Wal-Mart Voted 'Most Depressing Place In U.S.' For Seventh Consecutive Year

BWNTONVILLE, ARKANSAS- For the seventh consecutive year, Americans have voted Wal-Mart as the "Most Depressing Place In The U.S.," according to a recent survey conducted by the American Research Group.
"This is great news," said Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke. "We hope to continue Wal-Mart's proud tradition of impersonal, machinistic environments, apathetic employees, and depressingly low prices for years to come."
Among reasons cited by those polled in the study were Wal-Mart's bland, white, windowless interior, the majority of the customer base consisting of depressed losers who have no hope in life, and the greeters, who are almost always surely on the last leg of their life, if not literally on their last leg.
"It's a pretty depressing place to be," said New York resident Aaron Shupelo, who claimed to only visit Wal-Mart when he needed low prices on all his favorite painkillers.
"For some reason, I have seen a much higher proportion of amputees at Wal-Mart than anywhere else I have ever been to. I mean, doesn't that just creep you out? And make you sad?"
Other reasons cited for Wal-Mart's atmosphere of despair: the low prices there, which serve as a constant reminder of the customer's lack of financial resources; depressed, lifeless, and disheartened employees; the lack of music, or any cheerful sound whatsoever, coming from the building; violent child-parent confrontations/screaming matches; the dreary tabloids found displayed visibly at the checkouts; and the high concentration of fat ladies sporting tight clothes and screen-printed bottom shorts.
"Some places are depressing because they remind you of a time in your life that you'll never get back," remarked Aaron Forsworth of Spring Hill, Colorado. "I wish I could say Wal-Mart reminded me of such a time, but...."
"This is an entirely different kind of depressing."
Wal-Mart beat out the likes of nursing homes, funeral homes, the Holocaust Museum, Waffle House, and Kansas for its envied position.
When informed of the achievement, local Wal-Mart electronics department employee Bryon said, "Umm... I duno. Ask Brianna."