Wal-Mart Voted 'Most Depressing Place In U.S.' For Seventh Consecutive Year

BWNTONVILLE, ARKANSAS- For the seventh consecutive year, Americans have voted Wal-Mart as the "Most Depressing Place In The U.S.," according to a recent survey conducted by the American Research Group.
"This is great news," said Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke. "We hope to continue Wal-Mart's proud tradition of impersonal, machinistic environments, apathetic employees, and depressingly low prices for years to come."
Among reasons cited by those polled in the study were Wal-Mart's bland, white, windowless interior, the majority of the customer base consisting of depressed losers who have no hope in life, and the greeters, who are almost always surely on the last leg of their life, if not literally on their last leg.
"It's a pretty depressing place to be," said New York resident Aaron Shupelo, who claimed to only visit Wal-Mart when he needed low prices on all his favorite painkillers.
"For some reason, I have seen a much higher proportion of amputees at Wal-Mart than anywhere else I have ever been to. I mean, doesn't that just creep you out? And make you sad?"
Other reasons cited for Wal-Mart's atmosphere of despair: the low prices there, which serve as a constant reminder of the customer's lack of financial resources; depressed, lifeless, and disheartened employees; the lack of music, or any cheerful sound whatsoever, coming from the building; violent child-parent confrontations/screaming matches; the dreary tabloids found displayed visibly at the checkouts; and the high concentration of fat ladies sporting tight clothes and screen-printed bottom shorts.
"Some places are depressing because they remind you of a time in your life that you'll never get back," remarked Aaron Forsworth of Spring Hill, Colorado. "I wish I could say Wal-Mart reminded me of such a time, but...."
"This is an entirely different kind of depressing."
Wal-Mart beat out the likes of nursing homes, funeral homes, the Holocaust Museum, Waffle House, and Kansas for its envied position.
When informed of the achievement, local Wal-Mart electronics department employee Bryon said, "Umm... I duno. Ask Brianna."

I Don't See What Black Guys See In Black Women

By Jeffrey Jacobs
White Guy

Okay, look. I'm a normal guy, right? I'm not crazy. I have good taste in the fairer sex, right? I'm down with the ladies. I like 'em. But, you see, something's kinda confusing me. The thing is- I don't see what black guys see in black women.
It's just, you know, black women just don't seem as hot to me as white or Latina or Asian women. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just me, but I just don't see it. I mean, sure, they've got big booties. But, I mean- I don't know. It's just not doin' it for me.
Now, you African-American ladies out there- don't take this as me being against you or something. I like y'all as people. It's just, when it comes to looks- you're just not hitting the spot.
And look, there are some black ladies that are hot. I mean, there are exceptions just like with any other rule. But for the most part, that's just not the case.
But I guess that's why black guys always try to get the white girls, huh? And is it just me, or do black guys always go after white girls with blonde hair? I mean, I can understand- blondes are hot. But why not brunettes? Dirty blondes? Redheads? Oh, wait- don't even get me started on redheads.

Report: 98% of Ebert & Roeper-Reviewed Movies Given Two Thumbs Up

LOS ANGELES, CA- According to a new study, 98% of the movies reviewed by film critics Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper received a "Two Thumbs Up!" rating from them.
The study, which was conducted by Stanford University, found that among the 'Two-Thumbs-Up'-rated films, 65% were action films, 15% were horror films, and 20% were comedies. Among the 2 percent of non-Two-Thumbs-Up-rated movies, 99% were rated, "Two Thumbs WAY Up!"
"I guess it makes sense," said Stanford's Barry Guy, PhD. "I mean, I've never really seen any movies that don't say, 'Two Thumbs Up!- Ebert & Roeper' on the cover. I was actually expecting the percentage to be a bit higher, to tell you the truth."

Ebert & Roeper have given this article two thumbs up.

Area Man Not Actually Going To 'See You Later'

NASHVILLE, TN- Despite assurances from area record-store clerk Don Dingle, 34, made on your way out of the store that he would "see you later," you will never see him again in your entire life.
"I've never even seen that guy before. I don't even know his name," you said.
"How am I supposed to 'see him later?'"

Report: No One Even Knew WNBA Finals Was Going On

YPSILANTI, MI- The WNBA's Detroit Shock beat the Silver Stars of San Antonio, 76-60, on Sunday, to complete a 3-0 sweep and win the WNBA Finals, an event no one even knew was going on.
"Oh, the WNBA Finals just ended," remarked Los Angeles native Bill Johnson, after seeing a headline about it on espn.com while checking his fantasy football team. "That's cool, I guess... I didn't even know they were on."
In an online poll, 79% of the voters responded to the question, "Who will win the WNBA Finals?" with, "Is that on?" 20% responded, "That's, like, hockey or something, right?" 1% said, "Ohio State."
The playoffs, which began September 18, went by largely unnoticed in the public eye. From the Silver Stars' semifinals triumph over the Sacramento Monarchs, to the New York Liberty's series win over the Connecticut Sun, sports fans around the country were too focused on college football to even be aware of the playoffs. ESPN had originally planned to air the Finals, but then decided not to, saying it would not get good enough ratings.
Part of the reason for the public's ignorance is the fact that the WNBA decided not to advertise the Finals or the playoffs.
"We just decided it wouldn't be worth it," WNBA Commissioner Donna Orender said.
"We've done that before, and we still haven't managed a blip in the ratings. We figured it wouldn't have made a difference anyway."
The Nielsen ratings were the lowest they've ever been, while attendance at the games also suffered, mostly because people didn't know there were any games to watch or go to.
"If I had known, I would have watched maybe, like, a quarter of a game or something. Maybe," Johnson said.
Orender was just happy people actually watched.
"Honestly, I'm surprised," she said. "I didn't think anybody would watch, just because they didn't even know about it."
As of press time, it is believed that the only reason people actually knew about the Finals before they were over was because they flipped by it while waiting for Matlock to come on.

Local Dentist's Office Finds Success In New "Your Teeth Are So Disgustingly Yellow And Gross It Makes Me Wanna Barf" Advertising Campaign

MONTGOMERY, AL- Locally-owned dentist's office, "Smiling Stars", has reported phenomenal increases in revenue today, following the release of its new, "Your Teeth Are So Disgustingly Yellow And Gross It Makes Me Wanna Barf", advertising campaign.
"Why didn't we think of this before?", Dr. Stan Richards, Dds, said. "We've never had this many people come in before! It's like a dream come true!"
The campaign, which features billboards boldly proclaiming, "You know what? Your teeth are so disgusting, it makes me wanna barf looking at them. It's gross. Your teeth are so yellow, I thought you had replaced them with banana peels and corn. Yeah, I can't come up with good insults. But anyway. Yeah, they're that disgusting. You should really get them checked out, because they're so gross. And your breath smells like a freakin' wet dog, you sicko. You're a total loser. You're a sicko, you freakin' weirdo. Geek," and, "Don't ever smile at me again, you freak. It's disgusting," debuted last month, and the dentist's office that produced them has already seen a 40% increase in patient enrollment.
The ad campaign also features street signs, including a yellow one that proclaims, "See the color of this sign? Yeah. That's what color your teeth are, you sicko." At the bottom, the signs and billboards tout the company's logo and phone number.
In addition to the signs, television and radio ads are also featured in the ad campaign. One such TV ad, which runs on MTV, vh1, and other youth-oriented channels, features an attractive young female, who walks on to the screen, addressing the viewer. "So you wanna have a perfect smile like Audrina Patridge or Paris Hilton?", she inquires. "You wanna have that perfect set of teeth like David Cook? Ha! Yeah, right! Have you looked in a mirror lately, you pathetic, ugly loser? You're a disgusting slob! Your teeth are so yellow, even I can tell! And I'm on the freakin' TV! Imagine how it must be for people everyday to have to stare at your disgusting mouth, you loser! You're so gross! I'm gonna barf my head off! Uuugh!" After she walks off the screen feigning barfing, the company's logo appears, while a middle-aged male voice says, "Smiling Stars. Come visit us today, because if you don't, you'll be a gross weirdo for the rest of your life. So c'mon down, you loser."
One of the radio ads also features a male voice, saying, "Are you tired of being ridiculed for your teeth? Are you tired of everyone around you being completely disgusted whenever you so much as freakin' open your dang piehole? Are you tired of those disgustingly hideous yellow chompers? Well, too bad, loser! That's your lot in life! Unless you come to 'Smiling Stars', where everyone's a star! Even gross sickos like you!"
"Why didn't we think of this before, instead of telling kids to just, like, floss and stuff?" Richards wondered.
"Whenever they were leaving, we coulda just, like, told them, 'Okay, remember... Nobody likes you, you disgusting loser. And it's all because of your horribly revolting teeth. So come back whenever you [darn] well can, you hear me, you [freakin'] loser?' Man, I can't believe we didn't think of this before."

Presidential Rally Attendees Don't Realize Question Is Rhetorical

CONCORD, NH- Attendees at a John McCain presidential rally didn't realize yesterday that most of McCain's questions during his speech didn't require an answer and were self-fulfilling in nature. When McCain asked quite thoughtfully, "Who's gonna lead the nation to prosperity again? Me or (Barack) Obama?", he was not necessarily looking for an answer. However, the crowd responded passionately, "You!" or "McCain!", quite nearly killing the atmosphere the senator had created up to that point. Later in the speech, McCain outlined his opponent, Barack Obama's, position on oil drilling, then said,"My friends, is that the kind of leadership you want in Washington?" Half of the crowd responded with a sluggish, "No," or "I dunno."
When asked about the crowd's responses yesterday, McCain said, "Well, it made it kind of awkward, you know? Like, I was trying to emphasize how much more experience I have than Obama and I was like, 'How many years has Obama been doing this?' And then, people said, like, 'eight' and stuff. Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. You kinda just ruined the whole feel of the moment, ya know? They kinda missed the point."
It is widely believed that the awkwardness of the aforementioned moments could cost McCain several million votes, effectively ending his campaign.

Area Man Forced To Cut Favorite Podcast From iTunes

HENDERSONVILLE, TN- Local man Don Carr was forced to cut his favorite podcast, "SEC Football Today," from his iTunes synchronization list today to make room for other audio and visual related media on his iPod.
"Well, I have a 4-gig, and I was downloading a bunch of stuff today," Carr said.
"It's times like this that make me wish I had an 8."
This is not the first time Carr has been forced to downsize. Last month, he had to cut an album that he barely listens to, and last week, he was forced to cut over half of his family vacation pictures from a year ago.

Area Man No Car Expert Or Anything; He's Just Saying

WICHITA, KS- According to a report made by area resident Rob Bethel, he is not a car expert or anything; he is just saying. The report came after Bethel and his friend, George Wichina, experienced engine troubles in Bethel's car on a night out. As Wichina got out of the car and attempted to fix the problem, he instructed Bethel to turn the car off. Confused, Bethel responded, "Shouldn't it be on? I mean, I'm no car expert or anything; I'm just saying." Already frustrated, Wichina then reiterated his command. "Just turn the car off or I'll stick this freakin' wire up your butt, you smarta!#."

Bill Belichick Actually Smiles

SAN FRANCISCO, CA- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick smiled for the first time in his life yesterday, after a game against the San Francisco 49ers in Candlestick Park. The historic milestone came after the conclusion of his team's 30-21 win, after wondering for several minutes what the warm, tingling feeling he was experiencing deep within him was. "I felt this...happiness," remarked Belichick, when asked of the incident. "This... this joy that I hadn't felt before," he said as his eyes teared up. "I'm sorry... I-I didn't know I was going to get so emotional... I've never felt something like this before." Belichick then reportedly began skipping cheerily through a field of colorful flowers and singing with an anthropomorphic talking sun.

Porn Star Has Trouble Explaining Birds & Bees To Child

NEW YORK, NY- Porn star Brea Bennett had trouble explaining sexual intercourse to 6-year-old Ronny Wiler, one of her many illegitimate children, today. The incident started when Wiler, who was spending the day with Bennett, inquired curiously on the origin of children. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" Wiler asked. The question apparently caught Bennett off-guard. "Well, you see, sweety," she said, as she reportedly could not remember the child's first name, "when a man and a woman get really horny- er, I mean, love each other very much- they have a hot, steamy afternoon of blowjobs and gangbanging with their friends." After saying this, she realized her error. "Umm, I mean... they, um... you know?", she said as she struggled for words. "they just... umm... well, let's just say they have a hot, steamy night of sucking and f@#!ing... I mean, no... I mean they do it from behind, er... wait a minute... oh, gosh...." By this point, the boy was reportedly dazed and confused.

"Mommy, what's f@#!ing?" he asked.

"Um, well... forget I said that, honey... what they do is, they... uh, they... they... well, the woman, you see... she sucks and licks the man's hard, meaty c!ck until he cums all over her face, then she swallows his cum, and he licks her down real good, and then he sticks his d@#k in her, and they pound each other real hard, and... oh man, what am I saying? Honey, just go up to your room and play, okay?",she said, not sure what to do to make up for the vast amount of information she had just revealed to her son. "Why didn't I just tell him they come from storks or something? (Dang) it!"

Area Man Sorry For Dropping Derek Anderson

MANHATTAN, KS- Local man Dirk Vidschke was very remorseful Sunday after being forced to drop Cleveland Browns quarterback Derek Anderson from his fantasy football team's lineup due to Anderson's decline in production. "I'm sorry, Derek. It's nothing personal," Vidschke said, as he clicked the 'Drop' button next to Anderson's name. "We've had a good run, buddy. I love you. Thank you for all you've done." Vidschke then nearly shed a tear. Asked why he dropped Anderson, a tearful Vidschke responded, "(sniff) Well (sniff), Donovan McNabb's recent performance and Anderson's dropoff in recent weeks forced me to. I'm sorry, Derek! Forgive me!!!" Vidschke then slammed himself to the ground as tears flowed from his face, he tore his shirt, and shouted, "Woe is me! Forgive me! Forgive me, Derek, forgive me!!!"

Area Man Mad At Freakin' Pictures

DALLAS, TX- Area football fan Rob Jublowme was vehement today, as pictures of various products and logos of companies that sponsored the NFL on CBS directly blocked his view of the "super-hot" Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. "They were comin' back from a commercial break, and the camera was scannin' across a row of the cheerleaders on the sidelines," Jublowme recalled. "But the (dang) sponsors' pictures were coverin' up their complete and total hotness. Do they really think I would rather see that than Meghan's totally cute face? I mean, c'mon... I couldn't care less about the new Escalade hybrid." Sunday's incident is not the first time such an atrocity has happened, according to Jublowme. "The same (freakin') thing happened last week, with some stupid ad for deodorant or something. Yeah, that really makes me want to buy your product. Freakin' geniuses." Jublowme then reportedly tossed a pencil at the television.

Report: Steelers Own

PITTSBURGH, PA- According to a report made by local man Ron Turnshkey, the Pittsburgh Steelers "freakin' rock." The report, which came after a 35-7 win over their longtime rival Cleveland Browns, also went on to praise the Steelers' "rul[ing]" and "kick[ing] butt" status. "The Steelers own," Turnshkey said. In addition to Sunday's report, Turnshkey has also issued other reports on the Steelers' status in the past, which included their absolutely friggin' owning everyone in 2004 to their most awesome team ever status in 2005.

Hustle!

By Coach Jenkins

C'mon, Williams! Run!


We ain't gonna beat Richmond with that effort!


C'mon, fellas! We're goin' for state here!


Hustle,fellas,hustle!


C'mon, man! HIT! Hit 'em!


C'mon boys, hit 'em in the mouth!


Tackle 'im! C'mon, boys!


My grandma can hit better than that!


GOODWYN! Come 'ere, boy!


You can't let him get past you like that!


You gotta tackle 'em!


C'mon now! Get out there!


Let's go fellas! C'mon, now!


Let's go!!! C'mon!


We're goin' for state, fellas! We're goin' for state!


Let's go!


We gotta hit 'em out there!


RUN! Run, Williams, run!


Atta boy, Williams! There we go!


We gotta do some more of that, fellas!


Let's go!


Nice pass, Carter! Very nice!


Let's go!


Hustle, now, hustle!


Run!


We gotta give our very best now, guys!


Let's go, let's go, let's go!


Friday night, fellas!


Goin' for state!


No one gave us a chance, fellas! No one!


Let's go out there and prove 'em wrong!


C'mon, now!


We gotta hit 'em!


Hustle! Hustle, now, hustle!


C'mon!


Hurry up! Let's go, let's go, let's go!


C'mon now, guys!


We gotta hit 'em!


Hustle, now, hustle!


Alright, fellas, good!


Take a water break.


We gotta get back out there and hustle on Friday night!

Act Of 'Moving It' Enjoyed

WALLAWALLA,WA- According to a report made by moviegoer Tom Belinsky, the act of "mov[ing] it, mov[ing] it" on Tom's part is a higly pleasurable act. "I like to move it, move it," a pleased Belinsky exclaimed. The act of "mov[ing] it" is apparently very enjoyable, considering Belinsky's emphatic repetitions of the phrase in a fun, sing-songy tone. At one point, Belinsky paused after saying, "You like to..." in an attempt to get the other moviegoers to finish the lyric. The bystanders said, "Excuse me," or just pushed their way past Belinsky as he finished the line himself.

Area Man Proud To Live Near First Baptist Church

TULSA,OK- Area technician Dave Lester, 43, is proud to live near the first-ever baptist church. "It's a great honor," Lester said. "I never knew our town was renowned for so great a thing. Our claim to fame, you know."
The historic church is located on 2342 East Barden Drive. It was built in 1985.
"Yeah, that's weird... I thought the Baptists started before then. Maybe they just, like, met at each other's houses, or something before then."
Controversy has erupted, though, over the Tulsa church's claim as being the first-ever baptist church. Churchgoers from Los Angeles, New York, Nashville, Albuquerque, Green Bay, Lanedale, Kansas; Cool Springs, Tennessee; various areas in Nebraska, a small unnamed community in North Dakota, a rural town in South Alabama, and various other places scattered throughout the southeast, all claim to have the first baptist church in their hometowns.
One man from Murfreesboro, Tennessee claimed, "Well, there's that place over near the square. They claim to be the first baptist church, so I guess I believe them."
Several lawsuits have been considered by the towns with the "first" baptist churches. The various chambers of congress, however, have decided against legal action, claiming it would not be worth it.
Even more perplexing to Lester is the fact that Tulsa also contains the Third Baptist Church. "I had no idea this town had so much history to it," Lester observed. "By the way, where is the second baptist church?"
There are approximately 50,079 other "third" baptist churches around the nation. As of press time, apparently no one has ever seen the second baptist church.

Everyday Life Rated PG-13

WASHINGTON,DC- The MPAA has just released a PG-13 rating for everyday life. Everyday life, a common experience shared by every living organism on the planet, has been deemed inappropriate for children under 13 without parental supervision.
"We judged everyday life by the same criteria we do all our other reviewed media," MPAA spokesman Antonio Lycman said. "We came to the conclusion that parental supervision is strongly suggested for living children under 13."
Some of the objectionable content leading to the rating are "strong violence, intense sequences of horror and terror, gore, sexual content, nudity, innuendo, crude humor, drug use, teenage drinking, fantasy/cartton violence, strong language, sexual references, tobacco use, drinking, teen sex, intense action violence, and smoking."
"There are long, intense sequences of violence in life," Lycman stated.
"Not only that, but drug use and sex were both heavily present in life."
Asked why the popular for of existence did not receive an R rating, Lycman said,
"We feel that would have been inappropriate. We can't not allow children under 17 into life. It would be highly impractical."
The announcement has had a profound impact on parents and family life around the nation. "I used to just let my daughter go to school alone every day, without my supervision," 43-year-old Todd Blackman said of his 8-year-old daughter, Samantha. "Now that they finally came out with a rating, I'm probably going to have to go everywhere with her now. Who knows what she may face out there?"
The impact that everyday life has had on today's culture, especially the youth, is not hard to see, Lycman said. "Teen sex is rampant in our high schools and college campuses everywhere," said Lycman. "drugs have had a devastating imapct on much of the population, and all one must do is turn on the news to see the violence that happens today as an effect of the violent content of everyday life."
Although life has been deemed appropriate with parental supervision for those under 13, some parents have expressed caution in what their children see. "I don't want my kids exposed to that," 53-year-old mother Patricia Felton said before brutally beating her tween daughters in an attempt to discourage their interest in experiencing life.
When informed of the acts of Felton and other parents, Lycman said, "Well, if that's true, that may raise the objectionable content level in life to an R."