Under Racial Pressure, Redskins Change Name To 'Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen'

WASHINGTON, DC- The Washington Redskins have just announced today that, due to growing pressure from racial equality groups, they have changed their name to the Washington Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen.

"The Washington Redskins have officially changed their name to Washington Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen," Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen Owner Dan Snyder said. "We felt this was the right thing to do, and we shouldn't put it off anymore."

The Stupid, Uneducated, Tan-Skinned Idiotmen had come under fire from racial equality groups in recent years, and the pressure had only gotten worse the past two years. In 2006, the National Association for Indian Rights (NAIR) protested the team's former name. "This is a disgusting misrepresentation of the Native American people," NAIR President Tom Martin said of the team's former name at the time. When the team ignored the NAIR's complaints, they decided to boycott the Redskins' games for the 2007 season. However, this did not have much of an effect.

"To be honest, we just wanted those m@#!?!#@!kers out of our hair," Snyder said. "I'm glad we can move on now."

When informed of the team's new nickname, Martin said, "WHAT?!" and beat the reporters away with a shovel.

Ref Obviously In Hurry To Get Game Over With

ST. LOUIS, MO- National Football League referee Ed Hochuli was obviously in a hurry to get the Dallas Cowboys-St. Louis Rams game over with earlier this week.

"C'mon, boys, let's go," he said after a Cowboys first down as he placed the ball on the field. "Let's go, c'mon. I got tons of stuff to do today."

"After, like, every first down, he would just, like, hurry us up and stuff," Cowboys tight end Jason Witten said. "He always tried to get us to go no-huddle and stuff, too. I have no idea what his hurry was."

In addition to rushing the players, Hochuli also resorted to other time-saving tactics.

"He kept trying to let the clock keep going whenever it was supposed to stop. Like whenever somebody scored a touchdown, he was just like, '(whistles)', and just did that thing with his arm signaling the time-keeper to let the clock keep running, like nobody would notice," Rams running back Steven Jackson remarked.

At the 2-minute warning, which alerts the players that there are 2 minutes remaining in the half, the clock usually stops and the teams take a timeout. However, when the clock reached 2:00 remaining in the first half, Hochuli signaled for the clock to start as the teams were headed for the sidelines.

"Hey! Where you goin'?" he said. "Forget the 2-minute warning! I got stuff to do! C'mon!"

(Needless to say, his attempt at skipping the 2-minute warning was futile.)

Hochuli also resorted to blatantly ignoring certain calls and challenges that would have led to unnecessary stoppage of game time.

"I had a pass coming right towards me," Cowboys receiver Miles Austin said. "The defender just grabbed me and all kinds of stuff. There's no question it should've been interference."

The call, however, was ignored by Hochuli.

"Aaah, uncatchable," he explained.

When Cowboys coach Wade Phillips called for a challenge on a controversial call in the third quarter, Hochuli picked up the challenge flag and handed it to Phillips, saying, "No challenges in the final half."

"That was total bullcrap," Phillips said of the incident. "I don't know what his deal was today."

When asked why he was in such a rush, Hochuli responded, "I don't know, I just had a lot of stuff to do today. You know how it is. Busy, busy, busy!"

As of press time, it is believed that Hochuli just had to go to the bathroom really, really bad.

Bill Belichick Actually Smiles

SAN FRANCISCO, CA- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick smiled for the first time in his life yesterday, after a game against the San Francisco 49ers in Candlestick Park. The historic milestone came after the conclusion of his team's 30-21 win, after wondering for several minutes what the warm, tingling feeling he was experiencing deep within him was. "I felt this...happiness," remarked Belichick, when asked of the incident. "This... this joy that I hadn't felt before," he said as his eyes teared up. "I'm sorry... I-I didn't know I was going to get so emotional... I've never felt something like this before." Belichick then reportedly began skipping cheerily through a field of colorful flowers and singing with an anthropomorphic talking sun.

Area Man Sorry For Dropping Derek Anderson

MANHATTAN, KS- Local man Dirk Vidschke was very remorseful Sunday after being forced to drop Cleveland Browns quarterback Derek Anderson from his fantasy football team's lineup due to Anderson's decline in production. "I'm sorry, Derek. It's nothing personal," Vidschke said, as he clicked the 'Drop' button next to Anderson's name. "We've had a good run, buddy. I love you. Thank you for all you've done." Vidschke then nearly shed a tear. Asked why he dropped Anderson, a tearful Vidschke responded, "(sniff) Well (sniff), Donovan McNabb's recent performance and Anderson's dropoff in recent weeks forced me to. I'm sorry, Derek! Forgive me!!!" Vidschke then slammed himself to the ground as tears flowed from his face, he tore his shirt, and shouted, "Woe is me! Forgive me! Forgive me, Derek, forgive me!!!"

Area Man Mad At Freakin' Pictures

DALLAS, TX- Area football fan Rob Jublowme was vehement today, as pictures of various products and logos of companies that sponsored the NFL on CBS directly blocked his view of the "super-hot" Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. "They were comin' back from a commercial break, and the camera was scannin' across a row of the cheerleaders on the sidelines," Jublowme recalled. "But the (dang) sponsors' pictures were coverin' up their complete and total hotness. Do they really think I would rather see that than Meghan's totally cute face? I mean, c'mon... I couldn't care less about the new Escalade hybrid." Sunday's incident is not the first time such an atrocity has happened, according to Jublowme. "The same (freakin') thing happened last week, with some stupid ad for deodorant or something. Yeah, that really makes me want to buy your product. Freakin' geniuses." Jublowme then reportedly tossed a pencil at the television.

Report: Steelers Own

PITTSBURGH, PA- According to a report made by local man Ron Turnshkey, the Pittsburgh Steelers "freakin' rock." The report, which came after a 35-7 win over their longtime rival Cleveland Browns, also went on to praise the Steelers' "rul[ing]" and "kick[ing] butt" status. "The Steelers own," Turnshkey said. In addition to Sunday's report, Turnshkey has also issued other reports on the Steelers' status in the past, which included their absolutely friggin' owning everyone in 2004 to their most awesome team ever status in 2005.