top on without a bunch of Coke pourin' out the top and goin' all down my cup and everything," the man said exasperatedly. "This happens every time." Jefferson then went on to recall the time, as a kid, when he was "making a Suicide" and reluctantly had to pour out all the root beer portion of his concoction in order to fit the cap on. "That's just one time," he said. "I could go on and on for days." Jefferson smirked, wondering why "silly [him] always repeats the same darn mistakes." In order to solve his problem, Jefferson ended up pouring out some of his ice into the grated deposit at the bottom, although he could've just gone without a top in the first place.

No One Told Houston They Were Supposed To Let Air Force Win The Armed Forces Bowl

FORT WORTH, TEXAS- After a 34-28 win over the Air Force Falcons on December 31, 2008 in the Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl, it was revealed that, apparently, no one told the Houston Cougars that they were supposed to let Air Force win their own freakin' bowl game. "Honestly, I didn't even think of it," said Houston head coach Kevin Sumlin, after being informed of the expectations. "I guess it makes sense. To be honest, I was just thinkin' of winning the game."

Millions of fans, analysts and military veterans were shocked after seeing the conclusion of the game. "I just assumed they would fumble on purpose and let the Falcons get it for a touchdown or somethin," said Vietnam vet Terry Shaw, 75. "I couldn't believe they actually blatantly won the game. Those punks."

Many inside military circles are calling Houston's intentional win a "slap in the face." Even the President has taken to expressing his views. "I respect the University of Houston and their great athletic programs," President Bush commented. "As a matter of fact, my daughter's friend went there.

But this is uncalled for. I must say, I am disappointed in both the university and the coaches and players for disgracing our great military like this. It was just uncalled for."

When reached for further comment, Sumlin said, "Mmm. Wow. The president got in on this? That's pretty big. Um, again, I apologize, but me and my team had just been doing what we had been doing all year. That's winning football games. Again, we weren't thinking. Please accept our apology."