New Waffle House Opens, Ushering In New Era of Mediocrity; Grossness

EVANSVILLE, IN- A new Waffle House opened here today, ushering in a new era of mediocre food and unsanitary eating conditions. "We are glad to open this new hotbed of secondhand smoke and greasy disgustingness," said Waffle House co-founder Tom Forkner in a statement released yesterday. "Waffle House is happy to bring our tradition of grease-soaked food and public smoking to the great city of Evansville."

The new Waffle House, located on 123 East Bearden Drive, is reportedly going to offer the same low-price, low-quality menu items and unbearably smoke-filled conditions that patrons have come to know and love. It is even believed that the amount of annoying houseflies flying around and landing on people's food may double in the new eatery.

Not only will the food and environment remain the same, but the restaurant is slated to offer its trademark second-class yellowish-orb lighting system. The restaurant will probably also attract the same customer base, which is largely composed of cash-strapped Southern working-class smokers in their mid-20's to 40's.

"I'm thrilled," new Waffle House waitress Anina Jacobs said. "I've already tried the chili. Lemme tell ya- it's good. Most of the time."