So-Called Georgia Fan Didn't Even Vote For, Dedicate His Life To Herschel Walker

It Stalks, Terrorizes Donald Trump In Form Of Barack Obama

Merriam-Webster Updates Dictionary Definition Of 'School' To Include Presence Of Armed Shooter

Report: All Of Society's Ills Traced Back To Participation Trophies

Weird OCD Guy Washes Hands Once After Every Time He Uses The Bathroom

Texas Builds Border Wall To Keep Out Illegal Oklahoman Aliens

Murderer Not Arrested After Woman She Murdered Declines To Press Charges

Donald Trump Momentarily Dies, Experiences Hell For 10 Minutes

Confused Conservatives Thought January 6 Was Independence Day

Guy Who Used To Be Cool In High School Now A Republican

Report: Trump Claims Election Was 'Stolen' From Him Because Of All The Times Biden Would Steal His Lunch Money Growing Up

Jesus To Christians: What The FUCK Makes You Think I Would Support This Douchebag?!

 NEW YORK- Jesus made a surprise appearance on Earth today to ask the world's Christians what in holy hell would make them think that He would support Donald Trump. "Blessed are the meek... yeah, that guy's really meek," the world's savior said of the vain man who puts his own stupid name on everything. "Making fun of a disabled reporter? Inciting a coup because he didn't win a free and fair election? Grabbing women by the pussy? Befriending a statutory rapist? Sneaking peeks at naked women in a pageant dressing room? Calling Nazis "very fine people?" Befriending a dictator? Teargassing peaceful protesters to take a fake-ass photoshoot holding a Bible? Does any of this stuff sound like something I would do? The man couldn't even name his favorite part of the Bible in an interview, so he just said, "It's personal." Really?! You're not fooling anybody! Or, I guess you apparently are. Holy crap." At press time, Jesus told everyone not to even get Him started on the pee thing.

Republicans Claim Democrats 'Stole' 2020 Election By Having More Votes

Area Man Wonders Where Sun Goes At Night

The Same Team Winning The Super Bowl Every Year Of Its Existence: Could It Happen?

Amazon Introduces New "Did You Really Mean To Order This?" Packing Slips For Extra-Dumb Purchases

Nothing Republicans Say Or Do Surprises Area Man Anymore

Fire Pole Doubles As Stripper Pole At Fireman's Bachelor Party

Report: It Not Actually Going To Be Okay

Reading Energy Drink Ingredients Closest Area Man Ever Gets To Science

Donald Trump: Genius Or Not?

 

School Shooter Wouldn't Have Done It Had He Known Everyone Would Make Such A Big Deal About It

Woman Blames Temperature On Biden

Man Who Believes Everything He Hears On News, Woman Who Believes Nothing On News Come Together To Make Perfect Couple

Area Man Lives For Fast Food-Movie Tie-In Promos

Hockey-Mask-Wearing, Machete-Wielding Mitch McConnell: "Guns Don't Kill People, I Kill People"

 

Republicans: "Guns Don't Kill People, Doors Kill People"

Rest Of Mercury Players Travel To Russia, Get Detained As Show Of Solidarity With Brittney Griner

Phil Knight Offers To Buy Blazers Jersey For 2 Billion Dollars

Wayne Brady Wishes He Could Make A Deal For Once

Man Converts To Every Single Religion On Earth In Order To Cover His Bases

Area Man Isn't So Much Republican As He Is Anti-Democrat

Area Man Isn't So Much Democrat As He Is Anti-Republican

Republicans Block Domestic Terrorism Prevention Bill Because Of Course They Did

Indian Woman Receives Phone Call From Telemarketer Who Obviously American

 "No Way His Name Is Aasif," Says Woman

Heavenly Sources: Founding Fathers "Really Regret" 2nd Amendment

Area Man's Bumper Sticker Expresses His Nuanced "Stand Up Or Leave" Anthem Stance

Our National Obsession With Guns: Could It Turn Tragic?

Man Eschews Idea For Recreational Activity After Realizing It Involves Neither TV Nor The Internet

Tucker Carlson: Trump A Hero, "Like Hitler"

Christopher Nolan To Direct New Film No One Can Understand

Report: Melania First Ever "First Sugar Baby" Of US

New Movie Theaters Feature Giant Mirrors In Place Of Screens As Moviemakers Desperate For New Ideas

 "You Are The Movie!" Exclaim Strapped-for-cash Moviemakers

Thunder Relieved To Not Win Draft Lottery Because They Know They Can't Be Trusted With Success

Republicans Claim "Donald Trump" A Hoax Created By Liberals To Make Donald Trump Look Bad

Newscast Criticized For Lack Of Cohesive Storyline

Report: Every Decade Ever Described As "These Crazy Times We Live In"

SportsCenter Anchor Man Never Heard Of Must Be New

Man Believed Footage In Commercial Was Genuine Until He Saw Unmarked Cola Cans

Milwaukee-Area Man Accidentally Yells, "Go Pack Go!" Instead Of "Go Bucks Go!" At Bucks Playoff Game

Area Man's Only Reason For Getting Peacock The Desire To Watch 'Firestarter' Naked At Home

Area Woman's Favorite Nicole Kidman Movie The AMC Theatres Intro

Miami Heat 10 Millionth Team Ever To Play 7 Games In A 7-Game Span

Nation's Dogs Demand More Things That Squeak

Report: Everybody Just Wants Tom Brady To Fuck The Fuck Off

Report: Every US Soldier A Hero, And You're The Worst Person Ever If You Don't Think So

Southern US Attempts To Have Name Removed From Southern California

Area Man Having Trouble Following Storyline Of "Jackass Forever"

New 9/11 Conspiracy Theory Posits That Wonder Woman Hit North Tower With Her Invisible Jet First

Casting For Every Single Movie Ever Made Done By Rich Delia, CSA

Spanking To Hurt Child Worse Than It Does Parent

Woman Named "Melissa," Pronounces It "Rachel"

Supreme Court Rules Abortion Legal, As Long As It's Not A Pregnancy You're Aborting

Benedict Cumberbatch Falls Asleep Halfway Through Hosting 'Saturday Night Live'

Man Bursts Into Local AT&T Store Demanding To Meet Lily

"No Son Of Mine's Gonna Have Long Hair Like A Hippie," Says Christian Man Stepping In Front Of Portrait Of Jesus Christ

1776 Freestyle Rapper Owns Slave

Chris Paul Just Openly Running Around Punching People In The Nuts Now

Complete Pansy Expresses Emotion

Woman In Absurdist Weight Watchers Ad: "It Was The Last Thing I Tried... Because I Died The Next Day!"

New Mental Health Initiative Aimed At Helping Teens Recover From Trauma Of Graduating High School, Having Their Whole Lives End

Strange Baby Born With "Vagina" Right Where His Penis Should Be

'Family Feud' Editors Realize They Would Have To Scrap Entire Episode In Order To Make Steve Harvey Look Less Stupid

Area Muslim Worried About Second-Hand Christianity After Befriending Local Christ-Follower

Atheist Martyr Killed For Refusing To Denounce Belief In Nothing

Conservative 10-Year-Old: "Water Guns Don't Squirt People. People Squirt People."

Murderer, Police, Friends And Family Of Deceased All Astonished After Gunfire Kills Man: "But Guns Don't Kill People!"

Being Gay Ultimately Determined To Be Choice One Makes When They Go To Prison

Area Preacher Obviously Infallible

Obviously Racist Contestant Doesn't Get 'Michelle Obama' Answer On Game Show

Slightly Inconveniencing Self By Wearing Simple Facemask To Help Keep Others Alive Hardest Thing Area Woman Has Ever Done

Report: Times Were Easier Back Then, Simpler.

Man Tongue-Kissing Male Dog Must Be Some Sort Of Homosexual Freak

To Homebody NBA Player, "Win Or Go Home" Sounds Less Like A Threat And More Like A Promise

Ja Morant: "I'm Not Ja. I'm His Evil Twin, Tnarom Aj! Hahahahaha!!"

Dwyane Wade On Life In Utah: "I've Never Been Around So Many Crazy White People!"

Slutty Dog Just Kissing Everyone In The House

Conservatives Continue To Employ Basic Conversational Strategy Of Putting Hands Over Ears, Saying "I Can't Hear You! I Can't Hear You!"

Will Smith Releases New Kid-Friendly Rap Song About Not Punching Chris Rock In The Face

Woman Goes To Church Naked, Because Who Could Look At A Woman Lustfully At Church On Easter Morn?

Area Mom Notes How Bad Traffic Has Gotten In This Town

Report: All Your Dad's Old Friends Who You Thought Were "Edgy" And "Funny" When You Were Kid Actually Lame

Area Racist: Only Black People Would Name Their Child Something "Exotic" Like "Benjamin"

MOBILE, AL-After seeing an African-American man named "Benjamin" on TV, area racist Joe Hagarty remarked, "Wow... only Black people would name their kid something that exotic." "Benjamin? What the hell kinda name is that?" Hagarty said. "I woulda been beaten alive with a name like that. My daddy sure wouldn't have named me somethin crazy like that. Sounds like some kinda damn candy bar." At press time, Hagarty was seen shaking his head as he read a magazine article about an African-American woman named "Melissa."

Man Frustrated By Completely Legitimate Prices At Supermarket

Report: You Caused Coronavirus

 YOUR LOCATION- A new report issued Wednesday found that, through the butterfly effect, you, the reader, caused the original spread of coronavirus. "The findings of this report are that (your name) started spreading coronavirus when you turned left instead of right on your way to the grocery store on February 20, 2020. You should have turned right, you sick sonofabitch." The report also went on to blame you for the war in Iraq, global warming, and the 2010 Nashville flood.

Area Man Admits To Having No Idea How Chinese Names Work

Brandon Ingram: "I Sure Showed The Lakers!"

 NEW ORLEANS, LA- According to former Los Angeles Lakers and current New Orleans Pelicans forward Brandon Ingram, he "sure showed the Lakers" in his team's win over LA on Sunday night, even though the team won a championship immediately after trading him. "Tonight, I showed the Lakers shouldn't have traded me by getting this win in a regular season game. I bet they would trade that championship they won without me for this win tonight." At press time, the LA Clippers were claiming to be "LA's new team," despite having never made a trip to the NBA Finals and the Lakers having won 17 NBA Championship trophies.

Kobe Bryant's Silence On State Of Lakers Deafening

 LOS ANGELES, CA- Amid great trials and tribulations for the Los Angeles Lakers this season, their former star guard, Kobe Bryant, has been noticeably silent, causing many to note that he must be particularly troubled and discouraged by the Lakers' season. "All the sports commentators and great Lakers of the past have commented on the state of the Lakers this season, except Kobe Bryant. He must be taking this so hard," said ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith. "This must be the worst thing to happen to him in a long time." It has been noted that many Lakers greats have commented on the sorry state of the Lakers' season, who now stand at 31-43 and in 10th place in the NBA's Western Conference standings, in danger of falling out of the play-in race altogether. "I know Kobe is taking this so hard," said former Lakers point guard Magic Johnson. "In fact, he hasn't reached out to me in months. And I thought I was distressed over the season! Poor guy must be doing terrible." At press time, Lakers forward LeBron James vowed to track Kobe down to check on his mental health, or "die trying."

Will Smith Claims His Tethered Doppelganger Hit Chris Rock, Like In "Us"

LOS ANGELES, CA- Earlier Tuesday, a regretful Will Smith admitted that he made a mistake when he let his evil counterpart, Doug, attend the Academy Awards for him on Sunday and the doppelganger struck Chris Rock on stage after the comedian made a joke about the real Smith's wife. "I made a mistake when I let Doug attend the ceremony for me, and it ended up turning violent," Smith said in a statement. "Of course, Doug would not have cared about a joke made at my wife's expense, so maybe he thought the joke was made about his wife. Anyway, I made a mistake, and I take responsibility for it. Not the slapping, just the permitting my malevolent look-alike to attend, instead of taking responsibility and attending the event myself. And for this, I am very sorry."

The Future: Is It Going To Happen?

New Legislation Outlaws Underage Cussing

Safety First!

Narcissistic Actor Brings In 27"x40" Headshot For Audition

March Madness Fans Happy To Once Again Gather And Watch The Same Commercials Over And Over Again

Report: Everything A Fucking Hashtag Now

Local Basketball Referee Accused Of Favoritism After Helping Fallen Player Up Off The Court

New Film Rated R For Depiction Of Interracial Relationship

Local Pretty, Cool, Popular Girl Hates Local Meek, Geeky, Ugly Guy For Loving Her

Duke's Win Over Michigan State In NCAA Tournament Leaves Man Feeling Inspired And Refreshed, With A Greater Faith And Hope In Humanity And God. Just Kidding, It Sucks And Is Totally Demoralizing Because It's Duke.

 

"Don't Go Anywhere," Says Game Show Host Obviously Desperate For Ratings

Outbreak Of Lice In Pittsburgh Traced Back To Hat Trick In Local NHL Game

Report: Everyone On Earth Racist

Entire Senior Class Of Local High School Voted "Most Likely To Never Be Happy Again"

Area Barbarian Still Has Flip Phone

School's Athletic Department Has Completely Inspired, Original Idea To Put Outline Of State At Center Court

Area Man's Balls Drop 2 Inches The Second He Turns 30

Crowd Ooohs And Aaahs As Ja Morant Ties Shoes

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

 

Irate Jesus: "Whatever Happened To 'Turn The Other Cheek?!?!'"

Corona Drops Snoop Dogg As Spokesperson After It Revealed He More Of A Mountain Guy Than Beach Guy

 

Doctor Takes Hypocritical Oath

Area Maniac Not On Her Phone Every Waking Minute

BREAKING: People Suck

Really Good Dream Too Good Not To Be Dream

CBS Reveals They Moved Logo Up From Bottom Of Screen To Accommodate Seniors Who Can't Get TV Off Zoom Mode

Student Section At TV Broadcast Of College Basketball Game Often Heard But Rarely Seen

New Novel All Adjectives

Warner Bros. Appeases 'IT' Fans Who Want Supercut Of Both Films By Releasing Supercut Of Both Trailers

Everything Man Ever Says Misunderstood

Area Man Has Disgusting Little Ritual in Which he Sits on a "Toilet" and Expels Waste from His Body

Area Man Sentenced to Life in Prison for Multiple Murders, Immediately Bringing His Victims Back to Life and Providing All the Necessary Closure for Their Families and Friends

Man Donates All His Old Tattoos to Goodwill

Honey Wastes Bunch of Money Advertising on Clippers Jerseys as if Anyone Going to See it

Women: Hot or Not? We Speak to Four Men in West Hollywood Who Said, "Not"

Women: When Will They Stop Bitching About Everything?

Nation's Marys: "Stop Putting Our Name in Front of Literally Any Other Name"

 "No More Mary Janes, Mary Graces, Mary Beths..." Demand Frustrated Women

Iguanas: Hot or Not?

 

Only Time Man Ever Center of Attention at His Funeral

Local Catholic Church Sure Is Doing a Lot of Sitting, Standing

Area Christian Likes to Spread God's Hate Everywhere He Goes

Man Finally Buys Enough to Fill Hole in Heart

Auburn Voted Down to No. 2 in AP Poll After Not Fulfilling Campaign Promises

Caitlin Clark Not That Impressive Considering She Plays Against a Bunch of Girls

 

New Version of 'Deal or No Deal' In Which Every Case Holds a Million Dollars Somehow Not as Intriguing

Nation Undecided Over Whether It More Annoying to Put "The" In Front of Something's Title or to Unnecessarily Make a Store's Name Possessive

California "Full of Crazies," says Local Mom

Pistons, Magic Try to Make Trade in Middle of Night While Adam Silver Asleep

Lakers Fans Not Disappointed With This Season so far At All

 "No Way Should a Team With 5 Future Hall-of-Famers be Better Than Five Games Under .500 or 9th Place in the West," say Contented Fans. "This Team Is Missing Absolutely Nothing."

Football Championship Game, or "Super Bowl", to be Played at Same Time as Annual Advertising Extravaganza

 "Some Will Even Watch Just for the Football," Say Officials

Guy Who Routinely Lets People Walk All Over Him Described Simply as "Nice"

Peng Shuai Says She Couldn't Have Been Sexually Abused by Chinese Official Because China a Perfect Country, Free from All Kinds of Evil, and a True Beacon of Democracy... Yes, a Beacon of Democracy... Yes...

Lakers' Injury Problems Revealed to be Work of Celtic Fan with Bunch of Voodoo Dolls

People Without Earlobes: What the Fuck?

Game Show Slammed for Lack of Character Development

Inventor of Fast-Food Cup Lid with Little Buttons on Top Bemoans Fact That Product Rarely Used to Its Full Potential

Kid At Movie Loudly Repeating Every Line Characters Say And Laughing

Crap Given

Hut Outpizza'd

 

Area Woman Who Only Knows Of Los Angeles What Is On NBA League Pass Thinks Town Overridden With Carl's Jr., Jack In The Box Locations

Man Can Tell Funko Pop Fake Because It Has No Paint Flaws

Nation Totally Not Sick of Hearing About Tom Brady

Area Man Too Cool To Be Republican

Woman Questions Her Existence After Hearing It Reported On Fox News