Sunday, July 30, 2017
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Cancellation Of Erectile Dysfunction Medication Ads Could Lead To Thousands Of Men Shooting Their Dicks Off
PHOENIX, AZ- After the dissolution of the relationship between Pfizer and Lilly, the companies which make the erectile dysfunction medications Viagra and Cialis, and the NFL, and the subsequent cancellation of the companies' ads during football games, the nation's collective sufferers of four-hour-long erections will now have no clue what to do in order to help address this problem, leaving the horrified and perplexed men to their own devices to help address their priapism.
"Usually, the commercials tell men with erections lasting more than four hours to see a doctor right away," said noted Phoenix-area physician James Roberts. "But without these helpful ads, men will be completely in the dark about what to do with their horrifyingly long and painful erections."
Experts speculate that many men will at first be pleased by how long they can maintain an erection, but then be in such pain and misery that they will attempt to shoot their dick off.
Others will most likely take advantage of their situation and have sex with their wives for three hours straight, but after the fourth hour, become so preoccupied with their engorged penis that they too shoot their dicks off.
Others still are expected to pleasure themselves vigorously, but after the fourth hour comes, and they still have not managed to get rid of their huge boners, will also reportedly shoot their dicks off.
"We are looking at a penis-detachment pandemic the likes of which would make Lorena Bobbitt green with envy," said noted priapism specialist Dr. Steve Carson. "The country's men should know: If you sustain an erection for more than four hours, please, do not shoot your dick off. Just see a doctor."
"Usually, the commercials tell men with erections lasting more than four hours to see a doctor right away," said noted Phoenix-area physician James Roberts. "But without these helpful ads, men will be completely in the dark about what to do with their horrifyingly long and painful erections."
Experts speculate that many men will at first be pleased by how long they can maintain an erection, but then be in such pain and misery that they will attempt to shoot their dick off.
Others will most likely take advantage of their situation and have sex with their wives for three hours straight, but after the fourth hour, become so preoccupied with their engorged penis that they too shoot their dicks off.
Others still are expected to pleasure themselves vigorously, but after the fourth hour comes, and they still have not managed to get rid of their huge boners, will also reportedly shoot their dicks off.
"We are looking at a penis-detachment pandemic the likes of which would make Lorena Bobbitt green with envy," said noted priapism specialist Dr. Steve Carson. "The country's men should know: If you sustain an erection for more than four hours, please, do not shoot your dick off. Just see a doctor."
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Man Just Going Crazy With Sneezes
INDIANAPOLIS, IN- Area man Arthur Sanderson was reportedly going crazy with sneezes earlier today."Oh, Arthur? Yeah, he was just going bananas with sneezes earlier," friend and coworker Anne Carter told reporters.
The 29-year-old systems analyst had just finished eating lunch when, according to sources, he let out the "loudest sneeze you will ever hear." That was, of course, before his second sneeze, which led the group of coworkers seated at a nearby lunch table to correct themselves and dub the second sneeze as the loudest you will ever hear. "It was like an angry man screaming," colleague Aaron Lowder told reporters. "I was actually pretty frightened."
According to onlookers, the man then became bleary-eyed and left his mouth hanging open, while reportedly inhaling and coming close to sneezing many times, yet never reaching his intended goal of a completed sneeze.
After about 30 seconds of this, the man then sneezed again, followed by an additional 30 seconds of thinking he was about to sneeze. After that, Sanderson then let out a series of sneezes, which were weak and characterized by their extra sloppiness. He then went an additional 45 seconds of thinking he was going to sneeze, before releasing an extra string of sloppy, wet sneezes.
He then had to retrieve some Kleenexes from his desk.
"I feel really bad for him," said Elijah Sterling, who reportedly sits at the desk next to Sanderson's. "The whole office was watching as he let loose that series of snot-filled creations. Poor guy."
At press time, Sanderson had reportedly stopped sneezing for 15 seconds after retrieving the Kleenexes from his desk, yet started right back up again after that.
The 29-year-old systems analyst had just finished eating lunch when, according to sources, he let out the "loudest sneeze you will ever hear." That was, of course, before his second sneeze, which led the group of coworkers seated at a nearby lunch table to correct themselves and dub the second sneeze as the loudest you will ever hear. "It was like an angry man screaming," colleague Aaron Lowder told reporters. "I was actually pretty frightened."
According to onlookers, the man then became bleary-eyed and left his mouth hanging open, while reportedly inhaling and coming close to sneezing many times, yet never reaching his intended goal of a completed sneeze.
After about 30 seconds of this, the man then sneezed again, followed by an additional 30 seconds of thinking he was about to sneeze. After that, Sanderson then let out a series of sneezes, which were weak and characterized by their extra sloppiness. He then went an additional 45 seconds of thinking he was going to sneeze, before releasing an extra string of sloppy, wet sneezes.
He then had to retrieve some Kleenexes from his desk.
"I feel really bad for him," said Elijah Sterling, who reportedly sits at the desk next to Sanderson's. "The whole office was watching as he let loose that series of snot-filled creations. Poor guy."
At press time, Sanderson had reportedly stopped sneezing for 15 seconds after retrieving the Kleenexes from his desk, yet started right back up again after that.
Monday, July 3, 2017
Woman Nearly Struck Deaf by Sound of Towel Rack Rotating
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Women Can Either Be More Attractive or Smarter Than Man, But Not Both
HOUSTON, TX- According to sources, local man Jake Boushemy lets the women in his life be either more attractive or smarter than him, but not both.
"Jake has always been threatened by women who are smarter than him, at least if they're also better-looking," explained Boushemy's sister, Maria, whom Boushemy refuses to talk to, given her status as a reasonably attractive and well-educated woman.
According to family sources, all of the females in Boushemy's circle are either hot and dumb as rocks, or ugly and sharp as a tack.
"He brought a girl around here the other day who was fine as hell, but then she opened her mouth, and, well, let's just say she wasn't Einstein," reported Boushemy's friend, Josh Hornsby, referring to Emily, a girl Jake had been dating who believed that the answer to 2 plus 2 is 22.
Sources told The Newz that all of Boushemy's female friends were ugly and smart, however, all of his girlfriends had been extremely attractive and dumb as heck.
"Patricia, Melanie, Sarah, Rose... all dumb as fuck," Hornsby reported.
According to his sister, Boushemy once had a girlfriend who was both smart and sexually attractive, yet broke it off after realizing that she had gotten a higher score on the ACT than him.
Boushemy was once enthralled by a girl he met in a sixth-grade spelling bee, sources said. However, after she beat him in the academic competition, he decided not to pursue her.
"I don't need that bitch in my life," Boushemy reportedly said at the time. "I'm smarter than her anyways!"
When approached for comment, Boushemy's current girlfriend marveled at the microphone in front of her and asked if it was a robot penis.
"Jake has always been threatened by women who are smarter than him, at least if they're also better-looking," explained Boushemy's sister, Maria, whom Boushemy refuses to talk to, given her status as a reasonably attractive and well-educated woman.
According to family sources, all of the females in Boushemy's circle are either hot and dumb as rocks, or ugly and sharp as a tack.
"He brought a girl around here the other day who was fine as hell, but then she opened her mouth, and, well, let's just say she wasn't Einstein," reported Boushemy's friend, Josh Hornsby, referring to Emily, a girl Jake had been dating who believed that the answer to 2 plus 2 is 22.
Sources told The Newz that all of Boushemy's female friends were ugly and smart, however, all of his girlfriends had been extremely attractive and dumb as heck.
"Patricia, Melanie, Sarah, Rose... all dumb as fuck," Hornsby reported.
According to his sister, Boushemy once had a girlfriend who was both smart and sexually attractive, yet broke it off after realizing that she had gotten a higher score on the ACT than him.
Boushemy was once enthralled by a girl he met in a sixth-grade spelling bee, sources said. However, after she beat him in the academic competition, he decided not to pursue her.
"I don't need that bitch in my life," Boushemy reportedly said at the time. "I'm smarter than her anyways!"
When approached for comment, Boushemy's current girlfriend marveled at the microphone in front of her and asked if it was a robot penis.
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