NEW YORK, NY- Tragedy struck the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this morning, as the 'Dora the Explorer' balloon suddenly and without warning came to life and devoured everyone in sight. "It was horrible," said balloon-handler Dan Founchep, 33, who managed to escape. "It- it just- it just killed everything... oh gosh."
The incident occurred around 9:15 central time, as the balloon was making its way past ESPNzone. The day had gone just as planned previously, until, when no one was looking, the balloon turned on its handlers and ate them all, save Founchep. It then reared its blood-thirsty head over to the crowd, which was in a panic by this time. The creature walked slowly over to the crowd and hand-picked certain observers to eat, focusing especially on the children who had so eagerly supported it before. "I AM DORA!!" the monster shouted as it threw a handful of screaming five-year-olds into its mouth. "NO ONE SHALL STOP ME!!! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
After seeing their companion turn like this, numerous balloon-characters stepped in to intervene, including Barney, who attempted to reason with it through an "I Love You" song, the Energizer bunny, who smashed it on the head with its drumsticks, and Ronald McDonald, who offered a lifetime supply of Happy Meals if she would end her rampage. Most notable of the attempts to stop her, however, was that of Buzz Lightyear, who almost took out the beast, had Dora's evil sidekick, Backpack, not intervened to stop the crime-fighter. Pikachu and Charlie Brown also stepped in, but only to aid the adventurer in her reign of terror.
After its fellow balloons' failed attempts to stop her, NYPD groups and SWAT teams were brought in to tranquilize the overgrown beast, ending the ruckus. "This is the greatest tragedy to hit New York since 9/11," NYPD police officer Michael Ricardo said. "I'm just glad it didn't escalate to something bigger."
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